Category Archives: Jayna

A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 20, 2011

Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display the two of you put… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 22 Comments

Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 5, 2011

When I was a little boy, and thunder rumbled in the distance, my mother would react as though the approaching storm was an Afghani mortar attack instead of a minor weather event. Because of this, I spent much of my childhood reacting to thunderstorms in a similarly panicked fashion. When my mother was a little girl, and thunder rumbled in the distance, her parents presumably reacted calmly … until that one time when the electricity went out during a storm, and they sent her to get from her upstairs bedroom something to play with, and she opened the door at… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 14 Comments

Enter the Daddy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 23, 2011

Jayna is friends with a girl in our neighborhood whose live-in grandmother is from China and speaks no English. Recently, I walked Jayna over to their house so that she could ask if her friend was able to come out and play. “Hi,” I said when the grandmother appeared at the screen door. She smiled and made a couple of sounds and gestures that I took to mean that Jayna’s friend was not at home. “Oh, she’s not home? Okay,” I said. The grandmother then made a couple more brief sounds and gestures that I took to mean that she… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 18 Comments

Jayna: 6 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 6, 2011

Dear Jayna, Here is a visual representation of the past year of your life: Except with more “AAAGHHHHH!!!” and less “WEEEEEEE!!!” Just days after your fifth birthday, we sold our house in Massachusetts and bought one in Pennsylvania. Just days after that, your grandfather died suddenly and unexpectedly, and when I think about the nightmarish experience of telling you and your brother, and of you tearfully responding with, “But I wanted to go swimming with Popop!,” I could crumble. You loved him, and he loved you, and I’m so sorry he’s gone. And now I’m going to change the subject… [read the rest]

Posted in Jayna | 15 Comments

Jayna: 5 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 5, 2010

Dear Jayna, Yes, I know it’s been more than three weeks since your fifth birthday, but look at it this way: I didn’t write your brother’s annual letter until more than a month after his seventh. Basically, I’m early. You’re welcome. As I see it, the biggest challenge in writing this letter to you is that I really should be writing two letters: one to my sweet, adorable, charming, lovable little princess of a daughter, shown above, and one to the fire-breathing, demonic, she-devil from hell that in recent months has often inhabited your body: However, in the interest of… [read the rest]

Posted in Jayna | 15 Comments

So now I’m the unwitting poster child for why people shouldn’t have children?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 12, 2009

About four months ago, I tried to sell my kids. Except, not really. Over the weekend, I noticed a spike in traffic to the “Kids for Sale” blog entry, and subsequently discovered that it was coming from HappilyChildFree.com and Childfreedom.com, two sites that apparently are kind of like support groups for people who have decided to not have children. “Here is some mandatory reading for anyone considering having kids!” wrote the author of Happily Childfree. “I know he thinks this is funny, but the fact that most of it is true kinda makes it scary.” Let’s get something straight, Happily… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | Comments closed

The Cruel Shoes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 29, 2009

See those shoes? If you have young children, you’re probably quite familiar with them. If not: they’re called Crocs … and everyone loves Crocs. Crocs rock. Except, c’mere and I’ll tell you a little secret: I think they suck, and I rue the day my children fell in love with them. I don’t call them Crocs; I call them Trips … because I have watched my children trip and fall in them so many times — particularly Zan, who isn’t the most graceful or coordinated dude in the vicinity to begin with — that one would think I walked around… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 48 Comments

Pay no attention to that safer vaccine behind the curtain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 17, 2009

So I took the kids to get their flu shots yesterday, and it sucked. The End. Seriously, need I say more? I mean, if you’ve ever had to take your kids to get a flu shot — or any shot, for that matter — you know the deal: shot = sucks. The End. But, of course, that’s not The End, is it? No, certainly not … for I must entertain and astound you, and, with any luck, make you regurgitate your beverage through your nose. So … When Wonder Woman informed me that she had a work commitment Wednesday evening,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 31 Comments

Comin’ down the mountain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 9, 2009

