Category Archives: Zan

A note to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 20, 2011

Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display the two of you put… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood | 22 Comments

Note to self: Chill the fuck out.

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 5, 2011

I know it will shock you to hear this, so brace yourself: The intensity of my neuroses and anxiety and heightened state of worryfulness (… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 19 Comments

Tip for brain-dead, childless hairdressers everywhere: When an 8-year-old tells you to make him look like a death-row inmate, check with his parents first

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 21, 2011

Listen, when you get right down to it, the whole thing was my fault. I know this, OK? But that still doesn’t change the fact that the hairdresser was a brain-dead fuckwit. You see, Zan and I get our haircuts together. When we lived in Massachusetts, we had a specific woman whom we went to exclusively for six years, and we since have replaced her with a suitable Pennsylvanian counterpart. And because the same woman always cuts our hair, she knows how we want it done, thus negating the need for me to instruct her about what to do with… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 26 Comments

Zan: 8 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 23, 2011

Dear Zan,

Congratulations on surviving the most bat-shit crazy year of your life!… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 24 Comments

An open letter to my son, whom I recently thought was totally going to get his ass whupped by a girl

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 26, 2011

Dear Zan, For a few moments this past weekend, I was fairly certain that, through no fault of your own, you were about to get your ass thoroughly kicked by a girl. But let’s back up a bit. A week ago this past Saturday, you had your first wrestling meet, and I am forever scarred by this experience, because it turns out that it is terribly unnerving to watch your 7-year-old son fighting for his life. To be completely honest, I’d rather you weren’t participating in this sport. I think it is way too intense for someone your age. Of… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 26 Comments

Zan: 7 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: July 15, 2010

Dear Zan,

Seeing as how your sister turned five a few days ago, I figured I should finally write the letter I’ve been planning to write you since your birthday last month. Sorry, dude; through no fault of your own, your seventh birthday took place smack dab in the midst of The Great Clusterf**k of 2010 (and please note my use of not just one, but two asterisks back there … because I am a responsible parent who believes blatant use of the “F” word should be avoided when writing to a 7-year-old. Take that, people who think I’m not fit to raise children!).… [read the rest]

Posted in Zan | 10 Comments

It’s a good thing I’m so naturally crafty and handy and oh wait no I’m not

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 29, 2010

It was supposed to be so simple: take the little block of wood, cut it into a car-like shape, slap some paint on it, attach the wheels, ta-dah, done, finished, no sweat. Of course, when it comes to me, nothing is simple … particularly a pseudo-carpentry project. You need a Pinewood Derby website? Well, hot damn: I’m your man. I can code the living shit out of your Pinewood Derby website. You need me to make a functional Pinewood Derby car out of a block of wood? Yeah? How ’bout I just conjure up some fucking unicorns for you while… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 24 Comments

And if this doesn’t work, I’ve got a lead on a witch doctor

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 7, 2010

Shortly after I turned 30 (you know, roughly a decade ago… and, yeah, there’s a thought that really cheers me up, thanks!), I climbed into bed one night with a book that I had seen lying around the house for at least a year or so: “Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood through Adulthood.” I assumed that it was just another of the many clinical books that Wonder Woman had accumulated as a result of her social-work career, but I had been on the receiving end of a number of ADD jokes over the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 27 Comments

So now I’m the unwitting poster child for why people shouldn’t have children?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 12, 2009

About four months ago, I tried to sell my kids. Except, not really. Over the weekend, I noticed a spike in traffic to the “Kids for Sale” blog entry, and subsequently discovered that it was coming from HappilyChildFree.com and Childfreedom.com, two sites that apparently are kind of like support groups for people who have decided to not have children. “Here is some mandatory reading for anyone considering having kids!” wrote the author of Happily Childfree. “I know he thinks this is funny, but the fact that most of it is true kinda makes it scary.” Let’s get something straight, Happily… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Marriage, Parenthood | Comments closed

The Cruel Shoes

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 29, 2009

See those shoes? If you have young children, you’re probably quite familiar with them. If not: they’re called Crocs … and everyone loves Crocs. Crocs rock. Except, c’mere and I’ll tell you a little secret: I think they suck, and I rue the day my children fell in love with them. I don’t call them Crocs; I call them Trips … because I have watched my children trip and fall in them so many times — particularly Zan, who isn’t the most graceful or coordinated dude in the vicinity to begin with — that one would think I walked around… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood | 48 Comments

