Category Archives: Embarrassing

All I wanted was a fucking sandwich

A turkey sandwich. With lettuce and mayo. That’s it. Nothing fancy. And I’ve ordered a couple of these over the past 41 years — successfully and without incident, I might add. So the last thing I expected when attempting to perform this seemingly routine operation was to make a complete ass out of myself. The trouble started when I told my co-worker I was going to pick up a sandwich at a local sub shop — excuse me: a local hoagie shop … because I live in Pennsylvania now, and they don’t have “sandwiches” or “subs” here; they have hoagies.… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery | 28 Responses

Yeah, I used to party in the big city like a madman, too … you know, back in the late 1900s

Gather ’round, children, and let your ol’ Grandpappy Scratches tell you about the night he realized he was no longer young and hip and cool (and those of you who are saying, “Yeah, like you ever were??”: Shut the hell up. Jerks.). So last week, I hung out with Bossy and her Blog Posse in Philly, and that was such a hoot (←we old people say things like “such a hoot”) that I wondered if a similar Boston get-together might be possible … and when I floated the idea, The Coupon Goddess, whom I met last summer during my first-ever… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 18 Responses

Marathon Man

A mind’s-eye view of my morning run: 7:30 a.m. – I really should go for a run today. It’s been far too long. 8 a.m. – No, seriously: I should go for a run. 8:30 a.m. – Maybe if I put on my running apparel, it’ll help build some momentum. 8:35 a.m. – Look at that handsome man in the mirror … and look at those guns in that sleeveless shirt. You, my friend, are a powerhouse … and by “powerhouse” I mean “human pipe-cleaner.” Howzabout eating something and maybe lifting a weight? 9 a.m. – Perhaps if I Tweet… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery | 25 Responses

I actually quoted Dokken in my yearbook. Dokken. What a tool.

My 20-year high-school reunion is coming up next month, and I simply can’t suppress the urge to say “Whoopdeefreakindoo!” I keep waiting to feel bubbling up within me some desire to attend this event, but, so far, when I imagine waking up on the Sunday morning after it takes place, I have no premonition of regret about having skipped it. See, here’s the thing: I hated high school. When adults would say, “Enjoy it! These are the best years of your life!,” I could only assume that life was really gonna suck after graduation. (I am very happy to report… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 12 Responses

Have a drink on me

Since life hasn’t been all that exciting in recent days, I shall dip back into my Personal Well of Embarrassment for yet another douche-chill-inducing tale from my past. I hesitate to do so, because I’m afraid I’ll fly too quickly through my reserve of embarrassing tales as I make use of the newly minted “Embarrassing” category, but—wait, who the hell am I kidding? A drought of me-embarrassing-the-hell-out-of-myself moments probably isn’t in the forecast anytime soon. So, with that said, let us travel back in time to the year 1989. I am 19 years old and serving as a U.S. army… [read the rest]

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Posted in Embarrassing | 2 Responses