Category Archives: Life

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 25, 2012

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 40 Comments

Happy Birthday to me … in NYC … Wait, come back. I promise I won’t try to bust out any more rhymes.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 17, 2012
Happy Birthday to me ... in NYC ... Wait, come back. I promise I won't try to bust out any more rhymes.
Click the image above to view full-size photo.

I’m 42 today.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Featured Photo | 30 Comments

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 1, 2012

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 6 Comments

Proof that Pixar should have hired me to draw Lightning McQueen

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 12, 2011

This is me standing next to the Lamborghini that I happened upon while in Philadelphia this past weekend. As you can see, I had my camera with me … which was fortuitous, as it allowed me to capture a fabulous photograph of this kick-ass automobile. And I had fully intended to show you that photograph. However, despite going out of my way last night to make sure that I would be able to access from my work computer today the photograph in question, the Internet has chosen to instead flip me the digital bird. (I’m flipping the Internet the digital… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 13 Comments

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 16, 2011

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to Wonder Woman after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads. “What?” “Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.” “Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.” Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my fucking mouth. Listen, when my mother-in-law sprung for us to attend an expensive benefit dinner at a luxury apartment in the ritziest section of Philadelphia for a meal prepared by the chef of a well-known Italian restaurant, I… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 27 Comments

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN! Part 2

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2011

Let’s review the preceding events: • My car is in the shop after creating a public-safety threat of epic proportions. • My yard is destroyed in the wake of a freak October snowstorm … and if there’s one thing I enjoy more than the frigid delight of your average winter snowstorm, it’s A FREAK OCTOBER SNOWSTORM THAT DESTROYS MY YARD. • My wife’s car has just broken down in the middle of the street on a huge hill near the elementary school our children attend, which has given her the pride-swelling honor of standing by the side of the road… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 12 Comments

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 3, 2011

Sorry for my delay in writing this year’s Spooktacular Recap, but I’ve been busy with CLINGING TO WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY SANITY. Suffice it to say that this year’s Halloween weekend was asstastically heavy on tricks and anorexically thin on treats. Let’s begin.   FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28th Question: Is it a good thing when your car wets itself? Answer: No, it is not … especially when the fluid in question turns out to be gasoline. You know what happens when you call for a tow truck to come fetch your incontinent automobile? The tow-truck people advise you to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 24 Comments

Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 5, 2011

When I was a little boy, and thunder rumbled in the distance, my mother would react as though the approaching storm was an Afghani mortar attack instead of a minor weather event. Because of this, I spent much of my childhood reacting to thunderstorms in a similarly panicked fashion. When my mother was a little girl, and thunder rumbled in the distance, her parents presumably reacted calmly … until that one time when the electricity went out during a storm, and they sent her to get from her upstairs bedroom something to play with, and she opened the door at… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 14 Comments

Surviving The Matrix: Year One

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 20, 2011

A year ago today, I left my new house with a bag lunch in my hand, dorktastic clothes on my body, 10-year-old dress shoes on my feet and a massive knot in my stomach. After years of building a career on my own terms, I was, at age 40, taking an unwanted but necessary detour into Corporate America, where I would earn a living as a sunlight-deprived, business-casual-wearing, cubicle-dwelling web developer. It’s not easy to pretend you’re Mr. Anderson when you know you’re really Neo. It took a while before I stopped having anxiety attacks at my new job —… [read the rest]

Also posted in Cubicle | 19 Comments

9/11/2011

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 11, 2011

A lot of people are marking the 10-year anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks by posting on their blogs their recollections of that day. I already did that a couple years ago … but it seems worth acknowledging again today, so I’m re-posting it here. It’s long-winded and profane and not particularly special or captivating … but it’s what I remember about that day. * * * Originally Published: September 11, 2009 No one I knew or was related to died on that awful day, and I was neither in New York nor Washington D.C. when it happened; like most,… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 7 Comments

I’m not really as desperate and pathetic as my previous post suggests. Please believe me. I’m begging you. (Which, I admit, is both desperate and pathetic. Go figure.)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 9, 2011

One of my regular readers left a comment on my previous post, the one in which I (half-)jokingly lamented my failure (thus far) to reach blogging superstardom … and I was going to reply to her in the “Comments” section of that post until it occurred to me that she probably wasn’t the only reader thinking what she was thinking. And so, because I am a selfless giver who always tries to serve the Greater Good, I shall address her remarks here for all of you. Allyssa writes: I’m a long-time reader (found you from a comment on dooce’s website)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Writing | 13 Comments

Oh, good: I’m not the only wanna-be-Internet-famous daddy blogger wallowing in obscurity while sucking down a tall glass of dashed hopes mixed with a paralyzing fear of failure

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 8, 2011

Sometimes, dreams come true … and all of the twists and turns in the road suddenly make sense … and all of your hard work finally gets you where you want to be … and all of your obsessive dedication to a seemingly fruitless quest is vindicated. Or so I’m told. And sometimes? Sometimes you have to settle for finding comfort in the fact that you’re not the only guy to have dreamed your particular dream, and that another guy with the same dream is standing beside you outside the fence, looking through the bars, both of you watching your… [read the rest]

Also posted in Writing | 36 Comments

I’m baaaaa-aaaaack

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 29, 2011

A few months ago, I was feeling all blogged out … to the point that the thought of abandoning this whole thing crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Fortunately (or, depending on your opinion of my blog, unfortunately), Wonder Woman stepped in and killed that option. Some serious soul-searching followed, the outcome of which was that I decided it was time to refocus on my dreams and set my sights on a new creative-writing endeavor. At the time, I would not have predicted that the “new” creative-writing endeavor would actually turn out to be the rebirth of a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Writing | 54 Comments

The one in which I reassess my life and contemplate my future … which should be about as entertaining for you to read as a stock prospectus for an embalming-fluid company, except less so

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 18, 2011

My mother gave me that album when I was seven years old, and it changed my life … for the better, I used to think … but now I’m starting to wonder. To make a long story slightly less long than it’s probably going to end up being anyway — because we all know how much I love the sound of my own voice — that album, and the band that made it, basically carved into my young and impressionable DNA the lifelong belief that I should never give up on my dreams. (Spending one’s childhood worshipping four dudes who… [read the rest]

Also posted in Cubicle, Inspiration, Music, Writing | 46 Comments

My wife insists that I keep blogging. Basically, whatever happens from here on in is her fault, is what I’m saying.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2011

SCENE: A screened-in porch in the suburban-Philadelphia area. We see Daddy Scratches and Wonder Woman consuming margaritas … delicious, Cabo Wabo-tequila-filled margaritas … so delicious, in fact, that this narrator currently is fantasizing about drinking roughly a dozen of them … but I digress. Let’s listen in. DS: My blog is dying. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had any time for it, and, quite frankly, I’m having a hard time getting motivated to do anything with it … but I don’t know if I could just walk away from it. WW: [incredulously] Walk away from it? You… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 59 Comments

After narrowly avoiding disaster, our bumbling hero and his lovely bride arrived in Mexico. Debauchery ensued.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 10, 2011

You can relax now. The passport fiasco is behind us. I know, I know … it was stressful and inexcusable and I promise you that the next time I travel abroad I will staple my passport to my chest, OK? Better? Now then … Have you ever been to Mexico? And I’m not talking about, like, Tijuana; I’m talking about this Mexico: That was the view Wonder Woman and I enjoyed during the four days we spent lounging in luxurious lounge chairs by the luxurious negative-edge pool overlooking the luxurious beach at our luxury resort, which was luxuriously devoid of… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 19 Comments

That trip to Mexico I keep meaning to tell you about, which almost didn’t happen because of my unrivaled ability to be a complete and utter moron

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 7, 2011

About two hours into our flight from Philadelphia to Cancun, I discovered that I had committed The Biggest Fuck-Up of All Time … like, to the extent that I knew it would be best for my marriage if I just went ahead and threw myself out of the aircraft. Which was a shame, really … because everything had been going so well. The kids were sound asleep at my in-laws’ house when Wonder Woman and I slipped out into the chilly, predawn darkness and drove to the airport. Once there, we breezed through check-in and cruised through security without being… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Marriage | 33 Comments

