In which I place far too much importance on winning tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash

I don’t let myself get my hopes up about anything that isn’t a complete and utter lock — mostly because I’m an emotionally fragile pussy who strives to avoid disappointment — but I was unable to keep from getting my hopes up about attending Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash in New York City later this month.

In a rare move, I let myself be openly optimistic. Howard first announced plans for the January 31st event back in mid-November … and I immediately booked a non-refundable hotel room in midtown Manhattan. I figured, worst case scenario, Wonder Woman and I get to have some more fun in New York City.

“Are you still going to be able to have a good time that night if we don’t get tickets?” she asked.

It’s almost like she knows me.

“Of COURSE I am, honey,” I lied through my fucking teeth.

And I tried to convince myself that I believed that lie … but I didn’t try all that hard, because I still felt confident that we’d get tickets. After all, I have a pretty spectacular track record of making this sort of shit work out (like that private Van Halen concert, for example).

When I didn’t win tickets via the initial SiriusXM subscriber lottery, I set my sights on the “Howard Stern Look-a-Like” contest on Facebook, for which I dug up a 13-year-old photo of Wonder Woman and me at a Halloween party disguised as Robin Quivers and Howard Stern.

DS & WW as Robin Quivers and Howard Stern

I’m the one on the right.

And I was positive — POSITIVE! — that I was going to be one of the four winners … so much so that I actually dared to speak aloud about the likelihood of my victory. And in return for that foolish act of hubris, I was swiftly and decisively kicked in the metaphorical balls. Four winners were picked, and I came in fifth. FIFTH! No victory. No celebration dance. Just the knowledge that I had come THIS CLOSE to scoring the most hard-to-get ticket of all time. Too bad, so sad, fuck off, The End.

The thing is, I had truly believed I was going to get tickets … and my disappointment after losing ran much deeper than the simple fact that I wasn’t going to be at the show.

As those of you who have read my “About” page already know, Howard Stern has been a significant figure in my life. I began listening to “The Howard Stern Show” show more than 20 years ago while serving as a military police K-9 handler in the U.S. Army, and it is largely because of my exposure to his show that I made the massive shift from a career in law enforcement to a career in writing (by way of a stint in college radio).

I know that Howard Stern is a polarizing figure, and I’m not going to waste my digital breath trying to change the minds of any among you who might have a negative opinion of him. Suffice to say, I do not concur. But, whatever your opinion of him may be, the important takeaway here is that Howard Stern has been my primary creative and professional inspiration for the past two decades. In addition to making me laugh and generally entertaining the hell out of me, he has represented to me the possibility of becoming a self-made success by using your creative talents, and of achieving that success by sticking to your creative vision … even when doing so means risking failure.

With all of that in mind, you hopefully can understand how, without consciously intending to do so, I had let the prospect of winning tickets to Howard’s birthday bash become for me the sign I needed in order to believe that, despite the major, unexpected and completely depressing detour my career has taken over the past few years, I still have “it” … I still have that little bit of magic that has helped make possible things like all of my amazing experiences with Van Halen and my subsequent dream job as a music journalist. And if I still have “it,” then maybe I can get back to believing in the prospect of the rewarding and creative career I had always envisioned for myself. Maybe I can stop feeling like I’ve already missed my chance, and stop feeling like I’ve been sentenced to Death by Cubicle.

Maybe I can get back to believing in the dreams I had for my life.

And, yes, I am fully aware that it sounds completely fucking insane to place that much significance on winning a pair of tickets to a show … but no one’s ever accused me of being the poster child for sanity.

Listen, I wasn’t actually banking the rest of my life on whether or not I won tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash, OK? But a win would have provided a much-needed ray of hope.

Bottom line: The loss really threw me for a loop.

The first time I listened to Howard’s show after losing, it stung like a bitch to hear him hyping the party. I seriously considered tuning out until February so I could avoid suffering daily multiple twistings of the knife in my heart.

And then, much to my surprise, another Facebook contest was posted, the theme of which was to create a birthday card for Howard. Short on hope, long on desperation, and fearful of opening myself up to another gut-wrenching loss, I recycled my previous entry, turned it into a birthday card, and carpet-bombed the entire fucking Internet by hounding every last person I could think of to “Like” it.

Our birthday card for Howard Stern

Because nothing says “Happy Birthday” quite like a woman in blackface and
a dude making fun of your nose.
(For the uninitiated: The “Peace & Love” thing is an ongoing gag on the show.)

On Sunday afternoon, this showed up in my email:


Fuckin’ A. I’ve still got “it.”

Thank you all for tolerating my obnoxious campaign to win tickets … especially those of you who actually “Liked” and “Shared” the photo. I can assure you that no one was more annoyed, sickened and disgusted than I by my pathetic begging and kvetching.

Pin It
Posted in Howard Stern | 21 Responses

Please don’t make me stab you.


Remember when I asked you to “Like” that photo last week so I could go to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash and you blew me off? Well, I lost by TWO “LIKE”s … and it’s ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! No, really, look:


And then I did the Ugly Cry.


There’s a NEW contest … and I need you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click on the photo below, and then click “Like” on the photo itself. And then “Share” the photo with everyone you know and have THEM “Like” it! (Please note: I don’t need you to “Like” this post that I’ve written here; you have to click on the photo first, then “Like” the actual photo. And you have to be logged into Facebook for it to work. And you have to sacrifice a virgin chicken at high noon. OK, that last part isn’t true … but I know what I’m asking you to do is a pain in the ass, so I just wanted to point out that it could be worse.)

