Category Archives: Family

Happy Holidays, y’all! (Yes, I just said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” This does not mean I am waging a war against your religion. Stop being an idiot.)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 23, 2011

The annual Scratches Family Christmas* card. Brought to you by … Photoshop. Thank you, Photoshop, for your heavenly glow, which allows me to spare the world from the increasingly severe and frightful lines in my face. I figure I’m about a year or two away from this: Have I told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition? [I just went back and checked, and it turns out that, yes, I have told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition. Lucky you! You get to hear it again!] Well, you see, when Zan was six months old, he sat on Santa’s… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 16 Comments

Today is my 41st birthday, and I am celebrating by not having a massive mental breakdown

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 17, 2011

Listen, I don’t know if my pharmacy sent me a particularly good batch of Wellbutrin, or if Wonder Woman has been spiking my meals with Ecstasy, or if the state of Pennsylvania is pumping nitrous oxide into the air, but today is my 41st birthday, and I’m not bothered in the slightest. In fact, I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. And your response to this seemingly banal and wholly unexciting revelation most likely is a resounding “Whoopdee-freakin’-doo,” and if that’s the case, I don’t blame you, because, yes, whoopdee-freakin’-doo indeed … except that, when my odometer… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 32 Comments

Merry Christmakwanzhanuka!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 25, 2010

…or whatever holiday it is you like to celebrate. When Zan was six months old, we took him to the mall for his first photo with Santa … and he liked it just fine. When Zan was a year-and-a-half old, we took him to the mall for his second photo with Santa … and he pretty much told Santa to go suck it unless Mommy and Daddy were in the photo with him. And so was born the annual Scratches Family Christmas Card Photo. Wonder Woman recently hung on the refrigerator all seven of the family photos we’ve taken with… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 14 Comments

At last, the big birthday post … except, not really

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 1, 2010

And now, finally, a birthday tale. Except, not the big 40th-birthday-gala tale I keep promising and then never deliver. No, that again has been pushed back. Seriously, though: I wasn’t just fucking with you when I said I planned to finally write and post that 40th-birthday-gala tale this past Saturday (although it did make for a mildly humorous punchline when Saturday came and went and I ended up not posting it after all, despite my assurances to the contrary, eh? Oh yes, what a chuckle; I am nothing if not unintentionally funny). See, the thing is, my sister? Her first… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 7 Comments

Merry Christmas!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 25, 2009

As promised, here’s the annual Scratches Family Christmas Photo with Santa. What’s most impressive about this year’s photo is the fact that, unlike last year’s, I didn’t have to airbrush anyone’s face … my own included … which is nice, because, with my 40th birthday right around the corner, a second-consecutive year of needing to Photoshop the bags and wrinkles out of my face probably would have just accelerated the onset of what already is sure to be a spectacular mid-life crisis. But, hey, that’s not happening till next year. Now, if you’ll pardon me, it’s time to get back… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 10 Comments

A Ho Ho Ho-down, and some Yo Yo Yo for good measure

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 24, 2009

OK, a final two-fer and then I’m done with this tomfoolery. Did I mention that, much like Marie Osmond, I’m a little bit country? No? Well, with good reason … because I can’t stand country music (unless it’s Willie Nelson, but that’s only because he’s my imaginary surrogate grandfather, which is a story for another time) … but this right here is funny: And I have definitely saved the best for last, because dig this: Oh, yes, people, that is some serious holiday comedy right there, boy-eeeee. Alright, thanks for humoring me. I promise I’ll get back to some bona… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 2 Comments

We Wish You a Scratchy Christmas

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 23, 2009

Can we carry a tune, or what?… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 3 Comments

Saturday Night Christmas Eve Fever

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 22, 2009

I’d stay and type something to go along with this, but I have to go change my pants … because I just pissed myself from laughing so hard. PS: You can make one of your own here. So totally worth the effort. (And special thanks to The Bloggess for bringing this to my attention. You rock, Jenny.) PPS: This video? Part one of a three-part series. Stay tuned.… [read the rest]

Posted in Family | 3 Comments

Comin’ down the mountain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 9, 2009

