Category Archives: Parenthood

A little post-election reflection

SCENE: Wednesday, Nov. 8, 2006, lunchtime, kitchen table. “Daddy, why were you dancing and clapping?” “Well, remember yesterday when you and Jayna went with me and Mommy to vote?” “Yeah.” “Well, the people who we voted for, and the people who we were hoping other people would vote for, got the most votes.” “… [blink] … ” “Because the good guys won and the bad guys lost, pal.” “All right! High-five, Daddy!”… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Politics | 1 Response

How I love thee, frozen peas

Dear Frozen Peas, Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed. Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming —… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Life, Marriage | 22 Responses

Safety 1st my ass

Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat

I am Daddy. Not only am I Daddy, but I am also Daddy the Ex-Military Police K-9 Handler, as well as The Person Who Is Smarter Than Everyone Else In the Room—two traits that inherently mean I can take care of “It,” whatever “It” might be.

I have been able to cloak myself in this delusion for years, and it has allowed me to chuckle and look with pity and scorn upon those among you who occasionally have found yourselves in laughably ridiculous situations from which you have had to be delivered by others who are apparently smarter and more levelheaded than you.

Well, even Superman has an Achilles Heel.… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Buffoonery, Jayna | 16 Responses

Nine Inch Wiggles

See the guy in the middle up there with the big guns and the buzz cut? That’s Trent Reznor, the mastermind behind the industrial-rock juggernaut known as Nine Inch Nails. I am quite fond of Mr. Reznor and his music. (This is what we in the writing business refer to as “an understatement.”) His first two albums, “Pretty Hate Machine” and “Broken,” were the soundtrack to my early ’90s “Women were created by the Devil and he has instructed them to rip your still-beating heart from your chest, throw it to the floor and dance a little jig on it”… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Music | Leave a comment

Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

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Also posted in Family, Marriage | Leave a comment