After inadvertently helping my kids to determine that nature sucks, I, in the hopes of not ending our mini-vacation on a sour note, pointed the car north, and, a short while later, arrived at Attitash ski resort — which, during the off-season, it turns out, is converted into a summer playground. The main attraction? An alpine slide that, according to the resort’s website, is the longest in all of North America. Now, not only had Zan and Jayna never been on an alpine slide; I’d never been on one, either. (Wonder Woman claims to have gone on one as a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood, Zan | 15 Comments

Look at all the gorgeous wonders of nature, kids! Kids? Hello?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 4, 2009

Travel tip for all you parents out there: If you’d like to take your kids on a nature hike to see a spectacular waterfall in the mountains, don’t do it less than 24 hours after taking them to an enormous amusement park, because if you do, your kids will tell nature to go suck it. Yes, the morning after we went to Story Land, the weather again was beautiful, and seeing as how we were in the White Mountains and all, we decided we should take in some of the natural splendor of the region … so we checked out… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood, Zan | 14 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Life, Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

Jayna: 4 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 3, 2009

Dear Jayna, Chances are that one day, years from now, I’m going to walk you down an aisle and hand you off to the man with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life (provided that the man in question has passed a thorough background check), and when that day comes, I will say to that man a few words about how precious a thing to me is my daughter, and how I hope he always treats you as such—and then, in addition to handing to that man my daughter, I will hand to that man a pair of earplugs,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 16 Comments

Smooth Like Your Mother

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 11, 2009

That was the name of a band in which a college classmate of mine played … which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this post, except that it’s almost midnight and I’m falling asleep where I sit and I couldn’t think of a remotely witty title with the word “Mother” in it, so I went with what you see above. Moving on … In May of 2003, when Wonder Woman was out to HERE with our first child, and we were knee-deep in maniacally idyllic visions of a swaddled cherub nursing effortlessly and sleeping soundly for 12-to-14 hours-per-day, we… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

A week between entries? Way to keep people interested, dummy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 23, 2009

Jesus Christ, can somebody open some windows in here? Talk about stuffy. Place smells like a morgue. Whew. Sorry ’bout that. So, yes, I’m back from my weeklong semi-hiatus, and much love to you the faithful who have continued to return, day in, day out, to see if I’ve gotten off my ass and written something for you, only to find that I sucked, and hadn’t. (Which reminds me: Hi! Have you met my sort-of-daily Photo of the Day-ish feature? It usually comprises not only a breathtaking piece of photographic brilliance, but also some elegant, witty and wonderful prose relating… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood, Zan | 15 Comments

Happy Easter

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2009

Jayna’s no dummy; never trust a guy in a giant bunny suit, and make sure your big brother keeps him away from you.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 11 Comments

Is it just me, or is this blog starting to seem like little more than a diary of illnesses?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 3, 2009

Boy, that Life, I tell ya. Such a kidder. Always with the jokes, that one. A real cut-up. Ha-ha. Good one, Life. That whole “Jayna’s sick and won’t take a nap” thing? That was cute, wasn’t it? Seemed at the time like our nerves were stretched pretty thin. Yeah, that was yesterday … before The Coughing. Just imagine *cough* if *coughCOUGH* every *cough-GAG* three seconds *COUGH-GAG-BLARGH* you were violently coughing *COUGH-COUGH-whimper* to the point of gagging, *HACK-HACK-COUGH* and gagging *sniffle-snort-COUGH-COUGH-GAG* sometimes to the point of vomiting. That is what Jayna has been doing, almost literally nonstop since late yesterday afternoon.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 22 Comments

Jayna: 3 years, 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 26, 2009

Dear Jayna, Much has happened in the past eight months, and you have become quite the little firecracker. But enough about all of that. Let us talk at great length about your sleeping arrangements and related matters, shall we? As chronicled here recently, you have finally graduated from the crib to a big-girl bed … a move we were able to delay for you much longer than for your super-sized brother, who outgrew the crib about a week after he was born. And, though I’ve already covered this elsewhere, I would be remiss if I did not point out here… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 25 Comments