After inadvertently helping my kids to determine that nature sucks, I, in the hopes of not ending our mini-vacation on a sour note, pointed the car north, and, a short while later, arrived at Attitash ski resort — which, during the off-season, it turns out, is converted into a summer playground. The main attraction? An alpine slide that, according to the resort’s website, is the longest in all of North America. Now, not only had Zan and Jayna never been on an alpine slide; I’d never been on one, either. (Wonder Woman claims to have gone on one as a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | 15 Comments

Look at all the gorgeous wonders of nature, kids! Kids? Hello?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 4, 2009

Travel tip for all you parents out there: If you’d like to take your kids on a nature hike to see a spectacular waterfall in the mountains, don’t do it less than 24 hours after taking them to an enormous amusement park, because if you do, your kids will tell nature to go suck it. Yes, the morning after we went to Story Land, the weather again was beautiful, and seeing as how we were in the White Mountains and all, we decided we should take in some of the natural splendor of the region … so we checked out… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | 14 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part III

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 18, 2009

With two previous Bethany Beach vacations under our collective belt, we had it down to a science this year. Firstly, that whole “driving from Boston to Delaware in one fell swoop” thing? Yeah, F that. My in-laws live in the Philly area, so we drive there and back several times per year. The kids have been making the trip since birth, so they’re used to it, and we have perfected its execution: We leave shortly after 6 o’clock at night, make a single stop to use the bathroom and refuel, and arrive around midnight. There’s no traffic, the kids sleep… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 13 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Life, Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part I

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 10, 2009

Forty-eight weeks and five days; that’s how long it’ll be before The Scratches Family heads back to the beach house for our annual vacation. You know, not that I’m looking forward to it or anything. But instead of looking ahead to next year, let us back up a bit, for I am sure you all want to hear in agonizingly, excruciatingly, minutiae-filled detail about what has become a summer tradition for my family and me. First, let us tend to the setting. A good story needs a good setting, am I right? And ours takes place on … earth! OK,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Marriage, Parenthood | 8 Comments

TiVo’s ‘Video On Demand’ feature is AWESOME … and by ‘AWESOME,’ I mean it blows

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 31, 2009

One of the nice things about having two children who no longer are babies is that you can actually do things with them. Yes, I know, there are those—Wonder Woman herself, even—who get all misty when they think about the baby years, and feel a twinge inside whenever they see someone with a newborn … a twinge that says, “Baby! Baby cute! Baby cuddly! Baby so sweet! Must have another!” I feel a different twinge … a twinge that says, “Oh, you don’t even know what a great time you’re going to have during the looooooong, sleep-deprived, sanity-testing months to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Geek, Parenthood, TV | 20 Comments

I wanted to like my birthday surprise … really, I did

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 19, 2009

I’m having an extremely difficult time figuring out exactly how I want to approach writing about this, because the potential for me to come off sounding like a total dick is enormous—perhaps even unavoidable. In fact, if I were to add a subtitle to this entry, that subtitle would be: “Maybe the reason I didn’t is that I’m a total dick … and, hey, what’s my therapist’s phone number again?” Either that or, “You really shouldn’t forget to take your Wellbutrin twice a day as prescribed, particularly on days when you don’t want your family to think you’re a dick.”… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 16 Comments

Peace out, 2008. Yo yo yo, 2009.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 5, 2009

According to a number of blogs and editorials I’ve come across in recent days, it is clear to me that most people want 2008 to go suck it, and were anxious to see the door hit it in the ass. At the risk of making you all wanna throw tomatoes at me, I gotta tell ya: I do not concur. Yes, the economy blows goats, but guess what? I was already broke! Suddenly, having practically no money invested in the stock market is a good thing. Yay, me! “You see, honey? I had it planned like this all along; thank… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood, Politics | 11 Comments

Happy Holidays, Internet!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 22, 2008

At long last, here is the Christmas photo I mentioned a while back. And, as I also mentioned a while back, it is a truly hysterical photo, because, boy howdy, it—and I—did not look anywhere near that good in its original form. Which is not to say that I look all that great in the final product shown above, but goddamn, I was downright frightening in the original. And to prove to you, Internet, that I am willing to shun my own vanity in the name of good blogging, I give you the “before and after”: This was taken at… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 7 Comments

