Category Archives: Marriage

I married this amazing woman 13 years ago … and, believe it or not, she’s STILL HERE!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 9, 2011
I married this amazing woman 13 years ago ... and, believe it or not, she's STILL HERE!
Click the image above to view full-size photo.

Thirteen years ago right now, Wonder Woman and I were… [read the rest]

Also posted in Featured Photo | 20 Comments

After narrowly avoiding disaster, our bumbling hero and his lovely bride arrived in Mexico. Debauchery ensued.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 10, 2011

You can relax now. The passport fiasco is behind us. I know, I know … it was stressful and inexcusable and I promise you that the next time I travel abroad I will staple my passport to my chest, OK? Better? Now then … Have you ever been to Mexico? And I’m not talking about, like, Tijuana; I’m talking about this Mexico: That was the view Wonder Woman and I enjoyed during the four days we spent lounging in luxurious lounge chairs by the luxurious negative-edge pool overlooking the luxurious beach at our luxury resort, which was luxuriously devoid of… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 19 Comments

That trip to Mexico I keep meaning to tell you about, which almost didn’t happen because of my unrivaled ability to be a complete and utter moron

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 7, 2011

About two hours into our flight from Philadelphia to Cancun, I discovered that I had committed The Biggest Fuck-Up of All Time … like, to the extent that I knew it would be best for my marriage if I just went ahead and threw myself out of the aircraft. Which was a shame, really … because everything had been going so well. The kids were sound asleep at my in-laws’ house when Wonder Woman and I slipped out into the chilly, predawn darkness and drove to the airport. Once there, we breezed through check-in and cruised through security without being… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Life | 33 Comments

We were young and fit and healthy and childless (and young) and full of energy and disposable time and discretionary income … and mostly took it for granted. *sigh*

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 28, 2011

Us, circa 1999: Us, circa 2010: Wonder Woman is headed to the hairdresser today, and she asked me for some input about what to do with her locks. I recalled the 1999 photo up top there as being one in which her hair looked particularly lovely, so I dug it out. Wow. And now, I will spend the rest of the day hearing Mick Jagger’s voice in my head singing, “What a drag it is getting oooold.” (So old, in fact, that I’m wondering if you whippersnappers even know who Mick Jagger is.) Actually, I have occasionally gone on Facebook… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 33 Comments

Happy Birthday, Baby

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 30, 2010

Yes, yes, I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the tale of our dream vacation in Mexico, but you’ll have to wait just a short while longer, for today is a momentous occasion. No longer am I a 40-year-old man getting it on with a 30-something MILF. As of today, I’m shacking up with a woman my own age. So here’s to you, my lovely bride, and to the decade ahead. We certainly got things off to a good start. P.S.: Just remember that I’m the only one around here who’s allowed to have a mid-life crisis; if… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 15 Comments

The one where I justify spending a ton of money we don’t have, because it’s all in the name of LOVE, people

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2010

Oh, the stress. The stress, I tell you. It’s very stressful, the stress, it is. And I regret to inform you that the biggest source of my stress right now stems from a subject that currently is embargoed, so I can not yet speak of it here, but suffice to say that the stressor in question? It’s particularly stressful … stressfully so, in fact. And when the embargo is lifted, there very well may be an absolutely riveting (to me, anyway) saga unfolding in these here pages. But, alas, that will have to wait for now. Meanwhile, there’s the rest… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 28 Comments

40

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 5, 2010

OK, so let’s get this over with, shall we? I’m 40. Four. Zero. Or, as the balloon says, “Oh NO … the Big Four OH!” (because this balloon apparently was designed by someone who thinks turning 40 is so universally awful that people will actually pay money to decorate their celebration with an enormous Mylar blimp that basically says “Embrace the dread, you ancient fuck!” … which would be funnier if not for the fact that we bought one). That show “Thirty Something” that I never watched when it was on, because it was about old people? Yeah, well, it’s… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 38 Comments

iMarriage

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 16, 2009

SCENE: Wonder Woman and I talking to each other while at a recent holiday party. Aaaaaaaand … action! Me: I can’t even tell you how psyched I am that I got that new wireless keyboard and mouse. That other mouse was driving me crazy, and that extended keyboard just took up way too much space. Now I have plenty of room, and that mouse is so much better. I told you that it’s touch-sensitive, right? You just move your finger across it to scroll. It’s awesome. That other one I had, the mouse cursor was just all over the damn… [read the rest]

