Category Archives: Life

A barrel of laughs

[WARNING: Contains profanity … as does most of this blog … but it occurred to me after linking to this entry from an entry on The Pioneer Woman’s far more wholesome site that some of her audience might come over and have a heart attack when they unwittingly stumbled into a big pile of “F” bombs … so, now that you’ve been warned, any cardiac issues that might result from reading the following are on you.] About a million years ago, I mentioned some trouble we were having with raccoons getting into our trash barrels. Months later, my barrel nightmare… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery | 35 Responses

Attention beer drinkers

The following is a Public Service Announcement from Daddy Scratches: Beware of Wachusett Brewing Company’s Green Monsta Ale! Why? Whaddya mean ‘why’? Because I said so, that’s why. Who are you, my kids? Jesus. Oh, wait, the “I said so” thing never works with them either. OK, here’s the explanation: Last Saturday night, a most rare occurrence took place: Wonder Woman and I went out. And not only did we go out, but we went out to dinner and a party. So let’s start the tally: I had two—count ’em, two—drinks with dinner. This is nothing unusual. (Well, actually, being… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 15 Responses

I have been to the mountaintop!

Oh, the baggage. [sigh] The baggage, the baggage. The heavy baggage. It weighs upon me. Heavily. The baggage, it does. Occasionally, however, there comes a way to shed some of that oh-so-heavy baggage … and because one of those ways recently presented itself to me, I feel I should share it with you. It’s called: The Delete Button. Let me show you how it works: Say your father comes over to pick up your 5-year-old son for a pre-arranged sleepover your son cajoled your father and his wife into hosting, and your father is all stressed out because he thought… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 8 Responses

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me an almost-40-year-old man who gets into Halloween way too much

I shall now regale you with the tale of “The Man Who Loved Halloween (Perhaps A Bit Too Much).” I, quite simply, lose my fucking mind on Halloween — particularly since the arrival in my life six years ago of Mr. Bones. Mr. Bones is a 4-foot tall skeleton who sports a black grim-reaper cloak, and who has in the back of his skull an electrical input and a microphone input. When one speaks into the microphone, one’s voice is broadcast from a speaker hidden beneath Mr. Bones’ cloak while his jaw moves in sync with the dialogue and his… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 8 Responses

I actually quoted Dokken in my yearbook. Dokken. What a tool.

My 20-year high-school reunion is coming up next month, and I simply can’t suppress the urge to say “Whoopdeefreakindoo!” I keep waiting to feel bubbling up within me some desire to attend this event, but, so far, when I imagine waking up on the Sunday morning after it takes place, I have no premonition of regret about having skipped it. See, here’s the thing: I hated high school. When adults would say, “Enjoy it! These are the best years of your life!,” I could only assume that life was really gonna suck after graduation. (I am very happy to report… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Embarrassing | 12 Responses