Category Archives: Parenthood

Lay down your weary head, my son, and I will lull you to sleep with … a violent tale of death and dismemberment …?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 19, 2012

Zan is almost nine now, and one of the great things about having an almost-9-year-old son is that the list of things I can do with him that I actually enjoy rather than endure has grown considerably since back in the days when he was a wee little tyke. For example: Remember “Brown Bear” and “Goodnight Moon” and “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” and “Miss Spider” and “Dear Sweet Christ, My Brain Is Melting From The Monotony of Reading and Re-Reading The Same Boring Shit Over and Over and Over”? Yeah, me too. Thankfully, we have graduated to less lobotomy-inducing fare,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Zan | 34 Comments

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 1, 2012

I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 40 Comments

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 25, 2012

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 43 Comments

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 1, 2012

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 6 Comments

A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 20, 2011

Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display the two of you put… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna, Zan | 23 Comments

Note to self: Chill the fuck out.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 5, 2011

I know it will shock you to hear this, so brace yourself: The intensity of my neuroses and anxiety and heightened state of worryfulness (… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Zan | 19 Comments

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN! Part 2

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2011

Let’s review the preceding events: • My car is in the shop after creating a public-safety threat of epic proportions. • My yard is destroyed in the wake of a freak October snowstorm … and if there’s one thing I enjoy more than the frigid delight of your average winter snowstorm, it’s A FREAK OCTOBER SNOWSTORM THAT DESTROYS MY YARD. • My wife’s car has just broken down in the middle of the street on a huge hill near the elementary school our children attend, which has given her the pride-swelling honor of standing by the side of the road… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery, Life | 12 Comments

HAPPY CLUSTERFUCKOWEEN!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 3, 2011

Sorry for my delay in writing this year’s Spooktacular Recap, but I’ve been busy with CLINGING TO WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY SANITY. Suffice it to say that this year’s Halloween weekend was asstastically heavy on tricks and anorexically thin on treats. Let’s begin. FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28th Question: Is it a good thing when your car wets itself? Answer: No, it is not … especially when the fluid in question turns out to be gasoline. You know what happens when you call for a tow truck to come fetch your incontinent automobile? The tow-truck people advise you to… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery, Life | 24 Comments

Tip for brain-dead, childless hairdressers everywhere: When an 8-year-old tells you to make him look like a death-row inmate, check with his parents first

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 21, 2011

Listen, when you get right down to it, the whole thing was my fault. I know this, OK? But that still doesn’t change the fact that the hairdresser was a brain-dead fuckwit. You see, Zan and I get our haircuts together. When we lived in Massachusetts, we had a specific woman whom we went to exclusively for six years, and we since have replaced her with a suitable Pennsylvanian counterpart. And because the same woman always cuts our hair, she knows how we want it done, thus negating the need for me to instruct her about what to do with… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Zan | 26 Comments

Enter the Daddy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 23, 2011

Jayna is friends with a girl in our neighborhood whose live-in grandmother is from China and speaks no English. Recently, I walked Jayna over to their house so that she could ask if her friend was able to come out and play. “Hi,” I said when the grandmother appeared at the screen door. She smiled and made a couple of sounds and gestures that I took to mean that Jayna’s friend was not at home. “Oh, she’s not home? Okay,” I said. The grandmother then made a couple more brief sounds and gestures that I took to mean that she… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna | 18 Comments

Dad Life

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 11, 2011

’Nuff said.… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 12 Comments

Zan: 8 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 23, 2011

Dear Zan,

Congratulations on surviving the most bat-shit crazy year of your life!… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Zan | 24 Comments

An open letter to my son, whom I recently thought was totally going to get his ass whupped by a girl

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 26, 2011

Dear Zan, For a few moments this past weekend, I was fairly certain that, through no fault of your own, you were about to get your ass thoroughly kicked by a girl. But let’s back up a bit. A week ago this past Saturday, you had your first wrestling meet, and I am forever scarred by this experience, because it turns out that it is terribly unnerving to watch your 7-year-old son fighting for his life. To be completely honest, I’d rather you weren’t participating in this sport. I think it is way too intense for someone your age. Of… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Zan | 27 Comments

I’m kind of like a superhero who saves people … except the people I save usually aren’t in any real danger other than that which I’ve conjured up in my own wildly neurotic imagination

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 19, 2010

Last weekend, my mother-in-law treated me, Wonder Woman, our kids, our nephew and WW’s older brother to the Philly Pops’ annual holiday concert at The Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts — or, as I like to call it, The Anxiety-Provoking Center for the Provocation of Anxiety in the Overly Neurotic Parent Who Fears the Accidental Falling from Great Heights and Subsequent Premature Death of His Children and Nephew. The building itself was as spectacular as had my wife, mother-in-law and brother-in-law led me to believe it would be. An architectural masterpiece, really. Unfortunately, when I’m responsible for the wellbeing… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 17 Comments

Numb

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 11, 2010

Last night, I drove my family to my in-laws’ house in Pennsylvania, where we planned to spend the next two days before continuing on to Delaware for our much-anticipated annual vacation in Bethany Beach. It was to be our fourth consecutive summer spending a week in a beautiful beach-side house with my wife’s family; the previous three vacations there had easily been my favorite one-week period in each of the respective years during which they took place. My in-laws were sound asleep when we arrived at around 1:30 this morning, and we were all sound asleep when my father-in-law headed… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 147 Comments

It’s a good thing I’m so naturally crafty and handy and oh wait no I’m not

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 29, 2010

It was supposed to be so simple: take the little block of wood, cut it into a car-like shape, slap some paint on it, attach the wheels, ta-dah, done, finished, no sweat. Of course, when it comes to me, nothing is simple … particularly a pseudo-carpentry project. You need a Pinewood Derby website? Well, hot damn: I’m your man. I can code the living shit out of your Pinewood Derby website. You need me to make a functional Pinewood Derby car out of a block of wood? Yeah? How ’bout I just conjure up some fucking unicorns for you while… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Zan | 24 Comments

And in tonight’s ‘News That Will Surprise No One’ segment comes this story…

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 16, 2010

Mercy! Uncle! Whatever the “I’ve had enough of this shit” code word is, I’m saying it. Enough. Listen, I tried. For almost three months, I was Wellbutrin-free, and during that time, I learned alot about myself — to include this interesting tidbit: WELLBUTRIN WAS MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR ME. Do I want to be dependent upon a twice-a-day dosage of an antidepressant in order to be a functional human being? No, I definitely don’t. What I DO want, however, is to BE A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING … and, for better or worse, I’m way better at doing that when I’m taking… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | 47 Comments

