Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]
Daddy's Briefs
- Dear Apple: Your failure to provide an option for me to disable the "Faces" feature in iPhoto makes me want to punch you in yours. about 1 week ago from Twitter for Mac
- No, seriously: I'm selling my #Dad2Summit ticket for $150 under current official price. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? about 1 week ago from web
- The hideout where you'll hold me for ransom should be someplace tropical. With an ocean view. And you have to split the ransom with me. about 1 week ago from web
- I will willingly cooperate with the first one of you who kidnaps me from this cubicle and holds me for ransom. about 1 week ago from web
- This hurts, but: I'm selling my #Dad2Summit ticket for $205. Current full-price cost: $350. So, yeah: It's a good deal. For you, that is. about 2 weeks ago from web
- RT @HowardStern: Cory Booker Nails Marriage Equality In 5 Minutes http://t.co/vbORSEvC via @moveon @corybooker about 2 weeks ago from Twitter for iPhone
More ways to love me
-
Recent Posts
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.
- Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”
- Happy Birthday to me … in NYC … Wait, come back. I promise I won’t try to bust out any more rhymes.
- If I had been any closer to the stage at that Van Halen show the other night, I’d be carrying Eddie’s baby
- That blow job I offered 2012? Already paying off.
Recent Comments
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme. (37)
- Vivian: Ha ha we have all been there, my children are all grown up but I can remember feeling tempted to hold them...
- Melanie: Well, ok. I came by to visit because it’s been forever since I checked up on you, and I just wanted to...
- teisha: While we’re at it: I’m sorry you don’t think you like the food I’ve prepared J/k just...
- Pam: You know — my kids are grown now, but I remember the medicine battles vividly. Can’t remember when...
- Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.” (42)
- Mike: All true and I made similar arguments to wife and daughters for years. Having gotten The Beast I now feel...
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme. (37)
Greatest Hits
- The time I almost became a highly paid insurance mascot.
- The time I built a car … I mean, a high-tech doorstop.
- The time I committed the most embarrassing social gaffe in the history of embarrassing social gaffes.
- The time I couldn't free my daughter from a bath seat in which she had become trapped.
- The time I did my best to completely sabotage a dream vacation.
- The time I finally used my passport.
- The time I got a vasectomy.
- The time I hung out with Van Halen.
- The time I nearly burned down my house.
- The time I partied with all the cool mommybloggers and saved The Bloggess's life … sort of.
- The time I thought my son was going to get his ass kicked by a girl.
- The time I was forced to deal with an incontinent doll.
Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.
I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]