We were young and fit and healthy and childless (and young) and full of energy and disposable time and discretionary income … and mostly took it for granted. *sigh*

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 28, 2011

Us, circa 1999: Us, circa 2010: Wonder Woman is headed to the hairdresser today, and she asked me for some input about what to do with her locks. I recalled the 1999 photo up top there as being one in which her hair looked particularly lovely, so I dug it out. Wow. And now, I will spend the rest of the day hearing Mick Jagger’s voice in my head singing, “What a drag it is getting oooold.” (So old, in fact, that I’m wondering if you whippersnappers even know who Mick Jagger is.) Actually, I have occasionally gone on Facebook… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 33 Comments

An open letter to my son, whom I recently thought was totally going to get his ass whupped by a girl

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 26, 2011

Dear Zan, For a few moments this past weekend, I was fairly certain that, through no fault of your own, you were about to get your ass thoroughly kicked by a girl. But let’s back up a bit. A week ago this past Saturday, you had your first wrestling meet, and I am forever scarred by this experience, because it turns out that it is terribly unnerving to watch your 7-year-old son fighting for his life. To be completely honest, I’d rather you weren’t participating in this sport. I think it is way too intense for someone your age. Of… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 26 Comments

Today is my 41st birthday, and I am celebrating by not having a massive mental breakdown

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 17, 2011

Listen, I don’t know if my pharmacy sent me a particularly good batch of Wellbutrin, or if Wonder Woman has been spiking my meals with Ecstasy, or if the state of Pennsylvania is pumping nitrous oxide into the air, but today is my 41st birthday, and I’m not bothered in the slightest. In fact, I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. And your response to this seemingly banal and wholly unexciting revelation most likely is a resounding “Whoopdee-freakin’-doo,” and if that’s the case, I don’t blame you, because, yes, whoopdee-freakin’-doo indeed … except that, when my odometer… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family | 32 Comments

I ♥ New York (or, “My awesome weekend in the Big Apple with my hot wife, Colin Quinn & Demonic Al Roker”)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 10, 2011

Here’s how much of a good time Wonder Woman and I had in NYC this weekend: The two straight-up margaritas we had delivered to our hotel room after knocking back several rounds during lunch at a nearby restaurant? I didn’t even mind when I found out the next morning that those two drinks cost us a total of almost $50.  And speaking of knocking back several rounds during lunch at a nearby restaurant…  Yes, that is a penis above our heads. No, we weren’t surprised when we saw the photo; we knew it was there. In fact, Wonder Woman basically… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 12 Comments

Dear 2011: I am going to massage your ass with exotic oils while feeding you hand-peeled grapes and telling you how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking you are

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 1, 2011

One year ago today, I told 2010 that I was going to whup its ass … and 2010 responded by putting on a pair of these and using my nuts as a speedbag … so I’m trying a different tack this time around. This past year was, without a doubt, the single most unpleasant, difficult, overwhelming, foundation-shaking, depression-inducing, anxiety-provoking year of my entire life. I know that the calendar is a man-made construct, and that the delineation between December 31, 2010 and January 1, 2011 is merely symbolic … but after the year I just had, I am more than… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 15 Comments

Thank sweet baby Jeebus for fake moviemaking thingamajigs on the Internet, because if I ever tried to spread this much holiday cheer for realz, I’d need a hip replacement

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 21, 2010

Happy Holiday’s, y’all. Love, The Scratches Family Dancers… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 5 Comments

I’m kind of like a superhero who saves people … except the people I save usually aren’t in any real danger other than that which I’ve conjured up in my own wildly neurotic imagination

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 19, 2010

Last weekend, my mother-in-law treated me, Wonder Woman, our kids, our nephew and WW’s older brother to the Philly Pops’ annual holiday concert at The Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts — or, as I like to call it, The Anxiety-Provoking Center for the Provocation of Anxiety in the Overly Neurotic Parent Who Fears the Accidental Falling from Great Heights and Subsequent Premature Death of His Children and Nephew. The building itself was as spectacular as had my wife, mother-in-law and brother-in-law led me to believe it would be. An architectural masterpiece, really. Unfortunately, when I’m responsible for the wellbeing… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 17 Comments

Working, man

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 18, 2010

As you may or may not recall (because it’s been so long since I actually, you know, wrote something here), I got laid off back in May … and although I was courted by a Big Financial Services Company and briefly flirted with the idea of becoming the new Aflac duck, I passed on both of those opportunities in the hopes that something better might come along. Prior to my layoff, Wonder Woman and I had already decided to move our family from the Boston area to the Philadelphia area, so the week I was laid off, I haphazardly fired… [read the rest]

Also posted in Writing | 24 Comments

I’m not sure that this changes everything, but it’s definitely better than the gloom and doom that have lingered around my blog for the past several weeks

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 20, 2010

Yes, yes, I know: You were hoping for another entry filled with death and despair and angry screeds about the unfairness of life in general, because that’s always a good time, but indulge me for a moment while I reminisce about my funky-fresh trip to Atlanta. You see, back in February, I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit, which was my first-ever blog conference … and it was awesome … but, by the end of that event, it was quite clear to me that, despite rumors to the contrary, I am not one of the girls. So, when plans for… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 12 Comments

You are going to be SO happy you came to my blog today, because nothing says “entertainment” like grief and sorrow and mourning, am I right?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 8, 2010

You know how sometimes you and your spouse make plans to get it on after the kids go to bed, and you spend the day flirting with each other, building the anticipation, fantasizing about the delightful 7.5 minutes that will unfold later that evening, and then you finally put the kids down, and you’re just about to get your groove on when, suddenly, you hear a noise that, upon further investigation, turns out to be the sound of your child spewing forth the contents of his or her stomach, and instead of knocking boots with your spouse, you spend the… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 88 Comments

Numb

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 11, 2010

Last night, I drove my family to my in-laws’ house in Pennsylvania, where we planned to spend the next two days before continuing on to Delaware for our much-anticipated annual vacation in Bethany Beach. It was to be our fourth consecutive summer spending a week in a beautiful beach-side house with my wife’s family; the previous three vacations there had easily been my favorite one-week period in each of the respective years during which they took place. My in-laws were sound asleep when we arrived at around 1:30 this morning, and we were all sound asleep when my father-in-law headed… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 147 Comments

Technically, this is a new blog post … but you would be hard-pressed to find a more lame and sorry-ass excuse of a post than this

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 28, 2010

So this is what it’s come to: I’m in bed, on the verge of passing out from exhaustion … but, like any obsessive-compulsive iPhone user worth his or her salt, I can’t just climb into bed and go to sleep. Oh no; first, I must check Twitter and email, for you never know when that life-changing tweet or electronic missive is going to show up, am I right? Back in early 2008, I began working on the first iteration of my Daddy Scratches WordPress theme. Took me about eight months to finish building it. During the two years since then,… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 12 Comments

Hi.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 21, 2010

I spent about two seconds looking for some kind of stock image I could use at the beginning of this post — an image that would spruce things up while simultaneously conveying the distress and chaos that have abounded in my life this past week — but I quickly realized that the extent to which things have been distressful and chaotic is such that I can’t even feign having the capacity for the kind of whimsy that the use of such a stock image would require. The past five days have been fucked. Not just fucked, but FUCKED. Like nothing… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 33 Comments

Unemployed, but popular (in a completely obscure and geeky kind of way)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 20, 2010

Now that I’m officially unemployed, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want to do, whenever the hell I want to do it. That’s right, baby: you can’t hold me down. I’m as free as a bird … albeit a soon-to-be-homeless bird with two kids, a wife and a six-figure pile of debt I no longer have any means to pay for. But, hey: freedom is a state of mind … and if you’re as insane as I am, you can look at all of those dire realities and shrug them off with one big, fat, optimistic “Fuck… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration | 14 Comments