40

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 5, 2010

OK, so let’s get this over with, shall we? I’m 40. Four. Zero. Or, as the balloon says, “Oh NO … the Big Four OH!” (because this balloon apparently was designed by someone who thinks turning 40 is so universally awful that people will actually pay money to decorate their celebration with an enormous Mylar blimp that basically says “Embrace the dread, you ancient fuck!” … which would be funnier if not for the fact that we bought one). That show “Thirty Something” that I never watched when it was on, because it was about old people? Yeah, well, it’s… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Marriage | 38 Comments

And if this doesn’t work, I’ve got a lead on a witch doctor

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 7, 2010

Shortly after I turned 30 (you know, roughly a decade ago… and, yeah, there’s a thought that really cheers me up, thanks!), I climbed into bed one night with a book that I had seen lying around the house for at least a year or so: “Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood through Adulthood.” I assumed that it was just another of the many clinical books that Wonder Woman had accumulated as a result of her social-work career, but I had been on the receiving end of a number of ADD jokes over the… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Zan | 27 Comments

If not for The Force, Darth Vader would have totally gotten his ass kicked, because that suit? Not very practical.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 11, 2009

You will never guess who my family met last night. In fact, don’t even bother trying, because — huh? Oh. Um, yeah, that’s correct. How’d you know? I what? Oh. Dammit! I suck at surprises. Well, anyway: Hey! My family met Darth Vader last night! I know, right? Totally awesome. Except, here’s the thing: the dude in the Vader suit? Yeah, that’d be me. OK, so here’s the story with this bullshit: A few weeks ago, Wonder Woman and I took the kids to the comic-book store. While there, Wonder Woman, who is on the school council at Zan’s elementary… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | 22 Comments

Howzabout we just pretend I never said anything, and you can all crawl back into the sewer?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 16, 2009

Wow. Just … wow. I’ve gotten quite an education over the past couple of days about a controversy I never knew existed. There apparently are battle lines drawn out there. On one side are the Childfree (a single word, I’ve learned), and on the other side are the Childed (what most people refer to as “Parents,” and what the angry faction of the Childfree movement refers to as “Breeders”; they also refer to mothers as “Moos” and fathers as “Duhdees” … and, I swear to Christ, I’m not making this up). When I sat down to write my “So now… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 70 Comments

Because, much like FOX News, Daddy Scratches is Fair and Balanced (you know, except for the part where “Fair and Balanced” means “Loves to spread Right Wing propaganda and call it news”).

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 14, 2009

Well, then. So, it would appear that the whole child-free vs. having-children thing is what’s called a “hot-button topic,” as evidenced by the response to my previous blog entry. Now, just to clarify: my intention was not to point a big foam “Parents are #1!” finger in the face of every adult who decides to not have children and say “You suck and I rule!” It was to say to the couple of militantly anti-child folks who decided to use me as their mascot that they were missing the big picture. Obviously, given the nature of this blog, the majority… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 17 Comments

So now I’m the unwitting poster child for why people shouldn’t have children?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 12, 2009

About four months ago, I tried to sell my kids. Except, not really. Over the weekend, I noticed a spike in traffic to the “Kids for Sale” blog entry, and subsequently discovered that it was coming from HappilyChildFree.com and Childfreedom.com, two sites that apparently are kind of like support groups for people who have decided to not have children. “Here is some mandatory reading for anyone considering having kids!” wrote the author of Happily Childfree. “I know he thinks this is funny, but the fact that most of it is true kinda makes it scary.” Let’s get something straight, Happily… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Marriage, Zan | Comments closed

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 8, 2009

I know it’s been six days since I wrote a full-fledged blog entry, but if it makes you feel any better, I have desperately wanted to do so long before now, and my failure to do so has weighed upon me heavily during every waking hour of every one of those blogless days … which, seeing as how I never sleep, means I’ve suffered lots of self-imposed failure-to-blog guilt. As I mentioned last Thursday, however, Jayna came down with a cold, and the days since have been one big ball of sleepless, coughing, nose-blowing, snot-wiping goodness. Friday, I took a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 17 Comments

The Cruel Shoes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 29, 2009

See those shoes? If you have young children, you’re probably quite familiar with them. If not: they’re called Crocs … and everyone loves Crocs. Crocs rock. Except, c’mere and I’ll tell you a little secret: I think they suck, and I rue the day my children fell in love with them. I don’t call them Crocs; I call them Trips … because I have watched my children trip and fall in them so many times — particularly Zan, who isn’t the most graceful or coordinated dude in the vicinity to begin with — that one would think I walked around… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Zan | 48 Comments

Pay no attention to that safer vaccine behind the curtain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 17, 2009

So I took the kids to get their flu shots yesterday, and it sucked. The End. Seriously, need I say more? I mean, if you’ve ever had to take your kids to get a flu shot — or any shot, for that matter — you know the deal: shot = sucks. The End. But, of course, that’s not The End, is it? No, certainly not … for I must entertain and astound you, and, with any luck, make you regurgitate your beverage through your nose. So … When Wonder Woman informed me that she had a work commitment Wednesday evening,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Zan | 31 Comments

9/11

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 11, 2009

No one I knew or was related to died on that awful day, and I was neither in New York nor Washington D.C. when it happened; like most, I listened to it on the radio and watched it on TV. The people who experienced it firsthand, and the people who lost loved ones, are the people who have truly meaningful stories to tell about Sept. 11, 2001. Still, for eight years, I’ve always felt the need to write about it, both for myself, and for my children, so that, when they’re old enough, and if they care to, they can… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 29 Comments

Comin’ down the mountain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 9, 2009

After inadvertently helping my kids to determine that nature sucks, I, in the hopes of not ending our mini-vacation on a sour note, pointed the car north, and, a short while later, arrived at Attitash ski resort — which, during the off-season, it turns out, is converted into a summer playground. The main attraction? An alpine slide that, according to the resort’s website, is the longest in all of North America. Now, not only had Zan and Jayna never been on an alpine slide; I’d never been on one, either. (Wonder Woman claims to have gone on one as a… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Jayna, Zan | 15 Comments

Look at all the gorgeous wonders of nature, kids! Kids? Hello?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 4, 2009

Travel tip for all you parents out there: If you’d like to take your kids on a nature hike to see a spectacular waterfall in the mountains, don’t do it less than 24 hours after taking them to an enormous amusement park, because if you do, your kids will tell nature to go suck it. Yes, the morning after we went to Story Land, the weather again was beautiful, and seeing as how we were in the White Mountains and all, we decided we should take in some of the natural splendor of the region … so we checked out… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Zan | 14 Comments

