Category Archives: Jayna

The nuclear option … or, Why I’ve erased my children from the blogosphere

“Hey Dad, what the fuck is this website we found containing tons of pictures of, and stories about, us? Also, you’re an asshole and we hate you.” —My children, circa some point in the not-too-distant future When I started blogging almost a decade ago (yes, I’ve been blogging for almost a decade now … which is either very impressive, or very depressing, or probably both), my primary influences were a handful of Mommy Bloggers who were writing with equal parts brutal honesty, heartfelt emotion and sharp-tongued humor about the trials and tribulations of raising young children while simultaneously struggling to… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Parenthood, Writing, Zan | 16 Responses

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

An oldie but a goodie… Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | Tagged | 26 Responses

Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you

When I was a little boy, and thunder rumbled in the distance, my mother would react as though the approaching storm was an Afghani mortar attack instead of a minor weather event. Because of this, I spent much of my childhood reacting to thunderstorms in a similarly panicked fashion. When my mother was a little girl, and thunder rumbled in the distance, her parents presumably reacted calmly … until that one time when the electricity went out during a storm, and they sent her to get from her upstairs bedroom something to play with, and she opened the door at… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 14 Responses

Enter the Daddy

Jayna is friends with a girl in our neighborhood whose live-in grandmother is from China and speaks no English. Recently, I walked Jayna over to their house so that she could ask if her friend was able to come out and play. “Hi,” I said when the grandmother appeared at the screen door. She smiled and made a couple of sounds and gestures that I took to mean that Jayna’s friend was not at home. “Oh, she’s not home? Okay,” I said. The grandmother then made a couple more brief sounds and gestures that I took to mean that she… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Parenthood | 18 Responses

The Cruel Shoes

See those shoes? If you have young children, you’re probably quite familiar with them. If not: they’re called Crocs … and everyone loves Crocs. Crocs rock. Except, c’mere and I’ll tell you a little secret: I think they suck, and I rue the day my children fell in love with them. I don’t call them Crocs; I call them Trips … because I have watched my children trip and fall in them so many times — particularly Zan, who isn’t the most graceful or coordinated dude in the vicinity to begin with — that one would think I walked around… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 58 Responses