(NOTE: If you see a message above that says “This Facebook post is no longer available,” it just means that you’re not currently logged into Facebook. If you click HERE, a new window will open up where you can log into Facebook. Once you do so, the photo should appear in that same window so that you can “Like” it.)

Look, next week is my 44th birthday. Wanna do something nice for an old person? Then “Like” & “Share” the photo! It takes two seconds! I mean, seriously: You’d have to be a mean-spirited douche who hates puppies and children to NOT do this for me.

Yes, I’m fucking begging you. Do you want me to end up in a psych ward, all hopped up on lithium, drooling on myself while muttering “I almost won”? I didn’t think so. Therefore, “Like” & “Share.” The sooner I win tickets, the sooner I can stop humiliating myself with this pathetic begging and campaigning … and the sooner I can get back to writing something that’s actually entertaining. Basically, you’ll be helping YOU by doing this for ME, see? So help ME help YOU!

(Also, FYI: The “Peace & Love” thing is an ongoing joke on the Howard Stern Show, not some random, drug-induced hallucination I had. I don’t do drugs … but I’m going to start doing them if I lose this contest. Basically, if you choose not to help me win, you’ll be making my kids the children of a drug addict. I know you don’t want that on your conscience … so just “Like” the damn photo!)

Pin It
Posted in Embarrassing, Howard Stern | 7 Responses

UPDATED: If you’ve ever wondered what my wife and I would look like if we disguised ourselves as Robin Quivers and Howard Stern, this post is for you. And by “you” I mean “no one” … because none of you have ever wondered that.

OK, so here’s the deal: I’m a HUGE Howard Stern fan. And, yes, I know that some of you just went “Me too!” and that others of you just threw up in your mouths a little bit … so to the latter group, I say this: Pretend this post is about baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that I’m a HUGE fan of baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws, and that the picture below is of my wife and me rescuing baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws, mkay?

I need you to please “Like” the photo below so that Wonder Woman and I can go party with Howard Stern save more baby otters who do cute little human things with their paws. (For the technologically challenged: I don’t need you to click the “Like” button at the end of this blog post; I need you to click the “Like” link directly beneath the photo of Wonder Woman and me dressed like Robin Quivers and Howard Stern saving those adorable baby otters who are doing cute little human things with their paws.) Also, if you’re feeling really magnanimous, you could “Share” the photo with your Facebook friends by — you guessed it — clicking the “Share” link beneath the photo.

The more “Like”s and “Share”s this photo gets by tomorrow (Friday) morning at 10 a.m. Eastern Time, the better the odds are of me winning tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash in New York City later this month … an experience I will then write about for you. So think of it like this: by “Like”-ing the photo below, you are investing in an upcoming blog post that is sure to delight you … or possibly sicken you. One of those. Maybe both. Either way, it sounds like a win-win to me.

(UPDATE: Apparently, when you click on the “Like” link above, it opens the photo in a new Facebook window, where you should then click the “Like” button. Also: If, instead of seeing the photo above, you see a message that says “This Facebook post is no longer available,” there are two things you need to know: 1.) Facebook is a filthy fucking liar, and 2.) you aren’t currently logged into Facebook. If you click HERE and log into Facebook, you should then be able to see the photo, and you can then click the “Like” button that appears with the photo. Because all of that isn’t too much of a pain in the ass, am I right? And after you do all of that, please swing by and clean my house. And change my oil. And cook dinner. Thanks.)

Yes, I know I’m begging you to “Like” a Facebook post … which, I admit, is both pathetic and embarrassing … but take another look at the photo above — or, hell, read any one of the painfully pathetic and embarrassing stories I’ve written on this blog over the past eight years — and then ask yourself if I’m a man who gives a fuck about seeming pathetic or embarrassing himself. Exactly.

Also, that reminds me: I launched this blog eight years ago yesterday. So, Happy Birthday, blog! And Happy New Year to you guys. Thanks for coming here and reading my stuff. I appreciate it.

And, just for the record (and because I know you need something to help wash from your brain the image of my wife and me dressed as Robin and Howard), here’s what we look like these days:

Pin It
Posted in Embarrassing, Howard Stern | 11 Responses

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

You would think there’d be no need for me to do something like this in an adults-only, professional, key-card-protected work environment.

You would be wrong.

Exciting news for the grown man who keeps pissing all over the toilet seat at my workplace!

Pin It
Posted in Cubicle | 8 Responses

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Merry Christmakwanzhanukkah 2013

Spreading holiday cheer to Yankees fans everywhere!

Your holiday gift from me this year? Me reminding you that I’m not dead yet. Yes, I know you’ve been led to believe otherwise, but you see … oh, blah blah blah. Who the hell wants to listen to yet another blogger whine about why they haven’t been blogging? No one, that’s who.

Let’s just skip to the part where I say “I hope and plan to do better in the coming year.” Because I do and I do. Parts 3-through-whatever of my California story? They’re coming. So are the long-overdue birthday letters to my kiddos. And after that? A veritable tsunami of hilarious-yet-poignant tales about a middle-aged dude trying desperately to escape from a cubicle farm.

In the meantime, I hope you and yours have a great holiday!


Pin It
Posted in Family | 7 Responses