Quest for Fun

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 1, 2009

Sorry for the delay getting this entry up, but I had to wait for John Travolta to swing by my place and stab me in the heart with an enormous, adrenaline-filled syringe … because I overdosed on fun this weekend. (Sunday and Monday, actually, but “I overdosed on fun this past Sunday and Monday” doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely as “weekend,” so I took a little poetic license back there. My blog, my rules.) Yes, Wonder Woman and I took the kids on an adventure of epic proportions — a 33-hour bonanza packed with more fun and… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 19 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part III

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 18, 2009

With two previous Bethany Beach vacations under our collective belt, we had it down to a science this year. Firstly, that whole “driving from Boston to Delaware in one fell swoop” thing? Yeah, F that. My in-laws live in the Philly area, so we drive there and back several times per year. The kids have been making the trip since birth, so they’re used to it, and we have perfected its execution: We leave shortly after 6 o’clock at night, make a single stop to use the bathroom and refuel, and arrive around midnight. There’s no traffic, the kids sleep… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Life | 13 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Jayna, Life, Marriage, Zan | 16 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part I

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 10, 2009

Forty-eight weeks and five days; that’s how long it’ll be before The Scratches Family heads back to the beach house for our annual vacation. You know, not that I’m looking forward to it or anything. But instead of looking ahead to next year, let us back up a bit, for I am sure you all want to hear in agonizingly, excruciatingly, minutiae-filled detail about what has become a summer tradition for my family and me. First, let us tend to the setting. A good story needs a good setting, am I right? And ours takes place on … earth! OK,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Life, Marriage | 8 Comments

Triple threat

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 5, 2009

I gotta tell ya, folks … that son o’ mine? A real chip off the ol’ block. I mean, look at him; kid’s a friggin’ stud. Of course, when I was his age, I, too, was quite the little athlete. Organized sports? Couldn’t get enough. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone to learn that he now officially is a three-sport athlete. That is, it shouldn’t surprise anyone who didn’t know me as a child, and therefore isn’t aware of the fact that, in my youth, my interest in sports—whether participating in them or watching them—actually was right up there with my… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 7 Comments

Jayna: 4 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 3, 2009

Dear Jayna, Chances are that one day, years from now, I’m going to walk you down an aisle and hand you off to the man with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life (provided that the man in question has passed a thorough background check), and when that day comes, I will say to that man a few words about how precious a thing to me is my daughter, and how I hope he always treats you as such—and then, in addition to handing to that man my daughter, I will hand to that man a pair of earplugs,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 16 Comments

The 4th of July … which falls between the 3rd and the 5th of July

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 7, 2009

On the 3rd of July, I decided to upgrade the behind-the-scenes publishing system that powers this here blog (WordPress) … which would have been delightfully simple if not for the fact that: trying to reinstate in the upgraded publishing system all of the many customizations needed to make this place look oh-so bitchin’ was kind of like that whole needle-in-a-haystack thing—except that the haystack was the size of Mt. Everest, and the needle was imaginary. during the upgrade process, I accidentally overwrote most of the folder that, among other things, contains all of the plugins (what the layman would call… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Marriage | 13 Comments

The one where I send you all into a deep depression

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 1, 2009

I tried. Really, I did. For the past hour or so, I sat here and tried to write one of my witty little entries. You know, one of those ones in which I piss and moan (in an oh-so-witty fashion) about my family’s maniacal schedule, or my children’s incessant cacophony of screaming/crying/whining/bickering, or the never-ending sleep deprivation my wife and I continue to endure, or whatever other parenting travesty has befallen us. Thing is, that only works when I’m really feeling it—and I’m not feeling it. I have read some things in the past couple of weeks that, at least… [read the rest]

Also posted in Inspiration, Life, Marriage | 44 Comments

Our father, who art in chaos, procrastination be thy name

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 25, 2009

I know, I know: How the hell does a so-called “daddy blogger” with a blog dubbed “Daddy Scratches” not post anything about Father’s Day? Well, mostly, it’s because he’s been too busy BEING A FATHER! So, better late than never. I had fun pulling together Wonder Woman’s Mother’s Day retrospective (or, rather, I was pleased with the result; the “pulling together” part isn’t all that fun) so I figured I’d give it a whirl with Father’s Day. Father’s Day 2003 In 2003, Father’s Day fell four days after the birth of my first child, the one and only Zan. Here,… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 19 Comments

Playdate

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 22, 2009

Overheard just now: Zan: My Dad knows more about baseball than anybody. He knows balls and strikes and everything. Friend: Oh yeah? Well, my Dad knows Terry Francona and all the Red Sox. Zan: Yeah, well, do you know about concerts? After concerts, my Dad gets to go backstage.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 12 Comments

And now a few words from my children’s coats

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 19, 2009

Why, children? Why do you hate us so? What ever have we done to you except keep you warm and dry and protected from the elements? Do you not understand that although it feels plenty warm enough to wear that sleeveless shirt and those shorts while you’re still inside the house with the door closed, it is not equally as warm on the other side of that door? Do you not realize that it is more than 20 degrees cooler outside right now, and that “more than 20 degrees cooler outside” means “much colder than it is indoors right now”?… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 15 Comments

Oh, by the way

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 17, 2009

The following incident happened one week ago today, and other than acknowledging that it occurred, Wonder Woman and I haven’t spoken of it since … and that’s fine with me; I’d just as soon pretend it never happened. Which is why I’m about to share it with the Internet. Go figure. But I can’t not tell you about this one. It’s just too ridiculous. As you might recall, one week ago today was Zan’s Big Birthday Blowout, and, jeepers crow, were there ever a lot of preparations involved. The drinks, the snacks, the gifts, the cake, the activities, the balloons… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Marriage | 30 Comments

Zan: 6 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 12, 2009

Dear Zan, You had another birthday yesterday, and I won’t even try to pretend that I’m not totally freaked out by the fact that you’re six all of a sudden. As your mother has been saying (and I concur), your sixth birthday is far more jarring to her and me than were our own recent 39th birthdays. When I wrote the headline for this letter, I initially wrote “Zan: 5 years” … and it is not the first time in recent days that I have, for a brief moment, inadvertently thought to myself that you would be turning five this… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 16 Comments