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 13, 2010

OK, seriously: What’s with all the hubbub about high unemployment rates in this country? Because I’m still two business days away from separating with my soon-to-be-former employer, and already the job offers are coming at me faster than I can keep up with them. You jobless whiners out there must be a bunch of losers; this job-search shit is even easier than kicking my kids’ asses at Candyland. As if yesterday’s offer of a Financial Services Representative position from my man Glenn wasn’t enough, this morning, I received the following pitch from Aflac: —— Dear Jon: I found your resume… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 22 Comments

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 12, 2010

Since learning last week that I had been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email: —— Hi Jon, My name is Glenn [So-and-so] Managing Partner for [Nationally Known Life Insurance/Financial Services Company]. I recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder and your background would be a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position that we are looking to fill. I would like to… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 32 Comments

Pardon me while I use this post to take care of some important administrative business

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 6, 2010

From: Jon, a.k.a. Daddy Scratches 1 Way Too Expensive House Chokingly Huge Mortgage, MA, 0MFG! To: The Bank Dear The Bank, Listen, about that money I owe you? See, here’s the thing: I bought this house and all this other shit when I had, you know, a job. Problem is, I found out a couple days ago that my job? My job of the past 10 years? The dream, work-from-home, full-time-music-journalist job that I love so much? Yeah, that’s gone. Pfft. Gonzo. See ya. Buh-bye. And, sadly, gone with it are all those other things I love so much …… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 28 Comments

Happy Birthday, Baby

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 30, 2010

Yes, yes, I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the tale of our dream vacation in Mexico, but you’ll have to wait just a short while longer, for today is a momentous occasion. No longer am I a 40-year-old man getting it on with a 30-something MILF. As of today, I’m shacking up with a woman my own age. So here’s to you, my lovely bride, and to the decade ahead. We certainly got things off to a good start. P.S.: Just remember that I’m the only one around here who’s allowed to have a mid-life crisis; if… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 15 Comments

More evidence that a.) I’m mentally ill, and b.) I really do need a vacation

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 22, 2010

Remember that whole Balloon Boy thing? I discovered today that it apparently scarred me. As I watched what we were all led to believe was a homemade weather balloon with a 5-year-old boy trapped inside of it — or, worse, a homemade weather balloon that may already have ejected and sent plunging to his death a 5-year-old boy — I couldn’t help but imagine how I’d feel if it was one of my own children, and the anxiety that I experienced as a result of that pleasant little daydream was intense. (And, yes, I wanted to beat the balls off… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | 25 Comments

The one where I justify spending a ton of money we don’t have, because it’s all in the name of LOVE, people

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2010

Oh, the stress. The stress, I tell you. It’s very stressful, the stress, it is. And I regret to inform you that the biggest source of my stress right now stems from a subject that currently is embargoed, so I can not yet speak of it here, but suffice to say that the stressor in question? It’s particularly stressful … stressfully so, in fact. And when the embargo is lifted, there very well may be an absolutely riveting (to me, anyway) saga unfolding in these here pages. But, alas, that will have to wait for now. Meanwhile, there’s the rest… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 28 Comments

Helpful tip: Don’t go to the Emergency Room on St. Patrick’s Day. Also? Don’t try to be your own pharmacist.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 19, 2010

So there I was, shortly after midnight Thursday, in the emergency room, eight or nine wires connecting my arms, legs and torso to an EKG machine so that the triage nurse could make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack. I was pretty sure I wasn’t, but, you know … there was all this really expensive shit right there that could definitively say whether or not I was, so I figured I might as well go with it. I wasn’t having a heart attack. What I was having, however, was a lengthy, at times mild, at times not so mild,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | 28 Comments

Home alone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 11, 2010

(You can see the real version here. Keep in mind that I’m roughly 20 years older than this guy and didn’t get paid to rehearse for a week with a five-camera shoot, OK?)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Embarrassing | 48 Comments

I survived Mom2.0hmygodwhathaveIgottenmyselfinto?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 28, 2010

You guys, I am so sorry it has taken me this long to finally write about my experience at last week’s Mom 2.0 Summit in Houston, but, um, well … this is kind of embarrassing, so I’m just going to say it: I had to spend the week working off my bill at the Four Seasons. Yeah, there was this whole “I’m sorry, Mr. Scratches, but you can’t settle your account with your library card” incident, and the next thing I know, I’m changing sheets and cleaning toilets for five days straight. Fuckers Bastards. (See? Mom 2.0 made me more… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration | 25 Comments

If it makes you feel any better, I am achingly aware of just how badly I suck for not yet posting an epic Mom 2.0 recap

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 27, 2010

And I was about to type, “I promise, it will be worth the wait” … but then I thought to myself, “Who the fuck needs that kind of pressure?” I mean, I think it’s shaping up to be a phenomenal post … but I already am on the verge of collapsing from lack of sleep due to a slew of side jobs that all came due this week, and to which I’ve had to tend during every waking moment since my return from Houston, all the while knowing that my beautiful blog is wilting from neglect. But I will make… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 13 Comments

Oh, you mean that Mom 2.0 Summit I’ve known for months I’d be attending is suddenly here, and I’m once again scrambling at the last minute to get out of town? Well, at least I’m consistent.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 18, 2010

You guys should totally see what’s going on in a parallel universe right now. The other me? He’s sleeping soundly. Went to bed hours ago. Oh yes, he was packed well in advance for the Mom 2.0 Summit, which kicks off tomorrow today in Houston. The contented-looking smile on his face as he slumbers? It is there because he also stuck admirably to his plan of posting new blog entries with tremendous frequency in the weeks and days leading up to the summit, so as to demonstrate just what a heavyweight blogger he is, thereby assuring himself a place of… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 21 Comments

40

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 5, 2010

OK, so let’s get this over with, shall we? I’m 40. Four. Zero. Or, as the balloon says, “Oh NO … the Big Four OH!” (because this balloon apparently was designed by someone who thinks turning 40 is so universally awful that people will actually pay money to decorate their celebration with an enormous Mylar blimp that basically says “Embrace the dread, you ancient fuck!” … which would be funnier if not for the fact that we bought one). That show “Thirty Something” that I never watched when it was on, because it was about old people? Yeah, well, it’s… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 38 Comments

At last, the big birthday post … except, not really

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 1, 2010

And now, finally, a birthday tale. Except, not the big 40th-birthday-gala tale I keep promising and then never deliver. No, that again has been pushed back. Seriously, though: I wasn’t just fucking with you when I said I planned to finally write and post that 40th-birthday-gala tale this past Saturday (although it did make for a mildly humorous punchline when Saturday came and went and I ended up not posting it after all, despite my assurances to the contrary, eh? Oh yes, what a chuckle; I am nothing if not unintentionally funny). See, the thing is, my sister? Her first… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family | 7 Comments

R.I.P. R.B.P.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 21, 2010

In junior high, my friend Mike turned me on to Boston author Robert B. Parker’s “Spenser” detective series. A television series titled “Spenser for Hire,” starring the late Robert Urich as the Boston-based private investigator, had recently begun airing, and I was a fan, but had been unaware of the novels. During the more than 25 years since, I have read almost every book Parker has written (close to 70). He is, by far, my favorite author. Smart, funny and prolific (he notoriously wrote about five pages per day, never bothered with rewrites, and cranked out a new book every… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration | Comments closed

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree … How did you get so smelly?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 13, 2010

I like to put off for as long as possible the throwing away of the Christmas tree — both because I love the way it looks, all colorful and aglow … and because I like putting things off for as long as possible. Left to my own devices, my lack of Christmas-tree-disposal enthusiasm can sometimes result in the transformation of a Christmas tree into a Cinco de Mayo tree … but my hand was forced this year — which is how the tree came to be planted in a snowbank a week ago yesterday. “We have to get that tree… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 22 Comments

I FINALLY got to use my passport!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 8, 2010

