Category Archives: Life

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to Wonder Woman after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads. “What?” “Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.” “Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.” Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my fucking mouth. Listen, when my mother-in-law sprung for us to attend an expensive benefit dinner at a luxury apartment in the ritziest section of Philadelphia for a meal prepared by the chef of a well-known Italian restaurant, I… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 28 Responses

Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you

When I was a little boy, and thunder rumbled in the distance, my mother would react as though the approaching storm was an Afghani mortar attack instead of a minor weather event. Because of this, I spent much of my childhood reacting to thunderstorms in a similarly panicked fashion. When my mother was a little girl, and thunder rumbled in the distance, her parents presumably reacted calmly … until that one time when the electricity went out during a storm, and they sent her to get from her upstairs bedroom something to play with, and she opened the door at… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna | 14 Responses

Surviving The Matrix: Year One

A year ago today, I left my new house with a bag lunch in my hand, dorktastic clothes on my body, 10-year-old dress shoes on my feet and a massive knot in my stomach. After years of building a career on my own terms, I was, at age 40, taking an unwanted but necessary detour into Corporate America, where I would earn a living as a sunlight-deprived, business-casual-wearing, cubicle-dwelling web developer. It’s not easy to pretend you’re Mr. Anderson when you know you’re really Neo. It took a while before I stopped having anxiety attacks at my new job —… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Cubicle | 19 Responses

I’m not really as desperate and pathetic as my previous post suggests. Please believe me. I’m begging you. (Which, I admit, is both desperate and pathetic. Go figure.)

One of my regular readers left a comment on my previous post, the one in which I (half-)jokingly lamented my failure (thus far) to reach blogging superstardom … and I was going to reply to her in the “Comments” section of that post until it occurred to me that she probably wasn’t the only reader thinking what she was thinking. And so, because I am a selfless giver who always tries to serve the Greater Good, I shall address her remarks here for all of you. Allyssa writes: I’m a long-time reader (found you from a comment on dooce’s website)… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Writing | 13 Responses

Oh, good: I’m not the only wanna-be-Internet-famous daddy blogger wallowing in obscurity while sucking down a tall glass of dashed hopes mixed with a paralyzing fear of failure

Sometimes, dreams come true … and all of the twists and turns in the road suddenly make sense … and all of your hard work finally gets you where you want to be … and all of your obsessive dedication to a seemingly fruitless quest is vindicated. Or so I’m told. And sometimes? Sometimes you have to settle for finding comfort in the fact that you’re not the only guy to have dreamed your particular dream, and that another guy with the same dream is standing beside you outside the fence, looking through the bars, both of you watching your… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Writing | 36 Responses