Category Archives: Buffoonery

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN! Part 2

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2011

Let’s review the preceding events: • My car is in the shop after creating a public-safety threat of epic proportions. • My yard is destroyed in the wake of a freak October snowstorm … and if there’s one thing I enjoy more than the frigid delight of your average winter snowstorm, it’s A FREAK OCTOBER SNOWSTORM THAT DESTROYS MY YARD. • My wife’s car has just broken down in the middle of the street on a huge hill near the elementary school our children attend, which has given her the pride-swelling honor of standing by the side of the road… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 12 Comments

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 3, 2011

Sorry for my delay in writing this year’s Spooktacular Recap, but I’ve been busy with CLINGING TO WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY SANITY. Suffice it to say that this year’s Halloween weekend was asstastically heavy on tricks and anorexically thin on treats. Let’s begin. FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28th Question: Is it a good thing when your car wets itself? Answer: No, it is not … especially when the fluid in question turns out to be gasoline. You know what happens when you call for a tow truck to come fetch your incontinent automobile? The tow-truck people advise you to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 24 Comments

Take Me Out to the Ball Game Insane Asylum

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 28, 2011

Click the image above to view full-size photo.

There are many things I must do in order to influence the outcome of the game. Things like … [read the rest]

Also posted in Featured Photo, Red Sox | 20 Comments

All I wanted was a f#@%ing sandwich

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 30, 2011

A turkey sandwich. With lettuce and mayo. That’s it. Nothing fancy. And I’ve ordered a couple of these over the past 41 years — successfully and without incident, I might add. So the last thing I expected when attempting to perform this seemingly routine operation was to make a complete ass out of myself. The trouble started when I told my co-worker I was going to pick up a sandwich at a local sub shop — excuse me: a local hoagie shop … because I live in Pennsylvania now, and they don’t have “sandwiches” or “subs” here; they have hoagies.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Embarrassing | 28 Comments

That trip to Mexico I keep meaning to tell you about, which almost didn’t happen because of my unrivaled ability to be a complete and utter moron

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 7, 2011

About two hours into our flight from Philadelphia to Cancun, I discovered that I had committed The Biggest Fuck-Up of All Time … like, to the extent that I knew it would be best for my marriage if I just went ahead and threw myself out of the aircraft. Which was a shame, really … because everything had been going so well. The kids were sound asleep at my in-laws’ house when Wonder Woman and I slipped out into the chilly, predawn darkness and drove to the airport. Once there, we breezed through check-in and cruised through security without being… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Marriage | 33 Comments

More evidence that a.) I’m mentally ill, and b.) I really do need a vacation

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 22, 2010

Remember that whole Balloon Boy thing? I discovered today that it apparently scarred me. As I watched what we were all led to believe was a homemade weather balloon with a 5-year-old boy trapped inside of it — or, worse, a homemade weather balloon that may already have ejected and sent plunging to his death a 5-year-old boy — I couldn’t help but imagine how I’d feel if it was one of my own children, and the anxiety that I experienced as a result of that pleasant little daydream was intense. (And, yes, I wanted to beat the balls off… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 25 Comments

I was going to call this one ‘Waterworld,’ because, much like that film, this incident involved water and sucked … but at least ‘Waterworld’ had Jeanne Triplehorn in it, which makes it way better than the colossal screw-up I pulled this weekend

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 19, 2010

Subtitle: That one time Bossy almost ruined my house even though she’s never been to my house and was actually about 2,000 miles away when this incident occurred, but still… “Daddy, I took my socks off,” Jayna announced as I exited my office and saw her at the other end of the hallway. (I’m big on making the kids wear socks around the house when it’s cold out, because, as everyone knows, the single greatest factor in determining whether or not a child falls prey to illness is whether or not that child keeps his or her feet covered with… [read the rest]

Posted in Buffoonery | 33 Comments

Helpful tip: Don’t go to the Emergency Room on St. Patrick’s Day. Also? Don’t try to be your own pharmacist.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 19, 2010