New birthday rule

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 10, 2009

Six years ago right now, Wonder Woman and I were spending our last night in bed as a childless couple. Earlier in the day, we had gone to an acupuncturist in the hopes that turning Wonder Woman into a human pin cushion would kick-start her labor. She was almost a full two weeks past her due date, and the midwives were only going to let her go another day or two before advising that she be induced at the hospital—which we wanted to avoid, because we both subscribed to the belief that the baby would come out when it was… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 12 Comments

Bad parenting 101

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 4, 2009

The morning following the Chickenfoot concert, Wonder Woman and I, after being all cool and fun and lovey-dovey during our big night out, woke up feeling like a couple of rabid porcupines. This is how the 6 a.m. – 8 a.m. hours went at Casa de Scratches: Me: “Morning bad. BAD! GRRRR!” Her: “Work! Kids! Much stress! Need help!” Me: “Skip work. Less stress. GRRRR!” Her: “CAN’T SKIP WORK! YOU’RE NO HELP!” Me: “GRRRR! MORNING! BLARRRRRGGHHHH!! [obscene gesture]” Her: “RIGHT BACK AT YOU! RAWRRR!” Sorta like that. She was planning to take Zan to school, Jayna to gymnastics and daycare,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Marriage, Zan | 14 Comments

Totally Tweaked-Out Tuesday, Part 1

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 27, 2009

I know we’ve already discussed how crazy Tuesdays are over here at Casa de Scratches (more than once, in fact), but holy halmalagueña, yesterday was epic. First, we … wait, I can’t even remember. It all started about 40 hours ago, but as I try to recall the first few of those hours right now, it feels like I’m attempting to dredge something up from the mid-’70s. Oh yeah, that’s right: Wonder Woman took Zan to school, and I played with Jayna for a bit until it came time for me to chauffeur her to preschool—which, I must confess, has… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Zan | 12 Comments

Date night

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 23, 2009

Wonder Woman decided to take the reigns of our oft-postulated, rarely executed plan for a semi-regular “date night”—which is how we came to have one for reals last night. “Be creative,” I was told. I was operating on about four-and-a-half hours of sleep, which I enjoyed on our fold-out couch, as Wonder Woman was afflicted with both a cold and brutal seasonal allergies … and, yes, my love for her knows no bounds—except when she has both a cold and brutal seasonal allergies, at which point my love knows I am bound for the couch. I have been begging Jayna… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage | 16 Comments

Having a ball (which, I’m sure you’ll agree, seems much more wholesome than my first two choices: ‘Balls’ and ‘My kid’s got balls’)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 19, 2009

Have I mentioned that I’m coaching tee-ball? What? Oh, c’mon, now you’re just exaggerating. “A million times”? I don’t think so. You’re such a drama queen. Sheesh. Well, in any case, I’m still coaching tee-ball. Last night, we had our first 5 p.m. game, and thank sweet Jesus, because all of our previous Monday-night games have been at 6:15 p.m., and here’s the thing about playing a tee-ball game at 6:15 p.m.: it is wayyyy too late a time at which to start an activity for 5- and 6-year-old kids on a school night … especially when one 5-year-old—the coach’s… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 7 Comments

The ol’ falling-out-of-bed switcheroo

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 14, 2009

I thought we had finally made it past the whole falling-out-of-bed stage—and, after the multiple heart attacks Jayna gave me during her whole getting-used-to-sleeping-in-a-bed-instead-of-a-crib phase, it was quite nice to finally be free from sleeping with a little case of nitrate pills around my neck. I mean, it had to have been at least two months after she first began sleeping in her new bed before I finally felt it was safe to move the couch cushions from their temporary home on the floor around her bed back to their customary location on the downstairs couch. But all that was… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 6 Comments

Smooth Like Your Mother

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 11, 2009

That was the name of a band in which a college classmate of mine played … which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this post, except that it’s almost midnight and I’m falling asleep where I sit and I couldn’t think of a remotely witty title with the word “Mother” in it, so I went with what you see above. Moving on … In May of 2003, when Wonder Woman was out to HERE with our first child, and we were knee-deep in maniacally idyllic visions of a swaddled cherub nursing effortlessly and sleeping soundly for 12-to-14 hours-per-day, we… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna, Life, Marriage, Zan | 16 Comments

The real reason I’m known as ‘Daddy Scratches’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 5, 2009

Wonder Woman and I saw “Wolverine” this weekend, and immediately upon leaving the theater, I went and got myself outfitted with the latest and greatest in parenting equipment: adamantium claws. Yes, it hurt like a bitch having these puppies installed in my forearms, but the pain seems rather worth it, because now, when the kids hear the dual SNIKT-SNIKT sound of me unleashing two sets of big-ass claws and see these long, shiny blades come shooting out of my hands … well, let’s just say that they get their shit together in a hurry. “Zan, time to brush your teeth… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | 28 Comments

Daddy Coaches

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 29, 2009

Hey, everybody! So, yesterday was the first tee-ball game of the season, and I gotta tell ya— [Ring-ring ... ring-ring ... ring-ring] Oh, excuse me for a moment; I have to take this call. Hello? This is him. Who? Theo? Seriously? You what? Really? Well, um, yes, I’d love to! Thanks so much! OK, great! See you at Fenway next week! Wow! That was Theo Epstein, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox. He wants me in the dugout for the team’s next home series. Seems the word is out about what a stellar coaching job I did with Game… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Red Sox, Zan | 5 Comments

It’s all downhill from here

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 27, 2009

Scene: Zan, outside, dribbling and shooting a basketball. Ball bounces back and strikes him in the crotch. Zan: “Ouch!” Jayna: “What happened, Zan?” Zan: “The ball just hit me in the penis … which some people call a ‘wiener.’” And so intensifies the outside world’s poisoning of my child. Homeschooling is beginning to seem very attractive. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Pioneer Woman. Any room on the ranch?)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Quoting Zan, Zan | 9 Comments

A week between entries? Way to keep people interested, dummy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 23, 2009

Jesus Christ, can somebody open some windows in here? Talk about stuffy. Place smells like a morgue. Whew. Sorry ’bout that. So, yes, I’m back from my weeklong semi-hiatus, and much love to you the faithful who have continued to return, day in, day out, to see if I’ve gotten off my ass and written something for you, only to find that I sucked, and hadn’t. (Which reminds me: Hi! Have you met my sort-of-daily Photo of the Day-ish feature? It usually comprises not only a breathtaking piece of photographic brilliance, but also some elegant, witty and wonderful prose relating… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Life, Zan | 15 Comments

That big circle I just leapt out of? Yeah, that was my comfort zone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 14, 2009