In my mind, I am a worldly, tuxedo-wearing, international man of mystery, jetting to and fro, blending seamlessly with my surroundings … by all appearances a high-class, streetwise native of whatever far-flung, exotic locale in which I find myself. In reality, I rarely leave the house. But I have a passport. Oh yes, a passport. A passport with which I could gain entry to any country of my choosing. France, for example. It was in December of 2001 when I secured my first and only passport. Somehow, despite being a bona fide adventurous, carpe diem kinda guy, I had managed… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 26 Comments

And if this doesn’t work, I’ve got a lead on a witch doctor

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 7, 2010

Shortly after I turned 30 (you know, roughly a decade ago… and, yeah, there’s a thought that really cheers me up, thanks!), I climbed into bed one night with a book that I had seen lying around the house for at least a year or so: “Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood through Adulthood.” I assumed that it was just another of the many clinical books that Wonder Woman had accumulated as a result of her social-work career, but I had been on the receiving end of a number of ADD jokes over the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 27 Comments

Nothing says ‘Forgive me for my mental-illness-induced patch of blogging suckery’ like a free CD, am I right?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 4, 2010

Pardon me while I cop right the hell out and resort to giving away a CD in an effort to distract you from the fact that I have so far been unable to carve out the time and/or muster the energy to write that explanatory post about that previously mentioned holistic treatment that Zan and I recently underwent. I promise, I’m going to do so imminently … just not tonight. But, hey, as my brain frantically flails about in search of equilibrium while adjusting to the cessation of several years of twice-daily doses of Wellbutrin, as well as to the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Free stuff | Comments closed

Dear 2010: I am going to whup your ass

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 1, 2010

Oh, the visions I had for this inaugural post of 2010. First, I was going to mention how it was four years ago tonight that I launched an early incarnation of this blog, followed by a bit of reflection on how far this whole experiment has come since then. Also swirling through my brain were thoughts about banging out some kind of year-in-review piece, perhaps with links to a few of my more memorable posts of 2009, as well as some of my characteristically brilliant, insightful, witty and profound commentary on the first decade of the new millennium. But here’s… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 28 Comments

Happy Holidays from the World’s Worst Blogger!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 14, 2009

Do you know that it’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Yeah, this is what they tell me. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around that concept, because, when I picture in my mind’s eye the circumstances surrounding a time period bearing the title “Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” nowhere in that vision do I see myself dressed as Indiana Jones running through a cave while the month of December bears down upon me like a giant fucking boulder, threatening to crush me under the weight of too many commitments and too little time and hardly any… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 18 Comments

Yeah, I used to party in the big city like a madman, too … you know, back in the late 1900s

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 3, 2009

Gather ’round, children, and let your ol’ Grandpappy Scratches tell you about the night he realized he was no longer young and hip and cool (and those of you who are saying, “Yeah, like you ever were??”: Shut the hell up. Jerks.). So last week, I hung out with Bossy and her Blog Posse in Philly, and that was such a hoot (←we old people say things like “such a hoot”) that I wondered if a similar Boston get-together might be possible … and when I floated the idea, The Coupon Goddess, whom I met last summer during my first-ever… [read the rest]

Also posted in Embarrassing | 18 Comments

Tis the season to be jolly …
and by ‘jolly,’ I mean batshit crazy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 2, 2009

Well well well, looky who finally decided to update his blog! Sorry, y’all, but it took me this long to recover from my ca-ray-zay in-sane night out with Bossy and company. Actually, that’s a crock (though it was a whole lotta fun); truth is, I’ve just plain had — and continue to have — way too many plates spinning. Let’s review: Remember the whole iMac nightmare this past summer, and the brain aneurysm it almost caused me, and the external hard drive that descended from the heavens and saved the day? Well, shortly before we departed for our week-long Thanksgiving… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 12 Comments

Girls’ night out

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 24, 2009

Daddy Scratches and Wonder Woman rolled into South Philly last night to hook up with Bossy and her blog posse (which sounds so much better than “Bossy and her blogger crew” … duh), and let’s just say that we tore shit up, yo … and by “tore shit up,” I mean we drank margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and didn’t get home till almost midnight! (Scoff all you like, future parents of America, but you can rest assured that, some day, the aforementioned feat will totally fall into your “I tore shit up” category.) What to say about Bossy? Well,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 19 Comments

We have a winnah!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 20, 2009

OK, you can stop hitting the “Refresh” button on your browsers now, people … because I just know that’s what you’ve been doing while suffering the agonizing anticipation of finding out just which one of you will claim that spectacular prize valued at a whopping $9.99! So, without further ado … the winner of a free copy of John Mayer’s just-released album, “Battle Studies,” per the Random Number Generator, is #42 … which, it pleases me to say, is the lovely Deanna Cantrell, a.k.a. Dcan, who blogs at Chronicle Cantrell … and the reason is pleases me to say that… [read the rest]

Also posted in Free stuff | 15 Comments

OK, so I guess I won’t write about meeting the doubleyoo i gee gee ell e esses after all

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 6, 2009

I was working on this great post about our encounter earlier this week with a certain group of Aussie performers who wear yellow, red, blue and purple shirts (hereafter referred to as They Who Must Not Be Named), and I’m telling you, it was going to entertain you to the point of sheer delirium. Unfortunately, a couple of hours ago, the publicist who had arranged for my family to meet They Who Must Not Be Named emailed me to say that the circumstances of our encounter — and the details of the encounter itself — were to remain unpublicized. Well,… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 15 Comments

Be afraid. Be very afraid (that I’m allowed to raise children, that is).

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 4, 2009

Is it possible that this man’s children could ever grow up to be normal? Because I’m hopeful, but not very optimistic. I’ve already documented how nuts I get on Halloween, but the photo above really demonstrates the extent of my Halloween-induced insanity. I paint my face. Like The Crow. For no apparent reason. You know, other than the fact that it’s just what I do on Halloween. Because, when it comes to Halloween, I’m a freak. (Actually, when it comes to most things, I’m a freak … but particularly when it comes to Halloween.) Perhaps the most glaring bit of… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

There’s a small chance that you don’t totally suck at parenting, and you occasionally might even see evidence that supports that theory

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 30, 2009

[NOTE: If you followed a link over here from The Pioneer Woman's article about layer masks, I was referencing the color-on-B&W photos contained in the entry below, so feel free to scroll on down if you'd rather skip the story and just view the pictures.] There are those of you, I’m sure, who think that this blog is nothing more than one big digital shrine where I can stroke my overinflated ego for all the world to see … and if you are among those who think that, all I can say to you, my woefully cynical friend, is …… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

Performance art: ‘My Week So Far’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 28, 2009

Photo credit: Jayna Blog? What blog? And how’s your week going?… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 17 Comments

Get real

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 20, 2009

Listen up, you mental patients: I didn’t really shove my kids into straight jackets straitjackets, duct-tape their mouths shut and slap chastity belts on my wife and myself. I would never, ever do such a thing … wear a chastity belt, I mean; I got a vasectomy years ago. Of course, I wouldn’t do the other stuff, either … in front of a camera. No, what you witnessed was the result of my mad Photoshop skillz … which I didn’t think would actually fool anybody; I thought you’d all just look at the picture and say, “Ha! That Jon and… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 24 Comments

Sorbet, anyone?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 19, 2009

When I was 10, my parents took my brother, sister and I on our first big vacation. We flew from Boston to California, where we rented a Mercury Zephyr and visited Disneyland. The Zephyr had power windows, which were relatively new to us; had my parents used the money they spent on the trip to instead buy a car with power windows, we’d have been equally entertained. In addition to visiting Disneyland, we also visited Universal Studios … where, sadly, the “Jaws” attraction was drained due to in-progress maintenance. (There are few things more pathetic than an enormous, fake, Great… [read the rest]

Also posted in General, Music | 13 Comments

Howzabout we just pretend I never said anything, and you can all crawl back into the sewer?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 16, 2009

Wow. Just … wow. I’ve gotten quite an education over the past couple of days about a controversy I never knew existed. There apparently are battle lines drawn out there. On one side are the Childfree (a single word, I’ve learned), and on the other side are the Childed (what most people refer to as “Parents,” and what the angry faction of the Childfree movement refers to as “Breeders”; they also refer to mothers as “Moos” and fathers as “Duhdees” … and, I swear to Christ, I’m not making this up). When I sat down to write my “So now… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 70 Comments

Because, much like FOX News, Daddy Scratches is Fair and Balanced (you know, except for the part where “Fair and Balanced” means “Loves to spread Right Wing propaganda and call it news”).