So there I was, shortly after midnight Thursday, in the emergency room, eight or nine wires connecting my arms, legs and torso to an EKG machine so that the triage nurse could make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack. I was pretty sure I wasn’t, but, you know … there was all this really expensive shit right there that could definitively say whether or not I was, so I figured I might as well go with it. I wasn’t having a heart attack. What I was having, however, was a lengthy, at times mild, at times not so mild,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 28 Comments

Home alone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 11, 2010

(You can see the real version here. Keep in mind that I’m roughly 20 years older than this guy and didn’t get paid to rehearse for a week with a five-camera shoot, OK?)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Embarrassing, Life | 48 Comments

Marathon Man

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 23, 2009

A mind’s-eye view of my morning run: 7:30 a.m. – I really should go for a run today. It’s been far too long. 8 a.m. – No, seriously: I should go for a run. 8:30 a.m. – Maybe if I put on my running apparel, it’ll help build some momentum. 8:35 a.m. – Look at that handsome man in the mirror … and look at those guns in that sleeveless shirt. You, my friend, are a powerhouse … and by “powerhouse” I mean “human pipe-cleaner.” Howzabout eating something and maybe lifting a weight? 9 a.m. – Perhaps if I Tweet… [read the rest]

Also posted in Embarrassing | 25 Comments

Oh, by the way

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 17, 2009

The following incident happened one week ago today, and other than acknowledging that it occurred, Wonder Woman and I haven’t spoken of it since … and that’s fine with me; I’d just as soon pretend it never happened. Which is why I’m about to share it with the Internet. Go figure. But I can’t not tell you about this one. It’s just too ridiculous. As you might recall, one week ago today was Zan’s Big Birthday Blowout, and, jeepers crow, were there ever a lot of preparations involved. The drinks, the snacks, the gifts, the cake, the activities, the balloons… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 30 Comments

An even bigger prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 7, 2009

“Are you going to write about it?” she asked me from across the table while we were eating lunch yesterday. “I don’t think I really want to,” I said. “I mean, it’s just a little too moronic, dontcha think?” She paused for a moment, presumably because she knew I’d arrive there on my own. “I guess I kinda have to, don’t I?” I asked. “I think so,” she answered. So here I go. Thursday night, there was a book fair at Zan’s school, and since Jayna had already morphed into a screaming, crying, porcupine-badger-Tasmanian-Devil-electric-eel type of thing by the hour… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 13 Comments

A real prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 4, 2009

We’re in the midst of an economic crisis, and two wars, and there are droughts and disease and famine happening around the globe … and yet, I still am able to get disproportionately annoyed by the little things that go wrong during the course of the day. Here, let me tell you about one such thing—and let me take my damn sweet time getting to the thing itself, because it’s all about the journey, not the destination, am I right? Wonder Woman had a work commitment this afternoon and evening, so I was home with the kids, who were delightful.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 20 Comments

Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law (Hey, I’ve had it stuck in my head all day now, so I thought you might as well, too.)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 25, 2009

As previously documented, Tuesday is the day of the week on which being a member of The Scratches Family is akin to being a frozen fruit of some sort—let’s go with “strawberry,” shall we?—yes, it’s akin to being a frozen strawberry thrown in a blender with some other frozen strawberries and frozen blueberries and a fresh banana and some protein powder and soy milk and, hey, that reminds me, I keep meaning to start making a smoothie each day to help me get the nutrition I need in order to keep up with my exercise regimen. Of course, I keep… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 13 Comments

Maybe if I don’t think about it, it won’t hurt as much. OUCH!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 23, 2009

That, uh, shoulder injury from last Sunday’s snowboarding excursion? It has me a bit perplexed. I’ve suffered a number of other injuries over the course of my 39 years here on planet earth, and they usually work like this: Injury-causing event occurs. Injury hurts. A lot. I cry like a little girl. I whine and complain and carry on like it’s the end of the world. Pain continues for several days (or, if I really goofed, weeks). My whining and complaining raises to new heights the bar for how unnecessarily dramatic and annoying a mildly injured person can be. Pain… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 10 Comments