There was a moment during my first few horrific days of Army basic training when it occurred to me that I, shithead extraordinaire, was the one who volunteered to be there, and that the misery I was experiencing as a result of being there was, therefore, in the words of the great Robert Plant, “na-na-na-na-na-na-na-noooooobody’s fault but mine.” I experienced a similar epiphany yesterday when I found myself standing in the middle of a baseball diamond coaching 11 youngsters during their first tee-ball practice. When I got backed into coaching Zan’s tee-ball team last year, I only coached the actual… [read the rest]

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Play ball (maybe)!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 6, 2009

And now the baseball talk shall commence … and because I have a gazillion female readers and, like, two male readers, I am hopeful that there are lots and lots of ladies out there who enjoy the game, for, if not, I fear that, in the weeks and months ahead, the traffic to this here blog is going to dry up and blow away like a tumbleweed. Big day over here at Casa de Scratches. BIG. MUY GRANDE (possibly). It’s opening day for the Red Sox (perhaps) … which is a big deal to us ’round these parts. We loves… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Red Sox, Zan | 17 Comments

Is it just me, or is this blog starting to seem like little more than a diary of illnesses?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 3, 2009

Boy, that Life, I tell ya. Such a kidder. Always with the jokes, that one. A real cut-up. Ha-ha. Good one, Life. That whole “Jayna’s sick and won’t take a nap” thing? That was cute, wasn’t it? Seemed at the time like our nerves were stretched pretty thin. Yeah, that was yesterday … before The Coughing. Just imagine *cough* if *coughCOUGH* every *cough-GAG* three seconds *COUGH-GAG-BLARGH* you were violently coughing *COUGH-COUGH-whimper* to the point of gagging, *HACK-HACK-COUGH* and gagging *sniffle-snort-COUGH-COUGH-GAG* sometimes to the point of vomiting. That is what Jayna has been doing, almost literally nonstop since late yesterday afternoon.… [read the rest]

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TiVo’s ‘Video On Demand’ feature is AWESOME … and by ‘AWESOME,’ I mean it blows

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 31, 2009

One of the nice things about having two children who no longer are babies is that you can actually do things with them. Yes, I know, there are those—Wonder Woman herself, even—who get all misty when they think about the baby years, and feel a twinge inside whenever they see someone with a newborn … a twinge that says, “Baby! Baby cute! Baby cuddly! Baby so sweet! Must have another!” I feel a different twinge … a twinge that says, “Oh, you don’t even know what a great time you’re going to have during the looooooong, sleep-deprived, sanity-testing months to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Geek, TV | 20 Comments

Jayna: 3 years, 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 26, 2009

Dear Jayna, Much has happened in the past eight months, and you have become quite the little firecracker. But enough about all of that. Let us talk at great length about your sleeping arrangements and related matters, shall we? As chronicled here recently, you have finally graduated from the crib to a big-girl bed … a move we were able to delay for you much longer than for your super-sized brother, who outgrew the crib about a week after he was born. And, though I’ve already covered this elsewhere, I would be remiss if I did not point out here… [read the rest]

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There’s no place like home (Yes, I went with the cliché. Sue me.)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 23, 2009

Thanks in large part to my role as a husband and a father, there is, believe it or not, a rhythm and a flow and a structure to my day-to-day life—and I say “believe it or not” because it often seems that my day-to-day life is nothing if not rhythmless, flowless and structureless. The existence of that structure is most noticeable for its absence when I travel on business. With that structure removed, I often have difficulty doing things—things like eating meals during the normal hours at which those meals are supposed to be eaten, and going to bed at… [read the rest]

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The darnedest things

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 16, 2009

We haven’t yet cleared Jayna for handling the toilet-paper part of bathroom use, so, when she finishes using the toilet, she hollers “DONE, DADDY!” or “DONE, MOMMY!” Her most recent visit to the bathroom occurred just a few minutes ago, and I was the parent summoned. As I entered, I was regaled with the following report: “I did tinks, Daddy. No poops … but I did a toot before I did tinks. It was a long tinks … and a long toot!” Which is funny enough on paper, but even funnier when delivered by a cute little blonde-haired muppet with… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 23 Comments

Berated by Bono

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 12, 2009

Um, well, actually, Mr. Bono, now that you mention it … (Sorry, kids. You’ll get the story, but not tonight. Aiming for tomorrow.) (Also, FYI: This kind of unfortunate incident can be avoided in the future if one of you would like to make an enormous donation to the “Help Daddy Scratches Quit His Day Job” fund. I’m just sayin’ …)… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Music | 5 Comments

The Worst Daddy in the World

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 10, 2009

That’s me, baby. All you other daddies out there who thought you were the worst? IN YOUR FACE! YEAH! This distinction wasn’t bestowed upon me during an official awards ceremony, and, as far as I know, there isn’t actually a trophy or plaque or certificate that I can use to proudly display this honor, but it is a noteworthy accomplishment, nonetheless. I had a hunch that I was a serious contender for Worst Daddy in the World, because, yesterday afternoon, while Wonder Woman was at a doctor’s appointment, I overheard Zan and Jayna having a candid discussion about me. “And… [read the rest]

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An even bigger prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 7, 2009

“Are you going to write about it?” she asked me from across the table while we were eating lunch yesterday. “I don’t think I really want to,” I said. “I mean, it’s just a little too moronic, dontcha think?” She paused for a moment, presumably because she knew I’d arrive there on my own. “I guess I kinda have to, don’t I?” I asked. “I think so,” she answered. So here I go. Thursday night, there was a book fair at Zan’s school, and since Jayna had already morphed into a screaming, crying, porcupine-badger-Tasmanian-Devil-electric-eel type of thing by the hour… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery, Life | 13 Comments

A real prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 4, 2009

We’re in the midst of an economic crisis, and two wars, and there are droughts and disease and famine happening around the globe … and yet, I still am able to get disproportionately annoyed by the little things that go wrong during the course of the day. Here, let me tell you about one such thing—and let me take my damn sweet time getting to the thing itself, because it’s all about the journey, not the destination, am I right? Wonder Woman had a work commitment this afternoon and evening, so I was home with the kids, who were delightful.… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery, Zan | 20 Comments

Does anyone have Heat Miser’s phone number?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 2, 2009

That was the view out my front window just a short while ago (as was this). Jack Frost forwent the can and instead opened up a whole keg of whoop-ass on us, to the tune of about 15 inches—which, coupled with the 20-to-30-mile-per-hour winds, has created some spectacularly large snow drifts … many of which have piled up in the most inconvenient of places. Like against the back door, for example. I might have to go out a window. And, as if the specter of a two-hour shoveling session wasn’t joy-inducing enough, my job-related duties for today got unexpectedly more… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 18 Comments