Pay no attention to that safer vaccine behind the curtain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 17, 2009

So I took the kids to get their flu shots yesterday, and it sucked. The End. Seriously, need I say more? I mean, if you’ve ever had to take your kids to get a flu shot — or any shot, for that matter — you know the deal: shot = sucks. The End. But, of course, that’s not The End, is it? No, certainly not … for I must entertain and astound you, and, with any luck, make you regurgitate your beverage through your nose. So … When Wonder Woman informed me that she had a work commitment Wednesday evening,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood | 31 Comments

Comin’ down the mountain

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 9, 2009

After inadvertently helping my kids to determine that nature sucks, I, in the hopes of not ending our mini-vacation on a sour note, pointed the car north, and, a short while later, arrived at Attitash ski resort — which, during the off-season, it turns out, is converted into a summer playground. The main attraction? An alpine slide that, according to the resort’s website, is the longest in all of North America. Now, not only had Zan and Jayna never been on an alpine slide; I’d never been on one, either. (Wonder Woman claims to have gone on one as a… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Parenthood | 15 Comments

Look at all the gorgeous wonders of nature, kids! Kids? Hello?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 4, 2009

Travel tip for all you parents out there: If you’d like to take your kids on a nature hike to see a spectacular waterfall in the mountains, don’t do it less than 24 hours after taking them to an enormous amusement park, because if you do, your kids will tell nature to go suck it. Yes, the morning after we went to Story Land, the weather again was beautiful, and seeing as how we were in the White Mountains and all, we decided we should take in some of the natural splendor of the region … so we checked out… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Parenthood | 14 Comments

Quest for Fun

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 1, 2009

Sorry for the delay getting this entry up, but I had to wait for John Travolta to swing by my place and stab me in the heart with an enormous, adrenaline-filled syringe … because I overdosed on fun this weekend. (Sunday and Monday, actually, but “I overdosed on fun this past Sunday and Monday” doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely as “weekend,” so I took a little poetic license back there. My blog, my rules.) Yes, Wonder Woman and I took the kids on an adventure of epic proportions — a 33-hour bonanza packed with more fun and… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 19 Comments

Do the chickens have large talons?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 27, 2009

A few months ago, I was all “Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot!” And you loved it. (At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.) Now, if you’ll please indulge me once more, I’m going to go all “Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot, Chickenfoot!” on you again … but, after this entry, you probably won’t have to hear about them for a while, because Chad, their drummer, will soon head into the studio to record a new album with his main group, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and when that happens, I fear that Chickenfoot won’t ride again for quite some time. So. Chickenfoot came to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Music, Van Halen | 20 Comments

My Summer Vacation, Part II

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 12, 2009

By the time our frantic quest to keep Zan’s bladder from exploding led us to a horse ranch in the Bronx (I swear to god), we were about seven hours into our 2007 journey home from Delaware — and I had decreed that I would never again consent to a family roadtrip longer than that required to fetch milk from the local grocery. But there I go, jumping ahead again. (And since some of you voiced your disappointment that my previous entry wasn’t more substantial, do get comfortable, because there are roughly 2,000 words in your immediate future.) In July… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family, Jayna, Life, Marriage, Parenthood | 16 Comments

Triple threat

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 5, 2009

I gotta tell ya, folks … that son o’ mine? A real chip off the ol’ block. I mean, look at him; kid’s a friggin’ stud. Of course, when I was his age, I, too, was quite the little athlete. Organized sports? Couldn’t get enough. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone to learn that he now officially is a three-sport athlete. That is, it shouldn’t surprise anyone who didn’t know me as a child, and therefore isn’t aware of the fact that, in my youth, my interest in sports—whether participating in them or watching them—actually was right up there with my… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 7 Comments

Playdate

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 22, 2009

Overheard just now: Zan: My Dad knows more about baseball than anybody. He knows balls and strikes and everything. Friend: Oh yeah? Well, my Dad knows Terry Francona and all the Red Sox. Zan: Yeah, well, do you know about concerts? After concerts, my Dad gets to go backstage.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 12 Comments

Zan: 6 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 12, 2009

Dear Zan, You had another birthday yesterday, and I won’t even try to pretend that I’m not totally freaked out by the fact that you’re six all of a sudden. As your mother has been saying (and I concur), your sixth birthday is far more jarring to her and me than were our own recent 39th birthdays. When I wrote the headline for this letter, I initially wrote “Zan: 5 years” … and it is not the first time in recent days that I have, for a brief moment, inadvertently thought to myself that you would be turning five this… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 16 Comments

