Category Archives: Movies

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” a.k.a., “How George Lucas Took A Giant Poop On Yet Another Beloved Trilogy From Your Childhood”

A refrigerator. Indy hid in a refrigerator. In order to survive a nuclear blast. A refrigerator. A refrigerator that got tossed through the air, end over end, for miles. By the blast. The blast from the atomic bomb. The atomic bomb that instantly vaporized everything in a five-mile radius. Everything, that is, except for the refrigerator—which the blast from the atomic bomb instead launched through the air, for miles and miles, until it hit the ground. Hard. Miles away from the blast site. With Indiana Jones inside of it. And he popped open the door and got out and coughed… [read the rest]

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Disney wants to eat your children

Hey, Disney, quick question for ya: Who at the MPAA do you guys blow in order to get “G” ratings for your movies? Because I’m convinced that’s how you’re getting it done. [DISCLAIMER: I’m not looking at you, PIXAR. You rock. I think you should quadruple your staff and put out four times as many movies as you do now, because nothing would please me more than to make a PIXAR film the feature for every one of our family movie nights. (Except for that opening scene in “Nemo” where his mother and the other gajillion baby fish get devoured… [read the rest]

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9 + Nine = Oops

If you listen closely, you can hear Harvey Weinstein screaming in the distance. See that movie poster on the left? That one is for “9” … a very cool-looking animated action/adventure film produced by goth-cinema icon Tim Burton. And the movie poster on the right? That one is for “Nine,” which Weinstein’s production company describes as “a vibrant and provocative musical that follows the life of world famous film director Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis) as he reaches a creative and personal crisis of epic proportion.” There are several reasons why Harvey is screaming like that—I mean, aside from the fact… [read the rest]

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