Tinkerbed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 25, 2009

We said “Goodbye” to The Crib tonight. The Crib has been a part of our lives since before Zan was born. Prior to his arrival, we set it up in our apartment. Eventually, we placed him in it, and, not long thereafter, moved him and it to our house. When he graduated to a fire-engine bed, we placed Jayna in it. And, then last summer, Zan graduated to an actual twin-sized, big-boy bed. And Jayna decided she wanted one, and that she wasn’t interested in getting a transitional bed shaped like a pixie-dust-covered-pumpkin-chariot-princess-fairy thing. So, voila. There it is, assembled… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna | 14 Comments

Ski report

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2009

This past weekend marked the one-year anniversary of the first time my mother rented a house in the White Mountains, which means it also marked the one-year anniversary of our first attempt at strapping a pair of skis on Zan and getting him to take his first lesson. On that first occasion, he seemed interested in the concept until it came time for us to send him off with the instructors and other students, at which point he melted a gaping hole in the mountainside and made it clear that the parents-can’t-stay-with-you ski lesson was not going to be happening,… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna, Zan | 15 Comments

It’s all downhill from here

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 13, 2009

Hello, my peeps. It’s been an eventful day, and is sure to be an eventful weekend. I’m currently writing on the Macbook here in the middle of a room full of family members, all of whom are staying at this here house in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, which my Mom rented for the long weekend. (Check out today’s Photo of the Day for the view off the back deck.) Point being: I’d love to regale you right now with one of my gut-busting, side-splitting, knee-slapping, 25,000-word epics, but I am about two minutes away from being branded an… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life | 7 Comments

Short and sweet

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 4, 2009

I’m sitting on the couch with Jayna last night during the evening ritual known as “Last Show” when she suddenly, out of nowhere, turns her head away from the TV, looks into my eyes and initiates the following exchange: “Daddy, I love being your child.” “Awww, thank you, honey. I love being your daddy.” Then, as if that wasn’t cute enough to make fuzzy pink bunnies and pixie dust shoot out of my nose, she adds: “And that makes my heart smile.” And that, my peeps, is why Daddy is willing to put up with shit like Baby Alive Tink… [read the rest]

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Another mouth to feed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 3, 2009

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners? This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself. But she is… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna | 35 Comments

Here we snow again

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 30, 2009

Is everyone tired of hearing me bitch about winter yet? Yeah? Well, you’re not nearly as tired of hearing me bitch about it as I am tired of having it to bitch about. The latest storm happened Wednesday, and it was just too awesome for words. First, it snowed and snowed and snowed, and then it snowed some more, so school was canceled, and Mommy taking the kids out of the house for a few hours was canceled, and Daddy’s ability to string together two coherent thoughts was canceled, because, oh, sweet Jesus, The Screaming! The Screaming started early, and… [read the rest]

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The Dad Who Cried Wolf

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 27, 2009

The suspense and anticipation have been killing you, am I right? And you’ve been certain that the update for which you have so longed—the one about me being on Daddy Duty all weekend—would be rife with calamity and chaos, and served with a side-order of disaster. Well, me too … and it definitely started out that way. At around 10 o’clock Friday night, I went upstairs to do my nightly carry-the-sleeping-kids-to-the-bathroom-so-they-don’t-pee-in-their-beds thing, and as I carried my (very heavy) son to the toilet, I knew things were about to take a turn for the worse. As mentioned in the Weekend… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 14 Comments

Weekend at Bernie’s Daddy’s

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 23, 2009

Internet, are you ready for Christmas in January? Because the weekend forecast here at Casa de Scratches calls for a blizzard of—no, an avalanche of—no, wait, a tsunami of material for this blog. What would you say if I told you that Wonder Woman was headed out of town this weekend for a girls’ trip to Atlantic City? That’s right: she’s leavin’ on a jet plane … and that means I will be home alone with the kids for the entire weekend. “But that’s not all! Jon, tell the readers what else they’ll be getting!” The recently pukey Ms. Jayna?… [read the rest]

Posted in Parenthood | 11 Comments

Black and white

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 21, 2009

In the midst of all the excitement and most-welcome history-making that has taken place this week, I saw a little more of my son’s innocence slip away, and I’m grappling with how to feel about it. Zan brought home from kindergarten a few days ago a picture he drew of Martin Luther King Jr. standing at a podium giving his “I Have a Dream” speech, something his teacher had shown the students on the classroom’s SMART Board (which so kicks the ass of those antiquated old chalkboards we had as kids—you know, back in the late 1900s … and, hey,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Zan | 12 Comments

I wanted to like my birthday surprise … really, I did

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 19, 2009

I’m having an extremely difficult time figuring out exactly how I want to approach writing about this, because the potential for me to come off sounding like a total dick is enormous—perhaps even unavoidable. In fact, if I were to add a subtitle to this entry, that subtitle would be: “Maybe the reason I didn’t is that I’m a total dick … and, hey, what’s my therapist’s phone number again?” Either that or, “You really shouldn’t forget to take your Wellbutrin twice a day as prescribed, particularly on days when you don’t want your family to think you’re a dick.”… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Marriage | 16 Comments

Sick E. Cheese

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 14, 2009

I had a hunch something was brewing when I picked Jayna up from preschool yesterday … and I was right. Normally, when she comes out of the school and spots me, she screams my name gleefully and runs into my arms—you know, the same thing most people do when they see me. Yesterday, she lethargically plodded down the walkway toward me with nary a peep, and quietly put her head on my shoulder when I scooped her up. During the drive from the school to our daycare provider’s house, she almost drifted off to sleep. When we arrived, I carried… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 14 Comments

And the Academy Award for Best Parent in an Improv Performance While Operating an Automobile goes to …

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 13, 2009

Tuesday is my morning to chauffeur the lovely Miss Jayna to her nursery school, and doing so is always a bit of a crap shoot, because I never know which Jayna I’m going to get. Will it be the “Yay! School!” Jayna, or the “I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! [weeping and crying and screaming]” Jayna? This morning, it seemed to be the middle ground: she was neither psyched nor horrified by the prospect … and when your child is balancing between the realms of “Best Possible Outcome” and “Worst Possible Outcome,” ye must tread lightly and be on the… [read the rest]

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Peace out, 2008. Yo yo yo, 2009.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 5, 2009