New birthday rule

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 10, 2009

Six years ago right now, Wonder Woman and I were spending our last night in bed as a childless couple. Earlier in the day, we had gone to an acupuncturist in the hopes that turning Wonder Woman into a human pin cushion would kick-start her labor. She was almost a full two weeks past her due date, and the midwives were only going to let her go another day or two before advising that she be induced at the hospital—which we wanted to avoid, because we both subscribed to the belief that the baby would come out when it was… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 12 Comments

Bad parenting 101

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 4, 2009

The morning following the Chickenfoot concert, Wonder Woman and I, after being all cool and fun and lovey-dovey during our big night out, woke up feeling like a couple of rabid porcupines. This is how the 6 a.m. – 8 a.m. hours went at Casa de Scratches: Me: “Morning bad. BAD! GRRRR!” Her: “Work! Kids! Much stress! Need help!” Me: “Skip work. Less stress. GRRRR!” Her: “CAN’T SKIP WORK! YOU’RE NO HELP!” Me: “GRRRR! MORNING! BLARRRRRGGHHHH!! [obscene gesture]” Her: “RIGHT BACK AT YOU! RAWRRR!” Sorta like that. She was planning to take Zan to school, Jayna to gymnastics and daycare,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Marriage, Parenthood | 14 Comments

Totally Tweaked-Out Tuesday, Part 1

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 27, 2009

I know we’ve already discussed how crazy Tuesdays are over here at Casa de Scratches (more than once, in fact), but holy halmalagueña, yesterday was epic. First, we … wait, I can’t even remember. It all started about 40 hours ago, but as I try to recall the first few of those hours right now, it feels like I’m attempting to dredge something up from the mid-’70s. Oh yeah, that’s right: Wonder Woman took Zan to school, and I played with Jayna for a bit until it came time for me to chauffeur her to preschool—which, I must confess, has… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 12 Comments

Having a ball (which, I’m sure you’ll agree, seems much more wholesome than my first two choices: ‘Balls’ and ‘My kid’s got balls’)

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 19, 2009

Have I mentioned that I’m coaching tee-ball? What? Oh, c’mon, now you’re just exaggerating. “A million times”? I don’t think so. You’re such a drama queen. Sheesh. Well, in any case, I’m still coaching tee-ball. Last night, we had our first 5 p.m. game, and thank sweet Jesus, because all of our previous Monday-night games have been at 6:15 p.m., and here’s the thing about playing a tee-ball game at 6:15 p.m.: it is wayyyy too late a time at which to start an activity for 5- and 6-year-old kids on a school night … especially when one 5-year-old—the coach’s… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 7 Comments

Smooth Like Your Mother

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 11, 2009

That was the name of a band in which a college classmate of mine played … which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this post, except that it’s almost midnight and I’m falling asleep where I sit and I couldn’t think of a remotely witty title with the word “Mother” in it, so I went with what you see above. Moving on … In May of 2003, when Wonder Woman was out to HERE with our first child, and we were knee-deep in maniacally idyllic visions of a swaddled cherub nursing effortlessly and sleeping soundly for 12-to-14 hours-per-day, we… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Life, Marriage, Parenthood | 16 Comments

Daddy Coaches

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 29, 2009

Hey, everybody! So, yesterday was the first tee-ball game of the season, and I gotta tell ya— [Ring-ring ... ring-ring ... ring-ring] Oh, excuse me for a moment; I have to take this call. Hello? This is him. Who? Theo? Seriously? You what? Really? Well, um, yes, I’d love to! Thanks so much! OK, great! See you at Fenway next week! Wow! That was Theo Epstein, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox. He wants me in the dugout for the team’s next home series. Seems the word is out about what a stellar coaching job I did with Game… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Red Sox | 5 Comments

It’s all downhill from here

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 27, 2009

Scene: Zan, outside, dribbling and shooting a basketball. Ball bounces back and strikes him in the crotch. Zan: “Ouch!” Jayna: “What happened, Zan?” Zan: “The ball just hit me in the penis … which some people call a ‘wiener.’” And so intensifies the outside world’s poisoning of my child. Homeschooling is beginning to seem very attractive. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Pioneer Woman. Any room on the ranch?)… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Quoting Zan | 9 Comments