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 14, 2009

Well, then. So, it would appear that the whole child-free vs. having-children thing is what’s called a “hot-button topic,” as evidenced by the response to my previous blog entry. Now, just to clarify: my intention was not to point a big foam “Parents are #1!” finger in the face of every adult who decides to not have children and say “You suck and I rule!” It was to say to the couple of militantly anti-child folks who decided to use me as their mascot that they were missing the big picture. Obviously, given the nature of this blog, the majority… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 17 Comments

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 8, 2009

I know it’s been six days since I wrote a full-fledged blog entry, but if it makes you feel any better, I have desperately wanted to do so long before now, and my failure to do so has weighed upon me heavily during every waking hour of every one of those blogless days … which, seeing as how I never sleep, means I’ve suffered lots of self-imposed failure-to-blog guilt. As I mentioned last Thursday, however, Jayna came down with a cold, and the days since have been one big ball of sleepless, coughing, nose-blowing, snot-wiping goodness. Friday, I took a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 17 Comments

Hewlett Packard wants me to feel bad about myself

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 2, 2009

I’ve had the color-inkjet printer shown above for just under six years, and if six human years are equal to 42 dog years, then 42 dog years are equal to 750 computer-technology years … which means, technologically speaking, my printer is … hmmm … times seven, carry the two … um … a billion years old. (I always sucked at math.) Zan recently needed to bring to school a picture of his family, so I printed one out for him. Here’s what it looked like: Turns out I had pretty much run out of ink, so I ordered some replacement… [read the rest]

Also posted in Geek | 22 Comments

9/11

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 11, 2009

No one I knew or was related to died on that awful day, and I was neither in New York nor Washington D.C. when it happened; like most, I listened to it on the radio and watched it on TV. The people who experienced it firsthand, and the people who lost loved ones, are the people who have truly meaningful stories to tell about Sept. 11, 2001. Still, for eight years, I’ve always felt the need to write about it, both for myself, and for my children, so that, when they’re old enough, and if they care to, they can… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 29 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part IV

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 22, 2009

See that smile? That, brothers and sisters, is the smile of a man on vacation. A man whose children no longer are babies. A man who didn’t have to spend the first day of his aforementioned vacation driving for 14 sun-baked, traffic-jammed, sanity-shredding hours, and who didn’t have to turn around and do it all over again in reverse at the end of the week. And that man? That man is me. Hallelujah. (Dashing, aren’t I?) Yes, by breaking the trip into two segments, we were at the beach house by 2 o’clock in the afternoon … which, you might… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 26 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part III

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 18, 2009

With two previous Bethany Beach vacations under our collective belt, we had it down to a science this year. Firstly, that whole “driving from Boston to Delaware in one fell swoop” thing? Yeah, F that. My in-laws live in the Philly area, so we drive there and back several times per year. The kids have been making the trip since birth, so they’re used to it, and we have perfected its execution: We leave shortly after 6 o’clock at night, make a single stop to use the bathroom and refuel, and arrive around midnight. There’s no traffic, the kids sleep… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood | 13 Comments

Happy Birthday to me … sorta

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 16, 2009

Or, at least, Happy Birthday to my alter ego. Yes, it just dawned on me as I was sitting here trying unsuccessfully to concentrate on a big design project I so foolishly told the client would be done tomorrow (Whoops!) that it was exactly one year ago today when I officially launched this blog. God, the excitement that day was palpable. The whole Internet was abuzz with anticipation, and the moment at which the site went live was the digital equivalent of The Big Bang … as evidenced by the four comments that were left on that first lame-ass post… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Intermission

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 16, 2009

Part III is almost ready, but while you’re waiting, I had to share with you the culture shock we experienced yesterday when we went to our favorite local beach for the first time since returning from Delaware. This here is Bethany Beach, Delaware … which, as noted in “My Summer Vacation, Part I,” is positively delightful … and positively private:   And this here is Crane Beach, Massachusetts, which we generally love, but … A gentle reminder that our ability to enjoy the luxury of a private beach is predicated upon outside funding. Thank you, M-M and Pop-Pop.… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 4 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part I

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 10, 2009

Forty-eight weeks and five days; that’s how long it’ll be before The Scratches Family heads back to the beach house for our annual vacation. You know, not that I’m looking forward to it or anything. But instead of looking ahead to next year, let us back up a bit, for I am sure you all want to hear in agonizingly, excruciatingly, minutiae-filled detail about what has become a summer tradition for my family and me. First, let us tend to the setting. A good story needs a good setting, am I right? And ours takes place on … earth! OK,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Marriage, Parenthood | 8 Comments

This is where the witty headline would go if I had enough brainpower left to come up with one.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 29, 2009

Man, that previous entry was funny, wasn’t? All that whoopin’ it up about my underachieving iMac? Yessiree, comical stuff. Ha ha. Ho ho. Hee hee. Well, guess what? I’M NOT LAUGHIN’! Turns out my iMac is far more fucked than I originally thought. Like, unusably fucked. We’ve been home from vacation for two days, and I have spent almost every waking moment of those two days locked in a duel to the death with the iMac … and it almost won. Pinned me to the floor, battered me about the head and shoulders, poked me in the eyes and gave… [read the rest]

Also posted in Geek | 10 Comments

Pay no attention to the iMac that I just chucked out the window of a moving car on a busy superhighway during rush hour

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 16, 2009

Hey there! Remember me? Yeah, right: Jon, a.k.a. Daddy Scratches. Man, things were really going well around here; traffic to the website was going up, up, UP, the audience was growing, and I was basking in the glow of your patronage and praise. Great for my self-esteem and sense of purpose. So, of course, that had to be stopped. And thank GAWD The Universe finally stepped in and bitch-slapped me down a few notches, because I was beginning to fear I might be on to something BIG here, and what would I do with that kind of success? Pffft. My… [read the rest]

Also posted in Geek | 22 Comments

The 4th of July … which falls between the 3rd and the 5th of July

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 7, 2009

On the 3rd of July, I decided to upgrade the behind-the-scenes publishing system that powers this here blog (WordPress) … which would have been delightfully simple if not for the fact that: trying to reinstate in the upgraded publishing system all of the many customizations needed to make this place look oh-so bitchin’ was kind of like that whole needle-in-a-haystack thing—except that the haystack was the size of Mt. Everest, and the needle was imaginary. during the upgrade process, I accidentally overwrote most of the folder that, among other things, contains all of the plugins (what the layman would call… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 13 Comments

The one where I send you all into a deep depression

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 1, 2009

I tried. Really, I did. For the past hour or so, I sat here and tried to write one of my witty little entries. You know, one of those ones in which I piss and moan (in an oh-so-witty fashion) about my family’s maniacal schedule, or my children’s incessant cacophony of screaming/crying/whining/bickering, or the never-ending sleep deprivation my wife and I continue to endure, or whatever other parenting travesty has befallen us. Thing is, that only works when I’m really feeling it—and I’m not feeling it. I have read some things in the past couple of weeks that, at least… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Marriage, Parenthood | 44 Comments

M.I.A. in PA

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 29, 2009

As noted previously, my blogging activity has been greatly diminished these past few days due to our latest visit with the in-laws here in suburban Philadelphia, which included lots of chilling by the pool—or, as shown above, in the pool (my mom-in-law took that pic with her new Nikon D60, outfitted with a new zoom lens, and let’s just say that I now have camera envy)—as well as kickin’ it with the beasts at the Philadelphia zoo. And here we are, 5:15 p.m. on Monday. I now have 45 minutes to stow in the attic all of the toys and… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 11 Comments

