UPDATED: If you’ve ever wondered what my wife and I would look like if we disguised ourselves as Robin Quivers and Howard Stern, this post is for you. And by “you” I mean “no one” … because none of you have ever wondered that.

OK, so here’s the deal: I’m a HUGE Howard Stern fan. And, yes, I know that some of you just went “Me too!” and that others of you just threw up in your mouths a little bit … so to the latter group, I say this: Pretend this post is about baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that I’m a HUGE fan of baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that the picture below is of my wife and me rescuing baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws, mkay?

I need you to please “Like” the photo below so that Wonder Woman and I can go party with Howard Stern save more baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws. (For the technologically challenged: I don’t need you to click the “Like” button at the end of this blog post; I need you to click the “Like” link directly beneath the photo of Wonder Woman and me dressed like Robin Quivers and Howard Stern saving those adorable baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws.) Also, if you’re feeling really magnanimous, you could “Share” the photo with your Facebook friends by — you guessed it — clicking the “Share” link beneath the photo.

The more “Like”s and “Share”s this photo gets by tomorrow (Friday) morning at 10 a.m. Eastern Time, the better the odds are of me winning tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash in New York City later this month … an experience I will then write about for you. So think of it like this: by “Like”-ing the photo below, you are investing in an upcoming blog post that is sure to delight you … or possibly sicken you. One of those. Maybe both. Either way, it sounds like a win-win to me.

(UPDATE: Apparently, when you click on the “Like” link above, it opens the photo in a new Facebook window, where you should then click the “Like” button. Also: If, instead of seeing the photo above, you see a message that says “This Facebook post is no longer available,” there are two things you need to know: 1.) Facebook is a filthy fucking liar, and 2.) you aren’t currently logged into Facebook. If you click HERE and log into Facebook, you should then be able to see the photo, and you can then click the “Like” button that appears with the photo. Because all of that isn’t too much of a pain in the ass, am I right? And after you do all of that, please swing by and clean my house. And change my oil. And cook dinner. Thanks.)

Yes, I know I’m begging you to “Like” a Facebook post … which, I admit, is both pathetic and embarrassing … but take another look at the photo above — or, hell, read any one of the painfully pathetic and embarrassing stories I’ve written on this blog over the past eight years — and then ask yourself if I’m a man who gives a fuck about seeming pathetic or embarrassing himself. Exactly.

Also, that reminds me: I launched this blog eight years ago yesterday. So, Happy Birthday, blog! And Happy New Year to you guys. Thanks for coming here and reading my stuff. I appreciate it.

And, just for the record (and because I know you need something to help wash from your brain the image of my wife and me dressed as Robin and Howard), here’s what we look like these days:

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Posted in Embarrassing, Howard Stern | 11 Responses

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

You would think there’d be no need for me to do something like this in an adults-only, professional, key-card-protected work environment.

You would be wrong.

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

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Posted in Cubicle | 7 Responses

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Spreading holiday cheer to Yankees fans everywhere!

Your holiday gift from me this year? Me reminding you that I’m not dead yet. Yes, I know you’ve been led to believe otherwise, but you see … oh, blah blah blah. Who the hell wants to listen to yet another blogger whine about why they haven’t been blogging? No one, that’s who.

Let’s just skip to the part where I say “I hope and plan to do better in the coming year.” Because I do and I do. Parts 3-through-whatever of my California story? They’re coming. So are the long-overdue birthday letters to my kiddos. And after that? A veritable tsunami of hilarious-yet-poignant tales about a middle-aged dude trying desperately to escape from a cubicle farm.

In the meantime, I hope you and yours have a great holiday!


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Posted in Family | 7 Responses

Boston Strong

Starting with our February visit to Spring Training …

Scratches Family @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Jayna w/ Mike Napoli
Zan w/ Mike Napoli
Me & Jayna playing catch at Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Big Papi @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Jared Saltalamacchia @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Shane Victorino @ Red Sox Spring Training Camp
Zan & Jayna at Red Sox Spring Training Camp

… all the way to Game 6 of the World Series …

Ready for battle. GO SOX!
Ready for battle. GO SOX!
Basking in the glow of a World Series win

… (and the morning after) …

Zan celebrates the Red Sox' 2013 World Series win

… it was one hell of a fun season … and we enjoyed every minute of it.

Thank you, Red Sox!

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An open letter from a die-hard Red Sox fan to all Boston-area Shitheads and the People Who Love Them.

The ferocity of my postseason beard is second only to the warmth of my puppy-dog eyes, with which I am imploring you to heed my words. Please. I beg of ye.

Dear Boston-area Shitheads and the People Who Love Them,

As you well know, Boston experienced a terrible tragedy earlier this year. The Red Sox quickly became one of the things around which people rallied in the wake of that tragedy, and the improbable run that the team has had since that time — not to mention the tremendous amount of work that the Red Sox organization and individual players have done to honor the people most affected — has, for many, served as a symbol of the city’s resilience and recovery.

Tonight (or tomorrow night) could be an historic occasion for our beloved city. A Red Sox victory would mark the first time in almost 100 years that the team has won a World Series title at Fenway Park … a feat that, trivial though it may seem to some, would perfectly punctuate the team’s role in helping the city to heal.

Assuming that we are fortunate enough to see such a thing happen, it will be cause for great joy and celebration. Unfortunately, it also will be seen by some Boston-area Shitheads (like this guy and this guy) as an excuse to act like complete and utter … well, shitheads.

Of course, if the Sox should (god forbid) lose two games, it will be cause for great sorrow and disappointment … and still will be seen by some Boston-area Shitheads as an excuse to act not only like complete and utter shitheads, but like complete and utter and angry shitheads.

So here’s what I’m asking: If you are a Boston-area Shithead, please stay home tonight. And if the Sox should happen to (perish the thought) lose tonight, then I’m begging you to stay home tomorrow night as well. Please. All of us non-Shitheads would consider it a huge personal favor.

Now, I am well aware that the people to whom my plea most applies won’t take heed … because, as you know, the problem with Shitheads is that they have no fucking clue what epic Shitheads they are.

Which brings us to:

If you are someone who knows and loves a Boston-area Shithead, please keep them in tonight. And if the Sox should happen to (hush my mouth) lose tonight, fer crissakes, please Please PLEASE keep them in tomorrow night, because few things would be worse than a bunch of Shitheads running amok after a Halloween-night Game 7, whatever the outcome.

Hide their car keys … or chain them to a radiator … or duct-tape them to the sofa … or give them something shiny to play with … or drop a few rufies in whatever rot-gut booze they’ve already started swilling in preparation for a night (or two) of epic, drunken shitheadedness.

Because, seriously: the last thing that the rest of us need as a side dish to go with our joy (or sorrow) is a heaping helping of Shithead-induced tragedy. We’ve already had enough of that.

It’s up to you, Shithead Lovers. Do what needs to be done. Make Boston proud.



A Die-Hard Red Sox Fan

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Posted in Red Sox | 4 Responses