Tag Archives: Greatest Hits

I’ve narrowly cheated death yet again

Re-posting this oldie-but-goodie in anticipation of an epic follow-up that will see my hypochondria reach new heights. And with any luck, I’ll write it before the sun burns out and we all freeze to death. There are many downsides to being a hypochondriac … but it does have its benefits. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I headed to my doctor’s office for the third time in about two weeks … which, for me, is unfuckingprecedented, since my immune system is basically on par with Wolverine’s. And yet, despite my mutant healing powers, I’ve had a persistent cough for, like, a… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | Tagged | 38 Responses

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | Tagged | 43 Responses

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life, Parenthood | Tagged | 48 Responses

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

An oldie but a goodie… Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display… [read the rest]

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Posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | Tagged | 26 Responses

Another mouth to feed

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners? This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself. But she is… [read the rest]

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Posted in Jayna, Parenthood | Tagged | 40 Responses