Listen, I don’t know if my pharmacy sent me a particularly good batch of Wellbutrin, or if Wonder Woman has been spiking my meals with Ecstasy, or if the state of Pennsylvania is pumping nitrous oxide into the air, but today is my 41st birthday, and I’m not bothered in the slightest. In fact, I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. And your response to this seemingly banal and wholly unexciting revelation most likely is a resounding “Whoopdee-freakin’-doo,” and if that’s the case, I don’t blame you, because, yes, whoopdee-freakin’-doo indeed … except that, when my odometer… [read the rest]
Daddy's Briefs
- RT @HowardStern: Cory Booker Nails Marriage Equality In 5 Minutes http://t.co/vbORSEvC via @moveon @corybooker about 2 days ago from Twitter for iPhone
- If the new #VanHalen album kicked any more ass, it'd be wanted for assault. Full-body goosebumps. Dear @EddieVanHalen: Sorry I doubted you. about 2 days ago from web
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme: http://t.co/mkoOo7Du about 4 days ago from web
- Someone just found my site by searching the Internet for "middle aged male." Thanks for the reminder, asshole. about 5 days ago from web
- I love people. Especially when they stay away from me. about 6 days ago from web
- Hey, does anybody know if @Google is changing their privacy policy? about 6 days ago from Twitter for Mac
More ways to love me
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Recent Posts
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.
- Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”
- Happy Birthday to me … in NYC … Wait, come back. I promise I won’t try to bust out any more rhymes.
- If I had been any closer to the stage at that Van Halen show the other night, I’d be carrying Eddie’s baby
- That blow job I offered 2012? Already paying off.
Recent Comments
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme. (29)
- Kristin: Been there. Paid extra for the flavoring, only to have children immediately throw up the expensive medicine...
- Nicole: Brilliant! No other words.
- Wombat Central: After having spent roughly 2 hours to dispense 2 teaspoons of that shit to my son last year, I salute...
- Dorice: Oh Baby Tinks & Poops. A classic indeed.
- Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.” (40)
- Barbara: “having a dog is like having a baby … except the baby never advances beyond age two” Truer words...
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme. (29)
Greatest Hits
- The time I almost became a highly paid insurance mascot.
- The time I built a car … I mean, a high-tech doorstop.
- The time I committed the most embarrassing social gaffe in the history of embarrassing social gaffes.
- The time I couldn't free my daughter from a bath seat in which she had become trapped.
- The time I did my best to completely sabotage a dream vacation.
- The time I finally used my passport.
- The time I got a vasectomy.
- The time I hung out with Van Halen.
- The time I nearly burned down my house.
- The time I partied with all the cool mommybloggers and saved The Bloggess's life … sort of.
- The time I thought my son was going to get his ass kicked by a girl.
- The time I was forced to deal with an incontinent doll.








Happy Holidays, y’all! (Yes, I just said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” This does not mean I am waging a war against your religion. Stop being an idiot.)
The annual Scratches Family Christmas* card. Brought to you by … Photoshop. Thank you, Photoshop, for your heavenly glow, which allows me to spare the world from the increasingly severe and frightful lines in my face. I figure I’m about a year or two away from this: Have I told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition? [I just went back and checked, and it turns out that, yes, I have told you the story behind our Santa-photo tradition. Lucky you! You get to hear it again!] Well, you see, when Zan was six months old, he sat on Santa’s… [read the rest]