Please don’t make me stab you.

OK, LISTEN UP PEOPLE:

Remember when I asked you to “Like” that photo last week so I could go to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash and you blew me off? Well, I lost by TWO “LIKE”s … and it’s ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! No, really, look:

jasonFB

And then I did the Ugly Cry.

BUT NOW YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT!

There’s a NEW contest … and I need you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click on the photo below, and then click “Like” on the photo itself. And then “Share” the photo with everyone you know and have THEM “Like” it! (Please note: I don’t need you to “Like” this post that I’ve written here; you have to click on the photo first, then “Like” the actual photo. And you have to be logged into Facebook for it to work. And you have to sacrifice a virgin chicken at high noon. OK, that last part isn’t true … but I know what I’m asking you to do is a pain in the ass, so I just wanted to point out that it could be worse.)

(NOTE: If you see a message above that says “This Facebook post is no longer available,” it just means that you’re not currently logged into Facebook. If you click HERE, a new window will open up where you can log into Facebook. Once you do so, the photo should appear in that same window so that you can “Like” it.)

Look, next week is my 44th birthday. Wanna do something nice for an old person? Then “Like” & “Share” the photo! It takes two seconds! I mean, seriously: You’d have to be a mean-spirited douche who hates puppies and children to NOT do this for me.

Yes, I’m fucking begging you. Do you want me to end up in a psych ward, all hopped up on lithium, drooling on myself while muttering “I almost won”? I didn’t think so. Therefore, “Like” & “Share.” The sooner I win tickets, the sooner I can stop humiliating myself with this pathetic begging and campaigning … and the sooner I can get back to writing something that’s actually entertaining. Basically, you’ll be helping YOU by doing this for ME, see? So help ME help YOU!

(Also, FYI: The “Peace & Love” thing is an ongoing joke on the Howard Stern Show, not some random, drug-induced hallucination I had. I don’t do drugs … but I’m going to start doing them if I lose this contest. Basically, if you choose not to help me win, you’ll be making my kids the children of a drug addict. I know you don’t want that on your conscience … so just “Like” the damn photo!)

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Posted in Embarrassing, Howard Stern | 7 Responses

UPDATED: If you’ve ever wondered what my wife and I would look like if we disguised ourselves as Robin Quivers and Howard Stern, this post is for you. And by “you” I mean “no one” … because none of you have ever wondered that.

OK, so here’s the deal: I’m a HUGE Howard Stern fan. And, yes, I know that some of you just went “Me too!” and that others of you just threw up in your mouths a little bit … so to the latter group, I say this: Pretend this post is about baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that I’m a HUGE fan of baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that the picture below is of my wife and me rescuing baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws, mkay?

I need you to please “Like” the photo below so that Wonder Woman and I can go party with Howard Stern save more baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws. (For the technologically challenged: I don’t need you to click the “Like” button at the end of this blog post; I need you to click the “Like” link directly beneath the photo of Wonder Woman and me dressed like Robin Quivers and Howard Stern saving those adorable baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws.) Also, if you’re feeling really magnanimous, you could “Share” the photo with your Facebook friends by — you guessed it — clicking the “Share” link beneath the photo.

The more “Like”s and “Share”s this photo gets by tomorrow (Friday) morning at 10 a.m. Eastern Time, the better the odds are of me winning tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash in New York City later this month … an experience I will then write about for you. So think of it like this: by “Like”-ing the photo below, you are investing in an upcoming blog post that is sure to delight you … or possibly sicken you. One of those. Maybe both. Either way, it sounds like a win-win to me.

(UPDATE: Apparently, when you click on the “Like” link above, it opens the photo in a new Facebook window, where you should then click the “Like” button. Also: If, instead of seeing the photo above, you see a message that says “This Facebook post is no longer available,” there are two things you need to know: 1.) Facebook is a filthy fucking liar, and 2.) you aren’t currently logged into Facebook. If you click HERE and log into Facebook, you should then be able to see the photo, and you can then click the “Like” button that appears with the photo. Because all of that isn’t too much of a pain in the ass, am I right? And after you do all of that, please swing by and clean my house. And change my oil. And cook dinner. Thanks.)

Yes, I know I’m begging you to “Like” a Facebook post … which, I admit, is both pathetic and embarrassing … but take another look at the photo above — or, hell, read any one of the painfully pathetic and embarrassing stories I’ve written on this blog over the past eight years — and then ask yourself if I’m a man who gives a fuck about seeming pathetic or embarrassing himself. Exactly.

Also, that reminds me: I launched this blog eight years ago yesterday. So, Happy Birthday, blog! And Happy New Year to you guys. Thanks for coming here and reading my stuff. I appreciate it.

And, just for the record (and because I know you need something to help wash from your brain the image of my wife and me dressed as Robin and Howard), here’s what we look like these days:

IMG_3758
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Posted in Embarrassing, Howard Stern | 11 Responses

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

You would think there’d be no need for me to do something like this in an adults-only, professional, key-card-protected work environment.

You would be wrong.

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

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Posted in Cubicle | 7 Responses

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Spreading holiday cheer to Yankees fans everywhere!

Your holiday gift from me this year? Me reminding you that I’m not dead yet. Yes, I know you’ve been led to believe otherwise, but you see … oh, blah blah blah. Who the hell wants to listen to yet another blogger whine about why they haven’t been blogging? No one, that’s who.

Let’s just skip to the part where I say “I hope and plan to do better in the coming year.” Because I do and I do. Parts 3-through-whatever of my California story? They’re coming. So are the long-overdue birthday letters to my kiddos. And after that? A veritable tsunami of hilarious-yet-poignant tales about a middle-aged dude trying desperately to escape from a cubicle farm.

In the meantime, I hope you and yours have a great holiday!

-DS

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Boston Strong

Starting with our February visit to Spring Training …

Scratches Family @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Jayna w/ Mike Napoli
Zan w/ Mike Napoli
Me & Jayna playing catch at Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Big Papi @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Jared Saltalamacchia @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Shane Victorino @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Zan & Jayna at Red Sox Spring Training Camp

… all the way to Game 6 of the World Series …

Ready for battle. GO SOX!
Ready for battle. GO SOX!
IMG_0916
WORLD SERIES CHAMPS! #RedSox
Basking in the glow of a World Series win

… (and the morning after) …

Zan celebrates the Red Sox' 2013 World Series win

… it was one hell of a fun season … and we enjoyed every minute of it.

Thank you, Red Sox!

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