Posted in Marriage | 12 Comments

Girls’ night out

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 24, 2009

Daddy Scratches and Wonder Woman rolled into South Philly last night to hook up with Bossy and her blog posse (which sounds so much better than “Bossy and her blogger crew” … duh), and let’s just say that we tore shit up, yo … and by “tore shit up,” I mean we drank margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and didn’t get home till almost midnight! (Scoff all you like, future parents of America, but you can rest assured that, some day, the aforementioned feat will totally fall into your “I tore shit up” category.) What to say about Bossy? Well,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 19 Comments

So now I’m the unwitting poster child for why people shouldn’t have children?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 12, 2009

About four months ago, I tried to sell my kids. Except, not really. Over the weekend, I noticed a spike in traffic to the “Kids for Sale” blog entry, and subsequently discovered that it was coming from HappilyChildFree.com and Childfreedom.com, two sites that apparently are kind of like support groups for people who have decided to not have children. “Here is some mandatory reading for anyone considering having kids!” wrote the author of Happily Childfree. “I know he thinks this is funny, but the fact that most of it is true kinda makes it scary.” Let’s get something straight, Happily… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | Comments closed

Do the chickens have large talons?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 27, 2009

A few months ago, I was all “Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot!” And you loved it. (At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.) Now, if you’ll please indulge me once more, I’m going to go all “Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot!” on you again … but, after this entry, you probably won’t have to hear about them for a while, because Chad, their drummer, will soon head into the studio to record a new album with his main group, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and when that happens, I fear that Chickenfoot won’t ride again for quite some time. So. Chickenfoot came to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Music, Van Halen, Zan | 20 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Life, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part I

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 10, 2009

Forty-eight weeks and five days; that’s how long it’ll be before The Scratches Family heads back to the beach house for our annual vacation. You know, not that I’m looking forward to it or anything. But instead of looking ahead to next year, let us back up a bit, for I am sure you all want to hear in agonizingly, excruciatingly, minutiae-filled detail about what has become a summer tradition for my family and me. First, let us tend to the setting. A good story needs a good setting, am I right? And ours takes place on … earth! OK,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Life, Parenthood | 8 Comments

The 4th of July … which falls between the 3rd and the 5th of July

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 7, 2009

On the 3rd of July, I decided to upgrade the behind-the-scenes publishing system that powers this here blog (WordPress) … which would have been delightfully simple if not for the fact that: trying to reinstate in the upgraded publishing system all of the many customizations needed to make this place look oh-so bitchin’ was kind of like that whole needle-in-a-haystack thing—except that the haystack was the size of Mt. Everest, and the needle was imaginary. during the upgrade process, I accidentally overwrote most of the folder that, among other things, contains all of the plugins (what the layman would call… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 13 Comments

The one where I send you all into a deep depression

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 1, 2009

I tried. Really, I did. For the past hour or so, I sat here and tried to write one of my witty little entries. You know, one of those ones in which I piss and moan (in an oh-so-witty fashion) about my family’s maniacal schedule, or my children’s incessant cacophony of screaming/crying/whining/bickering, or the never-ending sleep deprivation my wife and I continue to endure, or whatever other parenting travesty has befallen us. Thing is, that only works when I’m really feeling it—and I’m not feeling it. I have read some things in the past couple of weeks that, at least… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Life, Parenthood | 44 Comments