So there I was, a lone drop of testosterone floating in a sea of estrogen …

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 15, 2009

Here’s how I know that I’m really gung-ho about this whole blogging thing (you know, aside from the fact that I have essentially given up sleep in order to maintain this site): On Saturday, Wonder Woman, the Wonder Twins and I drove 30 miles to the house of a woman I’d never met in order to hang out with her and a bunch of other women I’d never met, and their families. To say that doing such a thing is out of character for me would be to redefine the term “understatement.” So why, pray tell, did I do this?… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Marriage, Writing | 19 Comments

For Sale

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 9, 2009

For Sale Two children. Boy, 5; girl, 3. Both housebroken. Girl doesn’t eat much. Buyer must be willing to: – forgo sleep for the next two decades. – give up most personal interests/hobbies. – surrender all free time. – spend inordinate amounts of money on useless trinkets. – fight regularly with partner/spouse/co-parent due to conflicting parenting styles. – accept that Halley’s Comet will appear more frequently than sex. – have inane, repetitive, spectacularly annoying children’s songs playing on an endless loop in his/her head. – watch his/her marriage morph into something more akin to co-managing a combined Chuck E. Cheese/toy… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 33 Comments

Totally Tweaked-Out Tuesday, Part 2

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 30, 2009

OK, so where were we? Oh yeah: Wonder Woman and I had just reached what should have been the finish line of yet another marathon Tuesday, but instead of putting the kids to bed, collapsing in a heap on the couch and slipping into a low-grade coma, we had to shift it into high gear and morph into Rock-’n’-Roll Mommy and Daddy. Remember my friend Kevin Dugan who works with Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony? Well, as mentioned in a recent Photo of the Day, Sammy and Michael have teamed up with Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith and… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Music | 10 Comments

Totally Tweaked-Out Tuesday, Part 1

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 27, 2009

I know we’ve already discussed how crazy Tuesdays are over here at Casa de Scratches (more than once, in fact), but holy halmalagueña, yesterday was epic. First, we … wait, I can’t even remember. It all started about 40 hours ago, but as I try to recall the first few of those hours right now, it feels like I’m attempting to dredge something up from the mid-’70s. Oh yeah, that’s right: Wonder Woman took Zan to school, and I played with Jayna for a bit until it came time for me to chauffeur her to preschool—which, I must confess, has… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 12 Comments

Smooth Like Your Mother

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 11, 2009

That was the name of a band in which a college classmate of mine played … which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this post, except that it’s almost midnight and I’m falling asleep where I sit and I couldn’t think of a remotely witty title with the word “Mother” in it, so I went with what you see above. Moving on … In May of 2003, when Wonder Woman was out to HERE with our first child, and we were knee-deep in maniacally idyllic visions of a swaddled cherub nursing effortlessly and sleeping soundly for 12-to-14 hours-per-day, we… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Marriage, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

Get pumped … or something

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 8, 2009

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post, but I had to put something new up here to push that “Wolverine” photo down the page, because every time I load the site, that image keeps mocking me, and taunting me, and reminding me that I haven’t been working out nearly enough at all. Hey, I could really look like that if I wanted to. Easily, dude. Hell, the way I see it, I’m about 10 pushups away from being Hugh Jackman’s body double. Seriously, you crop his head outta this picture, and everyone I know would be all,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration | 9 Comments

Cradle robber

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 30, 2009

I have a confession to make: I was involved with a younger woman these past few months. No, it’s true: I’m 39 … and this little chippy of whom I speak, she was only—brace yourselves—38. That’s right: full-on Lolita action, baby. But, as of today, well … I’m now hooking up with someone a bit more age-appropriate. Happy Birthday, Wonder Woman. I love you.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 17 Comments

A week between entries? Way to keep people interested, dummy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 23, 2009

Jesus Christ, can somebody open some windows in here? Talk about stuffy. Place smells like a morgue. Whew. Sorry ’bout that. So, yes, I’m back from my weeklong semi-hiatus, and much love to you the faithful who have continued to return, day in, day out, to see if I’ve gotten off my ass and written something for you, only to find that I sucked, and hadn’t. (Which reminds me: Hi! Have you met my sort-of-daily Photo of the Day-ish feature? It usually comprises not only a breathtaking piece of photographic brilliance, but also some elegant, witty and wonderful prose relating… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | 15 Comments

Driving me crazy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 16, 2009

It’s time for one of our periodic drives to Philadelphia for a stay with the in-laws. (And before you get all “Oy, vey, the in-laws!,” let me just say that I actually enjoy visiting my in-laws. I know, right?) We’re scheduled to depart at around 6 p.m. today. The thing about driving to Philadelphia is that we actually have to drive to Philadelphia … and a 700-mile roundtrip adventure sort of demands a safe and reliable automobile. The thing is, keeping a 12-year-old Honda CR-V with 35 bazillion miles on it safe and reliable is becoming more and more of… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 17 Comments

Wall of shame

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 8, 2009

Oh, Scott. Things were going so well. So well indeed. You see, Scott, I am a major control freak … but, unfortunately, I am neither qualified nor equipped to install Verizon FiOS. Thus, I begrudgingly had to relinquish control and allow you to have free reign around the inside and outside of my house today. Don’t take it personally, Scott; I get twitchy and anxious when anyone is doing any work of any kind on my home. I always worry that the person performing the work is going to accidentally fuck something up and leave me with a new problem… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 20 Comments

Play ball (maybe)!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 6, 2009

And now the baseball talk shall commence … and because I have a gazillion female readers and, like, two male readers, I am hopeful that there are lots and lots of ladies out there who enjoy the game, for, if not, I fear that, in the weeks and months ahead, the traffic to this here blog is going to dry up and blow away like a tumbleweed. Big day over here at Casa de Scratches. BIG. MUY GRANDE (possibly). It’s opening day for the Red Sox (perhaps) … which is a big deal to us ’round these parts. We loves… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Red Sox, Zan | 17 Comments

Berated by Bono

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 12, 2009

Um, well, actually, Mr. Bono, now that you mention it … (Sorry, kids. You’ll get the story, but not tonight. Aiming for tomorrow.) (Also, FYI: This kind of unfortunate incident can be avoided in the future if one of you would like to make an enormous donation to the “Help Daddy Scratches Quit His Day Job” fund. I’m just sayin’ …)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Music, Parenthood | 5 Comments

An even bigger prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 7, 2009

“Are you going to write about it?” she asked me from across the table while we were eating lunch yesterday. “I don’t think I really want to,” I said. “I mean, it’s just a little too moronic, dontcha think?” She paused for a moment, presumably because she knew I’d arrive there on my own. “I guess I kinda have to, don’t I?” I asked. “I think so,” she answered. So here I go. Thursday night, there was a book fair at Zan’s school, and since Jayna had already morphed into a screaming, crying, porcupine-badger-Tasmanian-Devil-electric-eel type of thing by the hour… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 13 Comments

Does anyone have Heat Miser’s phone number?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 2, 2009

That was the view out my front window just a short while ago (as was this). Jack Frost forwent the can and instead opened up a whole keg of whoop-ass on us, to the tune of about 15 inches—which, coupled with the 20-to-30-mile-per-hour winds, has created some spectacularly large snow drifts … many of which have piled up in the most inconvenient of places. Like against the back door, for example. I might have to go out a window. And, as if the specter of a two-hour shoveling session wasn’t joy-inducing enough, my job-related duties for today got unexpectedly more… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 18 Comments

Breakin’ the Law, Breakin’ the Law (Hey, I’ve had it stuck in my head all day now, so I thought you might as well, too.)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 25, 2009

As previously documented, Tuesday is the day of the week on which being a member of The Scratches Family is akin to being a frozen fruit of some sort—let’s go with “strawberry,” shall we?—yes, it’s akin to being a frozen strawberry thrown in a blender with some other frozen strawberries and frozen blueberries and a fresh banana and some protein powder and soy milk and, hey, that reminds me, I keep meaning to start making a smoothie each day to help me get the nutrition I need in order to keep up with my exercise regimen. Of course, I keep… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | 13 Comments

