Category Archives: Life

How I love thee, frozen peas

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 22 Responses

Subject: Sarah’s gone

Last fall, my friend Dave called me from his car and asked if I could give him directions to the hospital. He was headed there to meet his wife, Sarah, who had gone there to find out why her stomach hurt. We joked a bit, and then hung up. I assumed it wouldn’t be anything serious. I was wrong. The diagnosis was cancer. Doctors removed the tumor, but it had spread, so chemotherapy treatment was necessary. In the weeks and months that followed, Dave sent to a group of his friends and family regular email updates about Sarah’s condition. She… [read the rest]

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Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Marriage | 2 Responses

Remember me?

Q: Where the heck have you been for the past two weeks? You turned 36, and then fell off the face of the earth. What gives? A: Let me explain: The Universe did not respect my request to be spared the vomit bug that had previously felled my wife and son. I puked only once, but with enough ferocity and volume that I was certain my feet were going to come out of my mouth. The layer of dust blanketing everything in my office had become so deep that I could barely open the door, and the dumping station that… [read the rest]

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