According to a number of blogs and editorials I’ve come across in recent days, it is clear to me that most people want 2008 to go suck it, and were anxious to see the door hit it in the ass. At the risk of making you all wanna throw tomatoes at me, I gotta tell ya: I do not concur. Yes, the economy blows goats, but guess what? I was already broke! Suddenly, having practically no money invested in the stock market is a good thing. Yay, me! “You see, honey? I had it planned like this all along; thank… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Marriage, Politics | 11 Comments

Happy Holidays, Internet!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 22, 2008

At long last, here is the Christmas photo I mentioned a while back. And, as I also mentioned a while back, it is a truly hysterical photo, because, boy howdy, it—and I—did not look anywhere near that good in its original form. Which is not to say that I look all that great in the final product shown above, but goddamn, I was downright frightening in the original. And to prove to you, Internet, that I am willing to shun my own vanity in the name of good blogging, I give you the “before and after”: This was taken at… [read the rest]

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Hey, since we’re already lying to the kids anyway

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 11, 2008

… I’m running with it. The lying, that is … because, hell, isn’t that the premise upon which the entire Christmas season is built? I mean, really: a mythical guy who no one has ever seen, but who can see you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and knows if you’ve been bad or good, for goodness sake? Oh, and then there’s that Santa dude, too. I agree with those who say that children should learn the true meaning of Christmas, and not be taught to focus solely on a fantastical tale about a bearded fat guy in a… [read the rest]

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Did I mention that it was 19 degrees Fahrenheit in Boston the morning we left?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 1, 2008

It is downright amazing what you can discover during four full days away from your children. For example, my wife and I? Turns out we really do love each other, and we’d want to be together even if we didn’t have two kids and hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of debt listed under both of our names! It was sometime during day three or four of our recent vacation in Key West that we realized we hadn’t had a single quarrel or nasty word for each other since we left the house. This was noticeable only because of the… [read the rest]

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Because just getting stuff done isn’t difficult enough

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2008

What I want to say: “Zan, we’re going to go run a couple of errands and get our hair cut, OK,pal?” What I want to hear: “OK, Daddy.” BUT … when I say what I want to say, what I hear is: “NOOOOoOooOOoOoOoOooooo Daddyyyyyy!!!!!!” AND … after I say what I want to say, and hear what I don’t want to hear, I say: “Yes, we are.” A vigorous protest ensues, and Wonder Woman tells me that I’m going about it all wrong, because we have to approach things with our Explosive Child in a different manner than we would… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Zan | 8 Comments

Understanding the Economic Crisis, For Kids

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 23, 2008

Zan and I were in the playroom after dinner this evening, at which time the following exchange took place: “Zan, we need to clean up these Legos.” “Dad, I’m the sheriff. And you’re the sheriff, too. OK, Sheriff Jon?” “OK, Sheriff Zan. Hey, Sheriff Zan?” “Yes, Sheriff Jon?” “We need to clean up these Legos.” “But we have to pay money to clean up those Legos.” “We have to pay money to clean something up?” “Yeah, George Bush just made that up. Can you believe it?” I have no idea where he came up with that one, but how fitting.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Quoting Zan, Zan | 2 Comments

Her career in stand-up comedy is a lock

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 14, 2008

The children understand the call-response concept of the “knock-knock” joke, but the actual humor part? That escapes them. Here’s Jayna’s latest attempt, delivered while at the dinner table this evening: “Daddy, knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Knock knock.” “W h o i s t h e r e?” “Knock knock.” “W H O ’ S T H E R E?” “Apple in your underwear, I won’t get your orange juice!” Eat your heart out, Chris Rock.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 3 Comments

I do

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 9, 2008

Fifteen years ago this weekend, I went to a party thrown by a childhood friend of mine and, while there, struck up a conversation with this cute hippie chick in a black sweater and a flowery, ankle-length skirt, who, it turned out, had gone to college with my childhood friend. When I first saw her, she was sitting at a table by herself, and looked rather gypsy-like, so, being the suave, debonair guy I am, I decided to dazzle her with my razor-sharp wit. “Are you the palm reader?” I asked her. (Good stuff, right?) “Actually, I am learning to… [read the rest]

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Episode VII: Battle for the Bed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 8, 2008

It seemed like a simple enough thing: because he’s growing so fast, Zan’s fire-engine bed was well on its way to becoming Zan’s mini-barstool, so we needed to get him an actual twin bed. There were some constraints, however—the first of which was that it needed to be physically low enough to fit into the corner of his room, and the second of which was that it needed to be financially low enough to fit into our meager budget. Enter Ikea. Wonder Woman scoured their site and found a bed that satisfied both requirements. However, when we got to the… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Zan | 4 Comments

Next stop: Harvard

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 28, 2008

He can’t wait to go back tomorrow. Seriously, that’s what he said. Zan is a sensitive little guy, and, as I’ve mentioned in the past, he has a history of not being able to easily separate from us when it comes time for him to participate in a group activity. There was a time when it would have been easier for his mother to chew off her own leg with him still clinging to it than to convince him to jump in and join the other kids during [insert group activity here]. Many were the mornings when she had to… [read the rest]

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Is this really happening?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 26, 2008

This wall-mounted alphabet hangs in a classroom at an elementary school near our house. Supposedly, we have a child who is old enough to attend said elementary school, and who will, in fact, begin doing so Thursday. Also, who’s life is this? Yes, Zan begins kindergarten the day after tomorrow, and I am in disbelief about the whole thing. We attended a pre-first-day-of-school open house today, and there were all these kids who were Zan’s age in his kindergarten class, but there were also all these old people who actually have children who will be attending elementary school, and—holy shit!… [read the rest]

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Jayna: 3 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2008

Dear Jayna,

Ah, my little princess. My sweet, adorable, loving, incorrigible, stubborn, ear-splittingly loud little princess. Three years old—going on 16. Just as your brother’s transformation over the past year has been dramatic, so, too, has yours.… [read the rest]

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Zan: 5 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 11, 2008

Dear Zan,

My previous letter marked your fourth birthday, and in it I dedicated several gallons of cyber ink to detailing how overwhelmed by, underprepared for and genuinely concerned about your disposition I was. At the time, that disposition was characterized by a moodiness and an intensity that made me fear you were in for a rough, possibly less-than-happy childhood. Greater still was my fear that I was somehow failing at guiding you through some very choppy waters.