Hey, since we’re already lying to the kids anyway

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 11, 2008

… I’m running with it. The lying, that is … because, hell, isn’t that the premise upon which the entire Christmas season is built? I mean, really: a mythical guy who no one has ever seen, but who can see you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and knows if you’ve been bad or good, for goodness sake? Oh, and then there’s that Santa dude, too. I agree with those who say that children should learn the true meaning of Christmas, and not be taught to focus solely on a fantastical tale about a bearded fat guy in a… [read the rest]

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Putting the ‘Labor’ in Labor Day Weekend

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 2, 2008

Over the weekend, we attended a party thrown by my aunt and uncle, who have a lovely little cottage on Cape Ann, high atop a hill, with a terrific view of the ocean. It was from that charming vantage point that I succumbed to the evils of the wicked elixir known as Corona—which, for me, when attending a family function, is kind of like drinking spring water with a hint of lime. They went down fast, and they went down easy. This would have been well and good, except that, a few beers in, the little cerveza-soaked devil on my… [read the rest]

Also posted in Politics | 9 Comments

Teenage Mutant Ninja Kiddos

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 10, 2007

My nephew, Max, has gotten my son hooked on the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”—and I’d pause here to tell you how opposed I am to polluting Zan’s brain with garbage such as “TMNT,” but that ship has sailed, and I lost that battle long ago; apparently, objecting to violent children’s programs, toy weapons and violence-laced games places me in the minority—so, in the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” category, I put my photo-illustration skills to use to delight Zan and Max by placing them alongside their mutated heroes. Voila:… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | Leave a comment

37

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 18, 2007

OK, seriously: whose ass do I have to kick for speeding up time to the point that a year now passes in the span of what seems like a few weeks? Because I’m really not digging it. Last year, I wrote that I felt like 40 was coming over the horizon too quickly for my liking. It’s looming a lot larger now (though, I must say, turning 36 was more of a shock to my system; passing the halfway point of my 30s rattled my cage). I have found that reframing reality to my own specifications often makes me feel… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Music | 3 Comments

Happy Holidays!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 22, 2006

… [read the rest]

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Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2006

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

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Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 14, 2006

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Marriage | 2 Comments

36

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 17, 2006

I know it’s just a number, but I must admit, it’s the first birthday I’ve had that has made me feel old. I’m just getting comfortable with this whole 30-something concept, and, suddenly, most of my 30-somethings are behind me. Now I feel like I’m careening down a hill, at the bottom of which I will soon smash head first into 40. I don’t feel almost-40. By almost-40, I figured I’d be rich and famous—or, barring that, at least not have to bite my fingernails to the quick when it comes time to pay the monthly bills and live in… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | Leave a comment

Quit yer bitchin’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 10, 2006

Me: Wahhhhh! Wonder Woman, Zan and Jayna each have a cough and the sniffles, and I think I might be coming down with the same! We’re sick! How tragic! [Tragedy becomes fodder for previous blog entry.] The Universe, after reading said blog entry: You call that sick? I’ll show you sick, bee-yatch. [Cut to Wonder Woman hunched over toilet, vomiting uncontrollably and repeatedly throughout the night. Roll montage of clips depicting an even-more-sleep-deprived-than-usual me trying to be Mr. Mom the remainder of that evening and the following day. Cue laugh track.] Me: Wow. I sure wish Wonder Woman had something… [read the rest]

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Welcome to the infirmary

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 4, 2006

Wife: sick. Son: sick. Daughter: sick. Miraculously, after feeling the initial effects of whatever they have trying to drag me down earlier this week, I seem to have escaped its clutches—so far. Hooray, Airborne. Of course, if I don’t start getting a reasonable amount of shut-eye, I’m sure I’ll be the next victim of the bug that is running rampant in the Scratches household. So with that in mind, I will let this lame entry be my post of the day, and head to bed. Goodnight, Internet.… [read the rest]

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