Oh, by the way

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 17, 2009

The following incident happened one week ago today, and other than acknowledging that it occurred, Wonder Woman and I haven’t spoken of it since … and that’s fine with me; I’d just as soon pretend it never happened. Which is why I’m about to share it with the Internet. Go figure. But I can’t not tell you about this one. It’s just too ridiculous. As you might recall, one week ago today was Zan’s Big Birthday Blowout, and, jeepers crow, were there ever a lot of preparations involved. The drinks, the snacks, the gifts, the cake, the activities, the balloons… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 30 Comments

So there I was, a lone drop of testosterone floating in a sea of estrogen …

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 15, 2009

Here’s how I know that I’m really gung-ho about this whole blogging thing (you know, aside from the fact that I have essentially given up sleep in order to maintain this site): On Saturday, Wonder Woman, the Wonder Twins and I drove 30 miles to the house of a woman I’d never met in order to hang out with her and a bunch of other women I’d never met, and their families. To say that doing such a thing is out of character for me would be to redefine the term “understatement.” So why, pray tell, did I do this?… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Life, Writing | 19 Comments

Bad parenting 101

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 4, 2009

The morning following the Chickenfoot concert, Wonder Woman and I, after being all cool and fun and lovey-dovey during our big night out, woke up feeling like a couple of rabid porcupines. This is how the 6 a.m. – 8 a.m. hours went at Casa de Scratches: Me: “Morning bad. BAD! GRRRR!” Her: “Work! Kids! Much stress! Need help!” Me: “Skip work. Less stress. GRRRR!” Her: “CAN’T SKIP WORK! YOU’RE NO HELP!” Me: “GRRRR! MORNING! BLARRRRRGGHHHH!! [obscene gesture]” Her: “RIGHT BACK AT YOU! RAWRRR!” Sorta like that. She was planning to take Zan to school, Jayna to gymnastics and daycare,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Zan | 14 Comments

Totally Tweaked-Out Tuesday, Part 2

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 30, 2009

OK, so where were we? Oh yeah: Wonder Woman and I had just reached what should have been the finish line of yet another marathon Tuesday, but instead of putting the kids to bed, collapsing in a heap on the couch and slipping into a low-grade coma, we had to shift it into high gear and morph into Rock-’n’-Roll Mommy and Daddy. Remember my friend Kevin Dugan who works with Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony? Well, as mentioned in a recent Photo of the Day, Sammy and Michael have teamed up with Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith and… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Music | 10 Comments

Date night

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 23, 2009

Wonder Woman decided to take the reigns of our oft-postulated, rarely executed plan for a semi-regular “date night”—which is how we came to have one for reals last night. “Be creative,” I was told. I was operating on about four-and-a-half hours of sleep, which I enjoyed on our fold-out couch, as Wonder Woman was afflicted with both a cold and brutal seasonal allergies … and, yes, my love for her knows no bounds—except when she has both a cold and brutal seasonal allergies, at which point my love knows I am bound for the couch. I have been begging Jayna… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 16 Comments

Smooth Like Your Mother

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 11, 2009

That was the name of a band in which a college classmate of mine played … which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this post, except that it’s almost midnight and I’m falling asleep where I sit and I couldn’t think of a remotely witty title with the word “Mother” in it, so I went with what you see above. Moving on … In May of 2003, when Wonder Woman was out to HERE with our first child, and we were knee-deep in maniacally idyllic visions of a swaddled cherub nursing effortlessly and sleeping soundly for 12-to-14 hours-per-day, we… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Life, Parenthood, Zan | 16 Comments

Cradle robber

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 30, 2009

I have a confession to make: I was involved with a younger woman these past few months. No, it’s true: I’m 39 … and this little chippy of whom I speak, she was only—brace yourselves—38. That’s right: full-on Lolita action, baby. But, as of today, well … I’m now hooking up with someone a bit more age-appropriate. Happy Birthday, Wonder Woman. I love you.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 17 Comments