Maybe if I don’t think about it, it won’t hurt as much. OUCH!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 23, 2009

That, uh, shoulder injury from last Sunday’s snowboarding excursion? It has me a bit perplexed. I’ve suffered a number of other injuries over the course of my 39 years here on planet earth, and they usually work like this: Injury-causing event occurs. Injury hurts. A lot. I cry like a little girl. I whine and complain and carry on like it’s the end of the world. Pain continues for several days (or, if I really goofed, weeks). My whining and complaining raises to new heights the bar for how unnecessarily dramatic and annoying a mildly injured person can be. Pain… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | 10 Comments

It’s all downhill from here

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 13, 2009

Hello, my peeps. It’s been an eventful day, and is sure to be an eventful weekend. I’m currently writing on the Macbook here in the middle of a room full of family members, all of whom are staying at this here house in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, which my Mom rented for the long weekend. (Check out today’s Photo of the Day for the view off the back deck.) Point being: I’d love to regale you right now with one of my gut-busting, side-splitting, knee-slapping, 25,000-word epics, but I am about two minutes away from being branded an… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 7 Comments

A barrel of laughs

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 10, 2009

[WARNING: Contains profanity ... as does most of this blog ... but it occurred to me after linking to this entry from an entry on The Pioneer Woman's far more wholesome site that some of her audience might come over and have a heart attack when they unwittingly stumbled into a big pile of "F" bombs ... so, now that you've been warned, any cardiac issues that might result from reading the following are on you.] About a million years ago, I mentioned some trouble we were having with raccoons getting into our trash barrels. Months later, my barrel nightmare… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | 35 Comments

Ugh. Ow. Ick.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 8, 2009

Over the past few days, I have started three separate blog entries about three wildly varying subjects (and don’t even get me started about my sudden bout of writer’s block), all of which I plan to complete and post—as long as I don’t die first. Which means you might never get to read them … because I fear that the Grim Reaper lurks close by, and might just take me at any moment. Tonight, even. Why? Because I went running today for the first time since, like, last October. (And I am taking tremendous poetic license in using the term… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

Here we snow again

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 30, 2009

Is everyone tired of hearing me bitch about winter yet? Yeah? Well, you’re not nearly as tired of hearing me bitch about it as I am tired of having it to bitch about. The latest storm happened Wednesday, and it was just too awesome for words. First, it snowed and snowed and snowed, and then it snowed some more, so school was canceled, and Mommy taking the kids out of the house for a few hours was canceled, and Daddy’s ability to string together two coherent thoughts was canceled, because, oh, sweet Jesus, The Screaming! The Screaming started early, and… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 11 Comments

Attention beer drinkers

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 10, 2009

The following is a Public Service Announcement from Daddy Scratches: Beware of Wachusett Brewing Company’s Green Monsta Ale! Why? Whaddya mean ‘why’? Because I said so, that’s why. Who are you, my kids? Jesus. Oh, wait, the “I said so” thing never works with them either. OK, here’s the explanation: Last Saturday night, a most rare occurrence took place: Wonder Woman and I went out. And not only did we go out, but we went out to dinner and a party. So let’s start the tally: I had two—count ’em, two—drinks with dinner. This is nothing unusual. (Well, actually, being… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 15 Comments

I have been to the mountaintop!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 8, 2009

Oh, the baggage. [sigh] The baggage, the baggage. The heavy baggage. It weighs upon me. Heavily. The baggage, it does. Occasionally, however, there comes a way to shed some of that oh-so-heavy baggage … and because one of those ways recently presented itself to me, I feel I should share it with you. It’s called: The Delete Button. Let me show you how it works: Say your father comes over to pick up your 5-year-old son for a pre-arranged sleepover your son cajoled your father and his wife into hosting, and your father is all stressed out because he thought… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 8 Comments

I considered titling this entry ‘You Light Up My Life,’ but that is just far, far too cheesy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 15, 2008

So, as I mentioned, I spent some time stringing the house up with Christmas lights on Friday … and I think it turned out pretty well. But that’s not what this is a picture of. A while back, we made plans to go yesterday on a Christmas-light-viewing excursion with my family. The plan went like this: My brother would pick up from the car-rental place a 9-passenger van. He, his girlfriend, my sister, her husband and my mom would arrive at our house to pick us up at 3:15 p.m. We would all drive around together and make merry while… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 2 Comments

Time to vacate

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 19, 2008

Oh, the post I was going to write prior to leaving on our vacation. It was going to be, quite simply, epic. You would have laughed, cried and thanked God above for the day you found my site. Instead, you get this little note. Because it’s 10:30. And I’ve been up since 5:30. And we have to get up at 4:30 so that we can get outta here before Zan wakes up and calls on all of the demons from the Ninth Circle of Hell to stop us. I’ll post some Twitter updates from the road (those are the “Daddy’s… [read the rest]

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Because just getting stuff done isn’t difficult enough

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2008

What I want to say: “Zan, we’re going to go run a couple of errands and get our hair cut, OK,pal?” What I want to hear: “OK, Daddy.” BUT … when I say what I want to say, what I hear is: “NOOOOoOooOOoOoOoOooooo Daddyyyyyy!!!!!!” AND … after I say what I want to say, and hear what I don’t want to hear, I say: “Yes, we are.” A vigorous protest ensues, and Wonder Woman tells me that I’m going about it all wrong, because we have to approach things with our Explosive Child in a different manner than we would… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 8 Comments

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me an almost-40-year-old man who gets into Halloween way too much

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 4, 2008

I shall now regale you with the tale of “The Man Who Loved Halloween (Perhaps A Bit Too Much).” I, quite simply, lose my mind on Halloween — particularly since the arrival in my life six years ago of Mr. Bones. Mr. Bones is a 4-foot tall skeleton who sports a black grim-reaper cloak, and who has in the back of his skull an electrical input and a microphone input. When one speaks into the microphone, one’s voice is broadcast from a speaker hidden beneath Mr. Bones’ cloak while his jaw moves in sync with the dialogue and his eyes… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 7 Comments

I do

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 9, 2008

Fifteen years ago this weekend, I went to a party thrown by a childhood friend of mine and, while there, struck up a conversation with this cute hippie chick in a black sweater and a flowery, ankle-length skirt, who, it turned out, had gone to college with my childhood friend. When I first saw her, she was sitting at a table by herself, and looked rather gypsy-like, so, being the suave, debonair guy I am, I decided to dazzle her with my razor-sharp wit. “Are you the palm reader?” I asked her. (Good stuff, right?) “Actually, I am learning to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 14 Comments

I actually quoted Dokken in my yearbook. Dokken. What a tool.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 3, 2008

My 20-year high-school reunion is coming up next month, and I simply can’t suppress the urge to say “Whoopdeefreakindoo!” I keep waiting to feel bubbling up within me some desire to attend this event, but, so far, when I imagine waking up on the Sunday morning after it takes place, I have no premonition of regret about having skipped it. See, here’s the thing: I hated high school. When adults would say, “Enjoy it! These are the best years of your life!,” I could only assume that life was really gonna suck after graduation. (I am very happy to report… [read the rest]

Also posted in Embarrassing | 12 Comments

Get out your violin

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 23, 2008

You know what would be great? It would be great if someone could help me get the steel-toe-boot-wearing month of September to stop repeatedly kicking me in the balls with all of its might. Anyone? We knew this was going to be a difficult month … a “transitional” month, if you will. Zan started kindergarten (which he still loves, thank god), and Jayna started preschool (which she doesn’t still love, dear god), and both have to spend a few hours per week in daycare. In other words, we have all of the necessary ingredients for a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