A week between entries? Way to keep people interested, dummy

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 23, 2009

Jesus Christ, can somebody open some windows in here? Talk about stuffy. Place smells like a morgue. Whew. Sorry ’bout that. So, yes, I’m back from my weeklong semi-hiatus, and much love to you the faithful who have continued to return, day in, day out, to see if I’ve gotten off my ass and written something for you, only to find that I sucked, and hadn’t. (Which reminds me: Hi! Have you met my sort-of-daily Photo of the Day-ish feature? It usually comprises not only a breathtaking piece of photographic brilliance, but also some elegant, witty and wonderful prose relating… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Life, Parenthood | 15 Comments

That big circle I just leapt out of? Yeah, that was my comfort zone

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 14, 2009

There was a moment during my first few horrific days of Army basic training when it occurred to me that I, shithead extraordinaire, was the one who volunteered to be there, and that the misery I was experiencing as a result of being there was, therefore, in the words of the great Robert Plant, “na-na-na-na-na-na-na-noooooobody’s fault but mine.” I experienced a similar epiphany yesterday when I found myself standing in the middle of a baseball diamond coaching 11 youngsters during their first tee-ball practice. When I got backed into coaching Zan’s tee-ball team last year, I only coached the actual… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 13 Comments

Happy Easter

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2009

Jayna’s no dummy; never trust a guy in a giant bunny suit, and make sure your big brother keeps him away from you.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 11 Comments

Play ball (maybe)!

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 6, 2009

And now the baseball talk shall commence … and because I have a gazillion female readers and, like, two male readers, I am hopeful that there are lots and lots of ladies out there who enjoy the game, for, if not, I fear that, in the weeks and months ahead, the traffic to this here blog is going to dry up and blow away like a tumbleweed. Big day over here at Casa de Scratches. BIG. MUY GRANDE (possibly). It’s opening day for the Red Sox (perhaps) … which is a big deal to us ’round these parts. We loves… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood, Red Sox | 17 Comments

The Worst Daddy in the World

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 10, 2009

That’s me, baby. All you other daddies out there who thought you were the worst? IN YOUR FACE! YEAH! This distinction wasn’t bestowed upon me during an official awards ceremony, and, as far as I know, there isn’t actually a trophy or plaque or certificate that I can use to proudly display this honor, but it is a noteworthy accomplishment, nonetheless. I had a hunch that I was a serious contender for Worst Daddy in the World, because, yesterday afternoon, while Wonder Woman was at a doctor’s appointment, I overheard Zan and Jayna having a candid discussion about me. “And… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood | 29 Comments

A real prick

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 4, 2009

We’re in the midst of an economic crisis, and two wars, and there are droughts and disease and famine happening around the globe … and yet, I still am able to get disproportionately annoyed by the little things that go wrong during the course of the day. Here, let me tell you about one such thing—and let me take my damn sweet time getting to the thing itself, because it’s all about the journey, not the destination, am I right? Wonder Woman had a work commitment this afternoon and evening, so I was home with the kids, who were delightful.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Buffoonery, Parenthood | 20 Comments

Ski report

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 17, 2009

This past weekend marked the one-year anniversary of the first time my mother rented a house in the White Mountains, which means it also marked the one-year anniversary of our first attempt at strapping a pair of skis on Zan and getting him to take his first lesson. On that first occasion, he seemed interested in the concept until it came time for us to send him off with the instructors and other students, at which point he melted a gaping hole in the mountainside and made it clear that the parents-can’t-stay-with-you ski lesson was not going to be happening,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna, Parenthood | 15 Comments

Black and white

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 21, 2009

In the midst of all the excitement and most-welcome history-making that has taken place this week, I saw a little more of my son’s innocence slip away, and I’m grappling with how to feel about it. Zan brought home from kindergarten a few days ago a picture he drew of Martin Luther King Jr. standing at a podium giving his “I Have a Dream” speech, something his teacher had shown the students on the classroom’s SMART Board (which so kicks the ass of those antiquated old chalkboards we had as kids—you know, back in the late 1900s … and, hey,… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 12 Comments

Because just getting stuff done isn’t difficult enough

By Daddy Scratches | Published: November 9, 2008

What I want to say: “Zan, we’re going to go run a couple of errands and get our hair cut, OK,pal?” What I want to hear: “OK, Daddy.” BUT … when I say what I want to say, what I hear is: “NOOOOoOooOOoOoOoOooooo Daddyyyyyy!!!!!!” AND … after I say what I want to say, and hear what I don’t want to hear, I say: “Yes, we are.” A vigorous protest ensues, and Wonder Woman tells me that I’m going about it all wrong, because we have to approach things with our Explosive Child in a different manner than we would… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 8 Comments

