Dear Boston-area Shitheads and the People Who Love Them,
As you well know, Boston experienced a terrible tragedy earlier this year. The Red Sox quickly became one of the things around which people rallied in the wake of that tragedy, and the improbable run that the team has had since that time — not to mention the tremendous amount of work that the Red Sox organization and individual players have done to honor the people most affected — has, for many, served as a symbol of the city’s resilience and recovery.
Tonight (or tomorrow night) could be an historic occasion for our beloved city. A Red Sox victory would mark the first time in almost 100 years that the team has won a World Series title at Fenway Park … a feat that, trivial though it may seem to some, would perfectly punctuate the team’s role in helping the city to heal.
Assuming that we are fortunate enough to see such a thing happen, it will be cause for great joy and celebration. Unfortunately, it also will be seen by some Boston-area Shitheads (like this guy and this guy) as an excuse to act like complete and utter … well, shitheads.
Of course, if the Sox should (god forbid) lose two games, it will be cause for great sorrow and disappointment … and still will be seen by some Boston-area Shitheads as an excuse to act not only like complete and utter shitheads, but like complete and utter and angry shitheads.
So here’s what I’m asking: If you are a Boston-area Shithead, please stay home tonight. And if the Sox should happen to (perish the thought) lose tonight, then I’m begging you to stay home tomorrow night as well. Please. All of us non-Shitheads would consider it a huge personal favor.
Now, I am well aware that the people to whom my plea most applies won’t take heed … because, as you know, the problem with Shitheads is that they have no fucking clue what epic Shitheads they are.
Which brings us to:
If you are someone who knows and loves a Boston-area Shithead, please keep them in tonight. And if the Sox should happen to (hush my mouth) lose tonight, fer crissakes, please Please PLEASE keep them in tomorrow night, because few things would be worse than a bunch of Shitheads running amok after a Halloween-night Game 7, whatever the outcome.
Hide their car keys … or chain them to a radiator … or duct-tape them to the sofa … or give them something shiny to play with … or drop a few rufies in whatever rot-gut booze they’ve already started swilling in preparation for a night (or two) of epic, drunken shitheadedness.
Because, seriously: the last thing that the rest of us need as a side dish to go with our joy (or sorrow) is a heaping helping of Shithead-induced tragedy. We’ve already had enough of that.
It’s up to you, Shithead Lovers. Do what needs to be done. Make Boston proud.
A Die-Hard Red Sox Fan