I wanted to like my birthday surprise … really, I did

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 19, 2009

I’m having an extremely difficult time figuring out exactly how I want to approach writing about this, because the potential for me to come off sounding like a total dick is enormous—perhaps even unavoidable. In fact, if I were to add a subtitle to this entry, that subtitle would be: “Maybe the reason I didn’t is that I’m a total dick … and, hey, what’s my therapist’s phone number again?” Either that or, “You really shouldn’t forget to take your Wellbutrin twice a day as prescribed, particularly on days when you don’t want your family to think you’re a dick.”… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood | 16 Comments

Peace out, 2008. Yo yo yo, 2009.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 5, 2009

According to a number of blogs and editorials I’ve come across in recent days, it is clear to me that most people want 2008 to go suck it, and were anxious to see the door hit it in the ass. At the risk of making you all wanna throw tomatoes at me, I gotta tell ya: I do not concur. Yes, the economy blows goats, but guess what? I was already broke! Suddenly, having practically no money invested in the stock market is a good thing. Yay, me! “You see, honey? I had it planned like this all along; thank… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood, Politics | 11 Comments

Reasons I Love Her, No. 337

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 8, 2008

Scene: Me, in my office, spending my umpteenth hour of the past week working on a freelance web-programming project, payment for which will make it possible for Santa to leave another mind-numbingly huge batch of presents this year for Zan and Jayna, ensure that our heat continues to function for a short while longer, and keep us slightly beyond the reach of the snapping jaws of home foreclosure. I have just built into the client’s website an insanely cool javascript-pop-up-window thing that I accomplished by geek geek geek blah blah blah, and, I assure you, it’s amazing. Sadly, no one… [read the rest]

Also posted in Geek | 4 Comments

Did I mention that it was 19 degrees Fahrenheit in Boston the morning we left?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 1, 2008

It is downright amazing what you can discover during four full days away from your children. For example, my wife and I? Turns out we really do love each other, and we’d want to be together even if we didn’t have two kids and hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of debt listed under both of our names! It was sometime during day three or four of our recent vacation in Key West that we realized we hadn’t had a single quarrel or nasty word for each other since we left the house. This was noticeable only because of the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 15 Comments

I do

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 9, 2008

Fifteen years ago this weekend, I went to a party thrown by a childhood friend of mine and, while there, struck up a conversation with this cute hippie chick in a black sweater and a flowery, ankle-length skirt, who, it turned out, had gone to college with my childhood friend. When I first saw her, she was sitting at a table by herself, and looked rather gypsy-like, so, being the suave, debonair guy I am, I decided to dazzle her with my razor-sharp wit. “Are you the palm reader?” I asked her. (Good stuff, right?) “Actually, I am learning to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 14 Comments

Example of why I have learned to mostly quit while I’m ahead

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 12, 2008

Me to Wonder Woman after running outside and catching her before she backs out of the driveway so that I can hand to her the cellphone she left on the kitchen counter—the one that I can never reach her on: “Please keep this on you.” “I do.” “Apparently not.” “Yes, I do. That’s why it was inside.” “Huh?” “I said I do keep it on me; that’s why it was inside.” “Wait: ‘Please keep your cellphone on you,’ ‘I do; that’s why itwasn’t on me’ …?” “Yep.” [pleasant smile] “… wha …?” “I kept it on me when I came… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 3 Comments

Canyons and cupcakes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 7, 2006

Six years ago, while living in Arizona, Wonder Woman and I celebrated her 30th birthday with a trip to the Grand Canyon. We camped out near the South Rim on Friday night, got up early Saturday morning, consumed roughly 25 million grams of carbohydrates and tackled a 12-mile roundtrip hike down Bright Angel Trail and back. That picture up there shows us at the 6-mile mark, a scenic stop known as Plateau Point, which is as far as you’re supposed to go if you’re not spending the night in the canyon. So, there we were. We had reached our destination.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 1 Comment

How I love thee, frozen peas

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 3, 2006

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 20 Comments

Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2006

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Parenthood | Leave a comment

Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 14, 2006

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Life | 2 Comments