Understanding the Economic Crisis, For Kids

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 23, 2008

Zan and I were in the playroom after dinner this evening, at which time the following exchange took place: “Zan, we need to clean up these Legos.” “Dad, I’m the sheriff. And you’re the sheriff, too. OK, Sheriff Jon?” “OK, Sheriff Zan. Hey, Sheriff Zan?” “Yes, Sheriff Jon?” “We need to clean up these Legos.” “But we have to pay money to clean up those Legos.” “We have to pay money to clean something up?” “Yeah, George Bush just made that up. Can you believe it?” I have no idea where he came up with that one, but how fitting.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Quoting Zan | 2 Comments

Alternate ending

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 20, 2008

CUT! CUT CUT CUUUUUT! OK, c’mere. Do you see this script? Do you? Look right here, genius: “The Boston Red Sox, who were down three games to one and came within seven outs of being eliminated, complete yet another stunning and historic comeback to claim the 2008 American League pennant; World Series starts at Fenway Wednesday night. ROLL CREDITS.” Now, listen, jackass—who are you again? Tampa who? Tampa Bay? And you think you can just waltz in here and start ad-libbing? I don’t think so! Why not? Well, not that I owe you an explanation, Mr. Johnny Come Lately Tampa… [read the rest]

Also posted in Red Sox | 5 Comments

The Tenth Man

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 18, 2008

Second greatest comeback in postseason history … and you all have me to thank for it. It was the fifth inning and the Sox were getting blanked, 5-0. It was a funeral. Sox hitters looked like zombies, and Sox pitchers were helping the Rays hold an impromptu home-run derby. The TBS announcers had shovels in hand and were tossing dirt on top of the almost-closed coffin. Wonder Woman had seen enough. “I’m going to bed,” she said. “I’m sorry honey,” she added, trying to comfort me as my team rolled over and played dead. And then I had an epiphany:… [read the rest]

Also posted in Red Sox | 6 Comments

Episode VII: Battle for the Bed

By Daddy Scratches | Published: September 8, 2008

It seemed like a simple enough thing: because he’s growing so fast, Zan’s fire-engine bed was well on its way to becoming Zan’s mini-barstool, so we needed to get him an actual twin bed. There were some constraints, however—the first of which was that it needed to be physically low enough to fit into the corner of his room, and the second of which was that it needed to be financially low enough to fit into our meager budget. Enter Ikea. Wonder Woman scoured their site and found a bed that satisfied both requirements. However, when we got to the… [read the rest]

Also posted in Life, Parenthood | 4 Comments

Next stop: Harvard

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 28, 2008

He can’t wait to go back tomorrow. Seriously, that’s what he said. Zan is a sensitive little guy, and, as I’ve mentioned in the past, he has a history of not being able to easily separate from us when it comes time for him to participate in a group activity. There was a time when it would have been easier for his mother to chew off her own leg with him still clinging to it than to convince him to jump in and join the other kids during [insert group activity here]. Many were the mornings when she had to… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | Leave a comment

Is this really happening?

By Daddy Scratches | Published: August 26, 2008

This wall-mounted alphabet hangs in a classroom at an elementary school near our house. Supposedly, we have a child who is old enough to attend said elementary school, and who will, in fact, begin doing so Thursday. Also, who’s life is this? Yes, Zan begins kindergarten the day after tomorrow, and I am in disbelief about the whole thing. We attended a pre-first-day-of-school open house today, and there were all these kids who were Zan’s age in his kindergarten class, but there were also all these old people who actually have children who will be attending elementary school, and—holy shit!… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 2 Comments

Zan: 5 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 11, 2008

Dear Zan,

My previous letter marked your fourth birthday, and in it I dedicated several gallons of cyber ink to detailing how overwhelmed by, underprepared for and genuinely concerned about your disposition I was. At the time, that disposition was characterized by a moodiness and an intensity that made me fear you were in for a rough, possibly less-than-happy childhood. Greater still was my fear that I was somehow failing at guiding you through some very choppy waters.