The darnedest things

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 16, 2009

We haven’t yet cleared Jayna for handling the toilet-paper part of bathroom use, so, when she finishes using the toilet, she hollers “DONE, DADDY!” or “DONE, MOMMY!” Her most recent visit to the bathroom occurred just a few minutes ago, and I was the parent summoned. As I entered, I was regaled with the following report: “I did tinks, Daddy. No poops … but I did a toot before I did tinks. It was a long tinks … and a long toot!” Which is funny enough on paper, but even funnier when delivered by a cute little blonde-haired muppet with… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 23 Comments

The Worst Daddy in the World

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 10, 2009

That’s me, baby. All you other daddies out there who thought you were the worst? IN YOUR FACE! YEAH! This distinction wasn’t bestowed upon me during an official awards ceremony, and, as far as I know, there isn’t actually a trophy or plaque or certificate that I can use to proudly display this honor, but it is a noteworthy accomplishment, nonetheless. I had a hunch that I was a serious contender for Worst Daddy in the World, because, yesterday afternoon, while Wonder Woman was at a doctor’s appointment, I overheard Zan and Jayna having a candid discussion about me. “And… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 29 Comments

Tinkerbed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 25, 2009

We said “Goodbye” to The Crib tonight. The Crib has been a part of our lives since before Zan was born. Prior to his arrival, we set it up in our apartment. Eventually, we placed him in it, and, not long thereafter, moved him and it to our house. When he graduated to a fire-engine bed, we placed Jayna in it. And, then last summer, Zan graduated to an actual twin-sized, big-boy bed. And Jayna decided she wanted one, and that she wasn’t interested in getting a transitional bed shaped like a pixie-dust-covered-pumpkin-chariot-princess-fairy thing. So, voila. There it is, assembled… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 14 Comments

Ski report

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2009

This past weekend marked the one-year anniversary of the first time my mother rented a house in the White Mountains, which means it also marked the one-year anniversary of our first attempt at strapping a pair of skis on Zan and getting him to take his first lesson. On that first occasion, he seemed interested in the concept until it came time for us to send him off with the instructors and other students, at which point he melted a gaping hole in the mountainside and made it clear that the parents-can’t-stay-with-you ski lesson was not going to be happening,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 15 Comments

Short and sweet

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 4, 2009

I’m sitting on the couch with Jayna last night during the evening ritual known as “Last Show” when she suddenly, out of nowhere, turns her head away from the TV, looks into my eyes and initiates the following exchange: “Daddy, I love being your child.” “Awww, thank you, honey. I love being your daddy.” Then, as if that wasn’t cute enough to make fuzzy pink bunnies and pixie dust shoot out of my nose, she adds: “And that makes my heart smile.” And that, my peeps, is why Daddy is willing to put up with shit like Baby Alive Tink… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 11 Comments

Another mouth to feed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 3, 2009

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners? This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself. But she is… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 34 Comments

Sick E. Cheese

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 14, 2009

I had a hunch something was brewing when I picked Jayna up from preschool yesterday … and I was right. Normally, when she comes out of the school and spots me, she screams my name gleefully and runs into my arms—you know, the same thing most people do when they see me. Yesterday, she lethargically plodded down the walkway toward me with nary a peep, and quietly put her head on my shoulder when I scooped her up. During the drive from the school to our daycare provider’s house, she almost drifted off to sleep. When we arrived, I carried… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 14 Comments

And the Academy Award for Best Parent in an Improv Performance While Operating an Automobile goes to …

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 13, 2009

Tuesday is my morning to chauffeur the lovely Miss Jayna to her nursery school, and doing so is always a bit of a crap shoot, because I never know which Jayna I’m going to get. Will it be the “Yay! School!” Jayna, or the “I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! [weeping and crying and screaming]” Jayna? This morning, it seemed to be the middle ground: she was neither psyched nor horrified by the prospect … and when your child is balancing between the realms of “Best Possible Outcome” and “Worst Possible Outcome,” ye must tread lightly and be on the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 8 Comments