This one goes out to the makers of that helmet I was wearing Sunday afternoon. Much love.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 19, 2009

You should have seen me on the mountain last Saturday, man. I was like Tony Hawk. No, wait; he’s a skateboarder. Dude, last Saturday, I was like Shaun White. Yeah, man, that’s who I was like: Olympic gold-medalist snowboarder Shaun White. OK, not so much … but, still, I turned in one of the best days of snowboarding I’ve ever had—which was impressive, since I only boarded once last winter, and hadn’t done it at all for the six seasons prior to that. But anyway, yeah, Saturday, after Zan and Jayna’s amazing morning of skiing, Wonder Woman and I put… [read the rest]

Posted in Buffoonery | 13 Comments

A barrel of laughs

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 10, 2009

[WARNING: Contains profanity ... as does most of this blog ... but it occurred to me after linking to this entry from an entry on The Pioneer Woman's far more wholesome site that some of her audience might come over and have a heart attack when they unwittingly stumbled into a big pile of "F" bombs ... so, now that you've been warned, any cardiac issues that might result from reading the following are on you.] About a million years ago, I mentioned some trouble we were having with raccoons getting into our trash barrels. Months later, my barrel nightmare… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 35 Comments

Still headbanging after all these years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 7, 2009

There are so many things wrong with this photo (not the least of which is the fact that I was standing in the bathroom at midnight taking a picture of myself in the mirror), or at least why this photo came to be, that I hardly know where to begin. Every night before I go to bed, I hoof it upstairs and carry the kids to the bathroom in their sleep so that we can avoid any bed-wetting mishaps (and, boy oh boy, have there been some spectacular bed-wetting mishaps over the years … but a friend who is the… [read the rest]

Posted in Buffoonery | 8 Comments

When up on the roof, there arose such a clatter …

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 28, 2008

It wasn’t that I thought placing the ladder’s feet on the cement-and-flagstone walkway was necessarily a good idea … it’s just that that’s where I needed it to be in order to properly secure the Christmas lights to the gutter above the front door. I had already tried standing on the threshold of the doorway, but I couldn’t quite reach the gutter from there. A step ladder probably would have been the way to go, but it was getting darker and colder and I had already spent more time than I could afford trying to string up all of this… [read the rest]

Posted in Buffoonery | 5 Comments

Subject: No cellphone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2008

To: [Lots of people] Hi, this is Jon. I can’t get to the phone right now because it shattered into a million pieces on Interstate 95 early last evening. Its pieces are intermingled with those of the six-hour-old BlackBerry Curve that I received from my employer yesterday. I left both on the roof of my car while transporting my family from point A to point B. Total estimated retail value: $700. If you need to reach me, please call me on my home phone … which I probably won’t answer, because I’m busy throwing up. Thanks.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | Leave a comment

I propose a toast to you, my readers

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 28, 2007

So, yesterday morning, I went for a short run (redundant, really, since “short” is the only kind of run I ever seem to go for, if at all), and returned home feeling all fit and spry—and hungry. This last part is always a challenge, because the extent of my culinary abilities is limited to boiling and toasting—or so I thought. Turns out I can remove “toasting” from my résumé. For the “boiling” part, I placed a couple eggs in a pot of water on the stove. For the “toasting” part, I placed a couple slices of wheat bread in the… [read the rest]

Posted in Buffoonery | 4 Comments

Safety 1st my ass

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 28, 2006

I am Daddy. Not only am I Daddy, but I am also Daddy the Ex-Military Police K-9 Handler, as well as The Person Who Is Smarter Than Everyone Else In the Room—two traits that inherently mean I can take care of “It,” whatever “It” might be.

I have been able to cloak myself in this delusion for years, and it has allowed me to chuckle and look with pity and scorn upon those among you who occasionally have found yourselves in laughably ridiculous situations from which you have had to be delivered by others who are apparently smarter and more levelheaded than you.

Well, even Superman has an Achilles Heel.… [read the rest]