Category Archives: Life

‘I almost puked at work today’ … or, ‘The anxiety attack that launched my writing career.’ One of those.

Something awesome happened this morning: I was pulling into the parking lot at my place of work, and as I did so, I spontaneously blurted out loud to no one but myself the name of the completely uninteresting, uninspiring, unexciting-to-me-in-any-way-whatsoever company for which I work … and this verbal reminder of just what it is I’ve ended up doing with my life caused me first to erupt into a sort of crazy-person laugh, and then to literally dry heave a couple of times. For a moment, I was fairly sure I was going to have to lean out of my… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Cubicle, Writing | 49 Responses

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

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One of the many adorable puppies that we will not be getting.
Also posted in Parenthood | Tagged | 48 Responses

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Parenthood | 6 Responses

Proof that Pixar should have hired me to draw Lightning McQueen

This is me standing next to the Lamborghini that I happened upon while in Philadelphia this past weekend. As you can see, I had my camera with me … which was fortuitous, as it allowed me to capture a fabulous photograph of this kick-ass automobile. And I had fully intended to show you that photograph. However, despite going out of my way last night to make sure that I would be able to access from my work computer today the photograph in question, the Internet has chosen to instead flip me the digital bird. (I’m flipping the Internet the digital… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 13 Responses

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to Wonder Woman after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads. “What?” “Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.” “Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.” Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my fucking mouth. Listen, when my mother-in-law sprung for us to attend an expensive benefit dinner at a luxury apartment in the ritziest section of Philadelphia for a meal prepared by the chef of a well-known Italian restaurant, I… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 28 Responses