Her career in stand-up comedy is a lock

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 14, 2008

The children understand the call-response concept of the “knock-knock” joke, but the actual humor part? That escapes them. Here’s Jayna’s latest attempt, delivered while at the dinner table this evening: “Daddy, knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “W h o i s t h e r e?” “Knock knock.” “W H O ’ S T H E R E?” “Apple in your underwear, I won’t get your orange juice!” Eat your heart out, Chris Rock.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 3 Comments

Jayna: 3 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2008

Dear Jayna,

Ah, my little princess. My sweet, adorable, loving, incorrigible, stubborn, ear-splittingly loud little princess. Three years old—going on 16. Just as your brother’s transformation over the past year has been dramatic, so, too, has yours.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 1 Comment

Jayna: 2 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2007

Dear Jayna,

Wow. My goodness, how you’ve changed since my previous letter to you. As I read that letter a moment ago and looked at the pictures that accompany it, I realized that you were still a baby back then; you are very much a little girl now.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | Leave a comment

Jayna: 1 year 3 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 20, 2006

Dear Jayna,

I’m sorry for skipping your last couple of letters—not only because I simply feel bad about not writing them, but also because my failure to write sooner has robbed you of letters that would have been comprised solely of my giddy raves about what a complete and utter delight you are from sunup till sundown. Unfortunately, I waited too long, and now your complete and utter delightfulness—which is still your predominant disposition—has become frequently interrupted by The Screaming.… [read the rest]

Posted in Jayna | 2 Comments

Jayna: 1 year

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 20, 2006

Last week, you were busy receiving many presents and shoving large quantities of frosted cake into your face, and I was busy trying to figure out where the hell the past year went all of a sudden.… [read the rest]

Posted in Jayna | Leave a comment

Jayna: 11 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 24, 2006

Not too much new to report since last month, and I suspect that I’ll be writing a lengthy entry to mark your soon-to-be-celebrated first birthday, so I’m going to try to keep this relatively brief (which, when it comes to my writing, means that there’s a small chance you won’t die of hunger before you finish reading it).… [read the rest]

Posted in Jayna | 1 Comment

Zan: 2 years 11 months,
Jayna: 10 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 15, 2006

It has been an eventful month, kids … so much so that I am again writing you a combined letter—a format I may just stick with from here on out. You were born on the 11th and 12th days of your respective birth months, and writing separate, lengthy, back-to-back missives is proving to be a challenge for me. So challenging, in fact, that, not only am I combining this month’s letters—I am also writing to you four days after Zan’s monthly milestone and three days after Jayna’s. (I’d like to be more punctual, but raising you keeps getting in the way of writing about raising you. It’s really annoying. I think you should start fending for yourselves more.)
… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 5 Comments

Safety 1st my ass

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 28, 2006

I am Daddy. Not only am I Daddy, but I am also Daddy the Ex-Military Police K-9 Handler, as well as The Person Who Is Smarter Than Everyone Else In the Room—two traits that inherently mean I can take care of “It,” whatever “It” might be.

I have been able to cloak myself in this delusion for years, and it has allowed me to chuckle and look with pity and scorn upon those among you who occasionally have found yourselves in laughably ridiculous situations from which you have had to be delivered by others who are apparently smarter and more levelheaded than you.

Well, even Superman has an Achilles Heel.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 14 Comments

Zan: 2 years 10 months 1 day,
Jayna: 9 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2006

Zan, April '06

Jayna, April '06

You’re getting a combined letter this month, kiddies. Why? Well, because I had planned to write Zan’s yesterday, but I instead had to take care of Zan while mommy took Jayna to the doctor’s office, and then had to meet mommy and Jayna at the hospital when the doctor sent them to the emergency room. Oh yes, good times, my children. Good times. And the hits just keep on comin’.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | Leave a comment

Jayna: 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 12, 2006

Confession: You and I got off to a bit of a bumpy start. I had forgotten how frequently difficult and unpleasant it can be to care for a newborn, and you reminded me in spades. I must admit, I far prefer having a walking, talking and often-humorous 2-year-old to having a 9-pound screaming/eating/pooping machine that sleeps in bite-sized portions and just WILL NOT STOP CRYING NO MATTER WHAT I DO.… [read the rest]