In the days and weeks leading up to your fifth birthday, you have mostly wiped those concerns from my mind …
… [read the rest]

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Jayna: 2 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 12, 2007

Dear Jayna,

Wow. My goodness, how you’ve changed since my previous letter to you. As I read that letter a moment ago and looked at the pictures that accompany it, I realized that you were still a baby back then; you are very much a little girl now.… [read the rest]

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Zan: 4 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 11, 2007

Dear Zan,

Where to begin? You have changed so much during the months since last I wrote. I just re-read my previous letter to you so as to have a reference point, and, while there are plenty of similarities between who you were then and who you are now, there are at least as many differences. It is amazing to see the boy you are today, four years on from the day you were born.… [read the rest]

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‘Tell me about your day, son … ’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 29, 2007

“Daddy, today, in the parking lot, we saw big, orange puke. For real.”… [read the rest]

Also posted in Quoting Zan, Zan | 1 Comment

A little post-election reflection

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 11, 2006

SCENE: Wednesday, Nov. 8, 2006, lunchtime, kitchen table. “Daddy, why were you dancing and clapping?” “Well, remember yesterday when you and Jayna went with me and Mommy to vote?” “Yeah.” “Well, the people who we voted for, and the people who we were hoping other people would vote for, got the most votes.” “… [blink] … ” “Because the good guys won and the bad guys lost, pal.” “All right! High-five, Daddy!”… [read the rest]

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Constipation, Day 4

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 16, 2006

Overheard just now … Zan: Mommy, I don’t want to poop on the potty. I want to poop in my pull-up. Mommy: Nope. You’re three now, and when you’re three, that means you need to go poop on the potty. Zan: Mommy, when am I gonna turn back into two?… [read the rest]

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Zan: 3 years 4 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 11, 2006

Dear Zan,

This is the first “monthly” letter I have written to you since the one about your third birthday, and, while there are a number of reasons for my lengthy hiatus, chief among them is this: had I written to you during the first few months of your life as a 3-year-old, my correspondence would have read something like “AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”… [read the rest]

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Zan: 3 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 20, 2006

Nine days ago, you turned three. I am just now writing about it, and the delay is due largely in part to us marking the milestone with not just a birthday celebration, but rather a birthweek extravaganza. You, in fact, were feted with not one, not two, but three—count ’em: three!—parties. I’m hoping it is only a coincidence that you had as many parties as the number of years being celebrated, and not the start of a tradition, because I don’t feel capable of keeping up with that past, say, three.… [read the rest]

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Canyons and cupcakes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 7, 2006

Six years ago, while living in Arizona, Wonder Woman and I celebrated her 30th birthday with a trip to the Grand Canyon. We camped out near the South Rim on Friday night, got up early Saturday morning, consumed roughly 25 million grams of carbohydrates and tackled a 12-mile roundtrip hike down Bright Angel Trail and back. That picture up there shows us at the 6-mile mark, a scenic stop known as Plateau Point, which is as far as you’re supposed to go if you’re not spending the night in the canyon. So, there we were. We had reached our destination.… [read the rest]

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How I love thee, frozen peas

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 3, 2006

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Marriage | 20 Comments

Safety 1st my ass

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 28, 2006

I am Daddy. Not only am I Daddy, but I am also Daddy the Ex-Military Police K-9 Handler, as well as The Person Who Is Smarter Than Everyone Else In the Room—two traits that inherently mean I can take care of “It,” whatever “It” might be.

I have been able to cloak myself in this delusion for years, and it has allowed me to chuckle and look with pity and scorn upon those among you who occasionally have found yourselves in laughably ridiculous situations from which you have had to be delivered by others who are apparently smarter and more levelheaded than you.

Well, even Superman has an Achilles Heel.… [read the rest]

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Jayna: 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 12, 2006

Confession: You and I got off to a bit of a bumpy start. I had forgotten how frequently difficult and unpleasant it can be to care for a newborn, and you reminded me in spades. I must admit, I far prefer having a walking, talking and often-humorous 2-year-old to having a 9-pound screaming/eating/pooping machine that sleeps in bite-sized portions and just WILL NOT STOP CRYING NO MATTER WHAT I DO.… [read the rest]

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Nine Inch Wiggles

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 22, 2006

See the guy in the middle up there with the big guns and the buzz cut? That’s Trent Reznor, the mastermind behind the industrial-rock juggernaut known as Nine Inch Nails. I am quite fond of Mr. Reznor and his music. (This is what we in the writing business refer to as “an understatement.”) His first two albums, “Pretty Hate Machine” and “Broken,” were the soundtrack to my early ’90s “Women were created by the Devil and he has instructed them to rip your still-beating heart from your chest, throw it to the floor and dance a little jig on it”… [read the rest]

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Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2006

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

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Zan: 2 years 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 11, 2006

Without going into detail, I will tell you that my part of your conception was fairly weird. It involved first being alone in a room at the doctor’s office, and then being fully clothed at the moment you were actually conceived. Not exactly the route I had hoped to take.… [read the rest]

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The Poop Chronicles

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 7, 2006

Last Friday, Wonder Woman and I were driving to Philadelphia. About two hours into the trip, my cell phone rang. The caller ID displayed our daycare provider’s phone number. She rarely ever calls. The last time she contacted me on my cell was to inform me that Zan had hurled all over her carpet and needed to be picked up. The words “Oh, shit” ran through my mind. As it turns out, I was sort of right. “Hi, Jon, it’s Kathy, everything’s fine.” Sign of a good daycare provider: preemptive inclusion of the phrase “Everything’s fine” in the first breath… [read the rest]

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Remember me?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 1, 2006

Q: Where the heck have you been for the past two weeks? You turned 36, and then fell off the face of the earth. What gives? A: Let me explain: The Universe did not respect my request to be spared the vomit bug that had previously felled my wife and son. I puked only once, but with enough ferocity and volume that I was certain my feet were going to come out of my mouth. The layer of dust blanketing everything in my office had become so deep that I could barely open the door, and the dumping station that… [read the rest]

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Quit yer bitchin’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 10, 2006

Me: Wahhhhh! Wonder Woman, Zan and Jayna each have a cough and the sniffles, and I think I might be coming down with the same! We’re sick! How tragic! [Tragedy becomes fodder for previous blog entry.] The Universe, after reading said blog entry: You call that sick? I’ll show you sick, bee-yatch. [Cut to Wonder Woman hunched over toilet, vomiting uncontrollably and repeatedly throughout the night. Roll montage of clips depicting an even-more-sleep-deprived-than-usual me trying to be Mr. Mom the remainder of that evening and the following day. Cue laugh track.] Me: Wow. I sure wish Wonder Woman had something… [read the rest]

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