In the days and weeks leading up to your fifth birthday, you have mostly wiped those concerns from my mind …
… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | Leave a comment

The Silly Mud Pig

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 10, 2008

A Story Written By [Zan's Preschool] Class [Zan's sentence bolded below.] Once upon a time, there was a pig named Muddy. He gets mud all over himself and every place he went, even his eyeball. He liked to dance in mud. He wore a Red Sox shirt, but he ate it. He missed his favorite subject, LUNCH! He ate spaghetti and meatballs. He had a little elf pet that ran away to get healthy food, but he came back and the pig took good care of him. Muddy went away and painted a rainbow. Muddy got paint all over himself… [read the rest]

Posted in Zan | Leave a comment

Teenage Mutant Ninja Kiddos

By Daddy Scratches | Published: December 10, 2007

My nephew, Max, has gotten my son hooked on the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”—and I’d pause here to tell you how opposed I am to polluting Zan’s brain with garbage such as “TMNT,” but that ship has sailed, and I lost that battle long ago; apparently, objecting to violent children’s programs, toy weapons and violence-laced games places me in the minority—so, in the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” category, I put my photo-illustration skills to use to delight Zan and Max by placing them alongside their mutated heroes. Voila:… [read the rest]

Also posted in Family | Leave a comment

Zan: 4 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 11, 2007

Dear Zan,

Where to begin? You have changed so much during the months since last I wrote. I just re-read my previous letter to you so as to have a reference point, and, while there are plenty of similarities between who you were then and who you are now, there are at least as many differences. It is amazing to see the boy you are today, four years on from the day you were born.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 1 Comment

‘Tell me about your day, son … ’

By Daddy Scratches | Published: January 29, 2007

“Daddy, today, in the parking lot, we saw big, orange puke. For real.”… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Quoting Zan | 1 Comment

Constipation, Day 4

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 16, 2006

Overheard just now … Zan: Mommy, I don’t want to poop on the potty. I want to poop in my pull-up. Mommy: Nope. You’re three now, and when you’re three, that means you need to go poop on the potty. Zan: Mommy, when am I gonna turn back into two?… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood, Quoting Zan | 1 Comment

Zan: 3 years 4 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: October 11, 2006

Dear Zan,

This is the first “monthly” letter I have written to you since the one about your third birthday, and, while there are a number of reasons for my lengthy hiatus, chief among them is this: had I written to you during the first few months of your life as a 3-year-old, my correspondence would have read something like “AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | 4 Comments

Zan: 3 years

By Daddy Scratches | Published: June 20, 2006

Nine days ago, you turned three. I am just now writing about it, and the delay is due largely in part to us marking the milestone with not just a birthday celebration, but rather a birthweek extravaganza. You, in fact, were feted with not one, not two, but three—count ’em: three!—parties. I’m hoping it is only a coincidence that you had as many parties as the number of years being celebrated, and not the start of a tradition, because I don’t feel capable of keeping up with that past, say, three.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Parenthood | Leave a comment

Zan: 2 years 11 months,
Jayna: 10 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: May 15, 2006

It has been an eventful month, kids … so much so that I am again writing you a combined letter—a format I may just stick with from here on out. You were born on the 11th and 12th days of your respective birth months, and writing separate, lengthy, back-to-back missives is proving to be a challenge for me. So challenging, in fact, that, not only am I combining this month’s letters—I am also writing to you four days after Zan’s monthly milestone and three days after Jayna’s. (I’d like to be more punctual, but raising you keeps getting in the way of writing about raising you. It’s really annoying. I think you should start fending for yourselves more.)
… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | 5 Comments

Zan: 2 years 10 months 1 day,
Jayna: 9 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: April 12, 2006

Zan, April '06

Jayna, April '06

You’re getting a combined letter this month, kiddies. Why? Well, because I had planned to write Zan’s yesterday, but I instead had to take care of Zan while mommy took Jayna to the doctor’s office, and then had to meet mommy and Jayna at the hospital when the doctor sent them to the emergency room. Oh yes, good times, my children. Good times. And the hits just keep on comin’.… [read the rest]

Also posted in Jayna | Leave a comment

Zan: 2 years 9 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: March 11, 2006

So young, and yet you already have a girlfriend. Fortunately, she’s only a cartoon. Yes, you are mildly obsessed with a little Latina girl named Dora who has taken over Casa de Scratches as of late.… [read the rest]

Posted in Zan | 1 Comment

Zan: 2 years 8 months

By Daddy Scratches | Published: February 11, 2006

Without going into detail, I will tell you that my part of your conception was fairly weird. It involved first being alone in a room at the doctor’s office, and then being fully clothed at the moment you were actually conceived. Not exactly the route I had hoped to take.… [read the rest]