Category Archives: Parenthood

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | Tagged | 43 Responses

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | Tagged | 48 Responses

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life | 6 Responses

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

An oldie but a goodie… Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna, Zan | Tagged | 26 Responses

Enter the Daddy

Jayna is friends with a girl in our neighborhood whose live-in grandmother is from China and speaks no English. Recently, I walked Jayna over to their house so that she could ask if her friend was able to come out and play. “Hi,” I said when the grandmother appeared at the screen door. She smiled and made a couple of sounds and gestures that I took to mean that Jayna’s friend was not at home. “Oh, she’s not home? Okay,” I said. The grandmother then made a couple more brief sounds and gestures that I took to mean that she… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Jayna | 18 Responses