Finding the line

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 18, 2008

Q: When I came here last time, there was this great post about how someone had made to you a couple of wildly inappropriate, anti-gay comments. In the post of which I speak, you dissected those comments in such a brilliant, witty and hilarious fashion, I simultaneously was doubled over with laughter and achieved enlightenment. I came back here so that I could get the link and send it to all my friends and family (especially the homophobic ones), but I can’t find it. Where’d it go?* A: A byproduct of the post to which you are referring is that… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 7 Comments

Example of why I have learned to mostly quit while I’m ahead

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 12, 2008

Me to Wonder Woman after running outside and catching her before she backs out of the driveway so that I can hand to her the cellphone she left on the kitchen counter—the one that I can never reach her on: “Please keep this on you.” “I do.” “Apparently not.” “Yes, I do. That’s why it was inside.” “Huh?” “I said I do keep it on me; that’s why it was inside.” “Wait: ‘Please keep your cellphone on you,’ ‘I do; that’s why itwasn’t on me’ …?” “Yep.” [pleasant smile] “… wha …?” “I kept it on me when I came… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 3 Comments

Voted Most Likely to Succeed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 10, 2008

Second children really get the shaft. I mean, the week before last, it was “All Zan, All the Time,” in recognition of his first day of kindergarten. And Jayna’s first day of preschool? Well, that was yesterday … and, while it was definitely an exciting and monumental occasion, it was not unprecedented; she was going off to the same preschool that Zan had attended the previous two school years, and we—and she—already knew the teachers, already knew the building, and already knew the drop-off and pick-up routine, so there really wasn’t the same sense of releasing her into the wild… [read the rest]

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Episode VII: Battle for the Bed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 8, 2008

It seemed like a simple enough thing: because he’s growing so fast, Zan’s fire-engine bed was well on its way to becoming Zan’s mini-barstool, so we needed to get him an actual twin bed. There were some constraints, however—the first of which was that it needed to be physically low enough to fit into the corner of his room, and the second of which was that it needed to be financially low enough to fit into our meager budget. Enter Ikea. Wonder Woman scoured their site and found a bed that satisfied both requirements. However, when we got to the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 4 Comments

Loony ’toons

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 24, 2008

Last week, while reading dooce, I happened upon a cartoon Heather made of herself at FaceYourManga.com. I gave it a hurried whirl, but wasn’t too thrilled with the results. Zan wanted to do up the whole family today, so he and I put these together. Gave me a chance to refine my cartoon self, the previous version of which looked more like a 16-year-old Japanimation hero than an almost-40 dad.… [read the rest]

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I also pay a guy to fix my car

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 20, 2008

Four years ago this month, Wonder Woman and I closed on our house and joined the ranks of the “homeowners” (a misnomer if ever there was one, because, I assure you, we so don’t own this house; Countrywide Mortgage owns not only this house, but, thanks to the plummeting real estate prices of the past several years, everything in it … but I digress). At the end of our first winter here, it became apparent to us that the previous owners, in order to make the house they were selling look pretty for the least possible cost, slapped a coat… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 8 Comments

Subject: No cellphone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2008

To: [Lots of people] Hi, this is Jon. I can’t get to the phone right now because it shattered into a million pieces on Interstate 95 early last evening. Its pieces are intermingled with those of the six-hour-old BlackBerry Curve that I received from my employer yesterday. I left both on the roof of my car while transporting my family from point A to point B. Total estimated retail value: $700. If you need to reach me, please call me on my home phone … which I probably won’t answer, because I’m busy throwing up. Thanks.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery | Leave a comment

37

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 18, 2007

OK, seriously: whose ass do I have to kick for speeding up time to the point that a year now passes in the span of what seems like a few weeks? Because I’m really not digging it. Last year, I wrote that I felt like 40 was coming over the horizon too quickly for my liking. It’s looming a lot larger now (though, I must say, turning 36 was more of a shock to my system; passing the halfway point of my 30s rattled my cage). I have found that reframing reality to my own specifications often makes me feel… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Music | 3 Comments

Happy New Year to you, and
Happy Anniversary to daddyscratches.com

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 1, 2007

I really can’t believe it’s already been a year since I launched this puppy. It truly feels like it was just a few days ago. This has, by far, been the fastest year of my life … and it seems they’re only speeding up with the passing of each one. My level of busyness has clearly impacted the volume of posts in recent months … but, hey, as a body of work, this site is 55 posts more than I would have written had I not launched it to begin with … so I’m going to focus on the 5,500%… [read the rest]

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A hiatus of biblical proportion

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 31, 2006

Hi. Remember me? Let’s catch up, shall we? Flood: You know how sometimes during your average, run-of-the-mill rainstorm, there’s a sudden-but-brief burst of torrential, sheet-of-water, holy-mackerel-it’s-really-coming-down-out-there rain that makes you stop and take notice until it passes? Yeah, well, that happened here the week before last … except, instead of passing after only a few seconds or minutes, it came down with that same degree of sustained ferocity for five days. The psychotic amount of rain that fell resulted in the worst flooding the region has seen in 70 years. One family we know ended up with so much water… [read the rest]

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Canyons and cupcakes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 7, 2006

Six years ago, while living in Arizona, Wonder Woman and I celebrated her 30th birthday with a trip to the Grand Canyon. We camped out near the South Rim on Friday night, got up early Saturday morning, consumed roughly 25 million grams of carbohydrates and tackled a 12-mile roundtrip hike down Bright Angel Trail and back. That picture up there shows us at the 6-mile mark, a scenic stop known as Plateau Point, which is as far as you’re supposed to go if you’re not spending the night in the canyon. So, there we were. We had reached our destination.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 1 Comment

How I love thee, frozen peas

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 3, 2006

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 20 Comments

A bit south of SXSW

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 16, 2006

Every year, my co-workers and I mosey on down to Austin, Texas, for the annual South by Southwest music conference—or SXSW, as it is known to we the hip. Believe it or not, Austin is one of my all-time favorite cities. I say “Believe it or not” because, as mentioned previously, Austin is in Texas. I get twitchy when I’m too far outside of Boston, New York or Philly, but to take me out of dark blue Massachusetts—which, I am happy to report, is considered by some to be the most liberal state in the union—and drop me in bright… [read the rest]

Also posted in Music | Leave a comment

Subject: Sarah’s gone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 7, 2006

Last fall, my friend Dave called me from his car and asked if I could give him directions to the hospital. He was headed there to meet his wife, Sarah, who had gone there to find out why her stomach hurt. We joked a bit, and then hung up. I assumed it wouldn’t be anything serious. I was wrong. The diagnosis was cancer. Doctors removed the tumor, but it had spread, so chemotherapy treatment was necessary. In the weeks and months that followed, Dave sent to a group of his friends and family regular email updates about Sarah’s condition. She… [read the rest]

Posted in Life | 2 Comments

Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 14, 2006

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Marriage | 2 Comments

The Perfect Storm

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 9, 2006

As I gazed out the window today and took stock of my sunlit and snow-free backyard, I thought to myself, “By golly, what a mild winter we’re having. Just look at my backyard. It’s sunlit and snow-free.” Within hours, I saw this: Oh goody. It would appear that Jack Frost is about to lodge his boot firmly in the East Coast’s collective ass.… [read the rest]

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Remember me?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 1, 2006

Q: Where the heck have you been for the past two weeks? You turned 36, and then fell off the face of the earth. What gives? A: Let me explain: The Universe did not respect my request to be spared the vomit bug that had previously felled my wife and son. I puked only once, but with enough ferocity and volume that I was certain my feet were going to come out of my mouth. The layer of dust blanketing everything in my office had become so deep that I could barely open the door, and the dumping station that… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, TV | Leave a comment

36

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 17, 2006

I know it’s just a number, but I must admit, it’s the first birthday I’ve had that has made me feel old. I’m just getting comfortable with this whole 30-something concept, and, suddenly, most of my 30-somethings are behind me. Now I feel like I’m careening down a hill, at the bottom of which I will soon smash head first into 40. I don’t feel almost-40. By almost-40, I figured I’d be rich and famous—or, barring that, at least not have to bite my fingernails to the quick when it comes time to pay the monthly bills and live in… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family | Leave a comment