Category Archives: Life

I’ve narrowly cheated death yet again

There are many downsides to being a hypochondriac … but it does have its benefits. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I headed to my doctor’s office for the third time in about two weeks … which, for me, is unfuckingprecedented, since my immune system is basically on par with Wolverine’s. And yet, despite my mutant healing powers, I’ve had a persistent cough for, like, a month now. During my first doctor’s visit, he prescribed an albuterol inhaler and a codeine-based cough suppressant. After a week, the inhaler had accomplished roughly jack shit, and I’m pretty sure I was downing the… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 34 Responses

I’m basically replacing Howard Stern … except for the “replacing Howard Stern” part.

m4s0n501 Testing, testing … one, two … mic check … is this thing on? It is? OK, good. HEY NOW! Listen, you might find this hard to believe, but things went so well for me at Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash that Howard himself gave me a job. In fact, he said he’s grooming me to take over the show after he retires. My first move? Fire Benjy. Of course, the reason you might find that hard to believe is that it’s, well, total bullshit. Completely made up. Nothing more than a figment of my imagination. HOWEVER … I did get… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Howard Stern | 2 Responses

The Week in Review: January 24, 2014 … a collection of bitching and moaning misleadingly presented as though it were part of an ongoing weekly feature that doesn’t really exist

As previously reported, I had a lovely birthday last Friday … and I am both glad and thankful for the memory of that day, because I’ve not had a particularly good one since. Over the weekend, I … Christ, I don’t even remember. I know it largely involved trying (and, ultimately, failing in epic fashion) to not lose my shit all over my eight-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who for the past two weeks has slipped into a horrifically disconcerting, anxiety-induced regression back to age three … complete with nonstop, inconsolable crying and “No!”-ing and grunting and, most disturbingly, endless amounts of high-pitched,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Cubicle, Howard Stern, Winter | 8 Responses

The Scratches Family’s Excellent Adventure, Part 2: Now featuring twice the booze!

[Click here for Part 1] “Is there any chance of us getting a room with a view?” I asked using my best “I’m a really nice guy and we’re a really nice family so maybe you could hook us up with a really nice room?” voice. “Well, view rooms are extra,” replied the nice young lady checking us in. Hmmm. What madness was this? The power of my nice-guy charm is second only to the Jedi mind trick. Clearly, she wasn’t human. I suspected Disney was beta testing some extremely lifelike animatronic employees. “Oh, OK,” I said … nicely. Charmingly,… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 5 Responses

The Scratches Family’s Excellent Adventure, Part 1: In which we learn that everything’s more fun when I gag the voices in my head

Listen, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t get much time off, or because we rarely travel, or because the smog blanketing Los Angeles is actually laughing gas, or because the comparative horror of spending all day trapped in a windowless cubicle makes anything seem glorious by comparison … but, whatever the case, I have never had more fun with my family than I did during our recent California vacation. It is a massive relief to be able to say that … because I planned my ass off for this trip. I spent hours searching for the right hotel… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Parenthood | 7 Responses