Category Archives: Life

45

This again? Seriously? Didn’t we just do this? Well, that number sure isn’t getting any smaller, now, is it? The good news is, I’m not freaking out … you know, like I did when I turned 40. Quite the contrary, in fact. I’ve taken stock of things and I’m OK with 45. Is my day job something I’m thrilled with? No, but I’ve reconciled myself with it. It’s a good fit for my family at this point in our lives. It’s a decent paycheck, it provides us with health insurance, it’s an easy gig, nice environment, the hours are very… [read the rest]

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Also posted in My Birthday, Private | 7 Responses

I’ve narrowly cheated death yet again

Re-posting this oldie-but-goodie in anticipation of an epic follow-up that will see my hypochondria reach new heights. And with any luck, I’ll write it before the sun burns out and we all freeze to death. There are many downsides to being a hypochondriac … but it does have its benefits. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I headed to my doctor’s office for the third time in about two weeks … which, for me, is unfuckingprecedented, since my immune system is basically on par with Wolverine’s. And yet, despite my mutant healing powers, I’ve had a persistent cough for, like, a… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | Tagged | 38 Responses

I’m basically replacing Howard Stern … except for the “replacing Howard Stern” part.

Testing, testing … one, two … mic check … is this thing on? It is? OK, good. HEY NOW! Listen, you might find this hard to believe, but things went so well for me at Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash that Howard himself gave me a job. In fact, he said he’s grooming me to take over the show after he retires. My first move? Fire Benjy. Of course, the reason you might find that hard to believe is that it’s, well, total bullshit. Completely made up. Nothing more than a figment of my imagination. HOWEVER … I did get to… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Howard Stern | Tagged | 2 Responses

The Week in Review: January 24, 2014 … a collection of bitching and moaning misleadingly presented as though it were part of an ongoing weekly feature that doesn’t really exist

As previously reported, I had a lovely birthday last Friday … and I am both glad and thankful for the memory of that day, because I’ve not had a particularly good one since. Over the weekend, I … Christ, I don’t even remember. I know it largely involved trying (and, ultimately, failing in epic fashion) to not lose my shit all over my eight-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who for the past two weeks has slipped into a horrifically disconcerting, anxiety-induced regression back to age three … complete with nonstop, inconsolable crying and “No!”-ing and grunting and, most disturbingly, endless amounts of high-pitched,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Cubicle, Howard Stern, Winter | 8 Responses

I’m goin’ back to Cali

Comin’ atcha live from 35,000 feet, it’s the Scratches Family Vacation. Next stop: Los Angeles. So here’s the deal: My brother calls us last December and tells us he’s getting married. Woohoo! In August, while the kids are out of school. Nice! In California. Ouch! Yeah, a cross-country trip for a family of four wasn’t exactly in our budget this year. Or any year, for that matter. Partly because we don’t actually have a budget … but mostly because we don’t have any, you know, money. But, OK, so we’re headed to California. And, hey, since we’re gonna be in… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Parenthood | 6 Responses