Super Bowl Fun Fact: That outfit Beyoncé had on? I’m wearing the same thing. Tough to walk in these shoes, but my ass looks spectacular. — Daddy Scratches (@DaddyScratches) February 4, 2013 What, you thought I was kidding? Awesome — and real — Beyonce images HERE.… [read the rest]
- Ratio of [Words he has said]:[Words she has said] = 1,00,000:1. Percentage of truly interesting, non-dorkish things he has said: 0.0% about 5 days ago
- If I was the woman on the 1st date next to me, I'd pretend I suddenly died just to get away from this spectacular dork of a man. about 5 days ago
- Did I ever tell you about the time I stopped writing & wasted my whole summer working on freelance web-dev jobs in my basement? Never again. about 5 days ago
- If I had a dime for every time I’ve told Siri to go fuck herself, I could almost afford this iPhone. about 3 weeks ago
- 1.) I hate & suck at cooking. 2.) Serious question: Does the preheat light usually come on for "Broil"? 3.) See #1 https://t.co/WVfZNR4ZwU about 1 month ago
Daddy on the Go
- I've narrowly cheated death yet again
- Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”
- A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf
- Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery Rhyme
- Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector
- Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you
- The time I almost became a highly paid insurance mascot.
- The time I committed the most embarrassing social gaffe in the history of embarrassing social gaffes.
- The time I did my best to completely sabotage a dream vacation.
- The time I finally used my passport.
- The time I got a vasectomy.
- The time I nearly burned down my house.
- The time I built a car … I mean, a high-tech doorstop.
- The time I was forced to deal with an incontinent doll.
- The time I couldn't free my daughter from a bath seat in which she had become trapped.
- The time I hung out with Van Halen.
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- john: It is a sad commentary when the appearance of one’s house is a subject for bullying and shaming. This...
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- This one hurts
- And then I went outside to shovel and never came back
- “10 Years a Blogger” (which seemed like a catchy title when I first thought of it, but then I realized that’s because it’s reminiscent of “12 Years a Slave” … which I never saw, but I assume it’s about slavery … and, other than the pay, blogging has nothing in common with slavery … the latter of which is neither a funny topic, nor anything to make light of … and I should probably just stop talking now)
- Jury unanimously rules in favor of enraged father who used controversial “Star Wars”-spoiler defense in the beating death of his 12-year-old son’s dickhead classmate
- Star Wars: The Dork Awakens
- I was going to be a successful writer but then A.D.D. and Facebook and what the fuck were we just talking about?
- Dear Interstate 95: Please stop being an asshole.
- I have many important updates for you … minus “many” and “important.”