Category Archives: Marriage

Example of why I have learned to mostly quit while I’m ahead

Me to Wonder Woman after running outside and catching her before she backs out of the driveway so that I can hand to her the cellphone she left on the kitchen counter—the one that I can never reach her on: “Please keep this on you.” “I do.” “Apparently not.” “Yes, I do. That’s why it was inside.” “Huh?” “I said I do keep it on me; that’s why it was inside.” “Wait: ‘Please keep your cellphone on you,’ ‘I do; that’s why itwasn’t on me’ …?” “Yep.” [pleasant smile] “… wha …?” “I kept it on me when I came… [read the rest]

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How I love thee, frozen peas

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

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Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

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Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

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